I am learning so much more each day that I spend with someone who has been where I have. I enjoy talking to everyone but when it is someone who can honestly say that they have suffered and admit it I get cold chills down my spine.
I see people on a daily basis and spend days walking among other consumers. I get to talk to some of them on a daily basis and it excites me every time I see a change in them personally. Oh I think all the people I see are important but when it is someone I know suffers a great deal with mental illness I love spending time just listening to them. I have had the opportunity to work with some of them as a mentor and hear one on one what is up with them. I think it helps me as much as it does them because I always learn something new and a different coping skill.
I learned that music is a controlling part of ones life from a member which I knew it has a lot to do with wellness, but, this particular person makes music the eye opening factor for himself in a way that benefits his recovery. He sings in a band and writes his own music. He tells me that it takes him away from his problems as he writes about them in his songs. I had never looked at music in that form or fashion but now that I think about this I realize that alot of songs I listen to I relate to so well.
There is another member who stands out who spends time with her pets on a regular basis. They are as much a part of her life as the rest of her family. I have never seen anyone so engrossed in spending time with a pet. She walks with her dog (that is the best exercise you can get), talks to him (says it doesn't usually talk back like her other family and, she takes him in the car with her or to the grocery store and he helps her when she gets scared or anxiety sets in.
I always thought those who took there pets out in the car all the time were just silly but she has made a plan to keep herself healthy. This is great!!
I learn so much from others who suffer mental illness which makes it apparent to me that all of us can learn from each other. I think peers helping other peers is the best support system in the world. I grow so tired of being told that I am different and unable to do something because of my illness. I think if I listened to these people I would be dead by now. I think I can accomplish so much more than I have been given credit for. This makes me wonder about all those who are in the hospitals and nursing homes who could if given a chance to grow and learn.
I want everyone to think before they tell someone else they can't do something. I have learned to do the same over the last few years. Growth is a necessity for life and when you have stopped learning you have stopped growing. This is what has come from this blog. I hope you enjoyed and learned from it. God Bless
Nessa
Friday, October 2, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Changes
When I feel that change is coming on I really get scared. I have to really think about how it will benefit me and still feel out of control.
I think the reason is because of how long I have been closed off from the world. I feel really worried about how I will do and if I can follow through without failure.
I know that failure builds strength but when you have been where I have it can also put you back into a world that is scary, withdrawn, and down right impossible to live through.
I have seen alot of people who want and then reach for the stars to get it. I have always wanted to be one of those people. They tell me that they were terrified too and that is how they made it to where they are. I don't see it! I don't know how they can get where they are in a state of terror. I feel that terror everytime change comes my way. I have succeeded in alot of situations. I have made some great strides in my life. Somewhere along the way I always get shot down.
I have great kids and that was a success for me. They actually are one of my strengths. I know that if I depend on them to make me happy I will always live in their wings and that is wrong. For me as well as my children, I need to be happy for myself. I have learned this for the first time in my life and struggle so much to keep that happiness strong day by day. I think it makes my children feel much better because they don't have to make me happy all the time.
Fear is strong in my heart not only because of fearing failure but because my life was pulled out from under me at such a young age. I never related to my family again after my trama. I think I was alone from the day I felt my illness set in. No one understood me or what I wanted in life. I know that they wanted to understand but didn't know how.
When I face change it brings back all the struggles I have been through to get where I am today. I have came a long way but still fear my next step in life.
Challenges become strong in my heart. I want to be the things I dream about. I want to become who I need to be. When I think I am almost there things change and I feel all alone in a battle to be myself. Changing to myself instead of being this victim of circumstances is a feat that is hard for me. I know it sounds really hard to understand but life is different for me. I suffered for so long then, out of the blue I see a way to become the person I want to be. That scares me to death. I know I can succeed but I have this inner voice telling me that I can't because I have a mental illness and no one is going to take me serious.
When these voices start coming out I think it is God speaking to me somtimes. Telling me that it isn't going to work for me because of all the bad things I have done in my life. I know that is not true deep down but I become afraid of failure and not being accepted.
I am a very intelligent person who suffers from a mental illness not a person who is mentally ill. I am a person not my illness. This is what I know to be true. Change in my personal views of mental illness have helped me come to terms with this for myself. I dealt in the past with people telling me to "snap out of it", "you don't need your medication", "don't listen to those doctors because all they want to do is drug you up", "you can't do anything because your mentally ill", "Psychiatrists are all quacks and just there to get your money", "all you are is a legal drug addict", and, "you are just lazy". I am so tired of hearing people put me down and this makes my fears even stronger when I reach for the stars myself. I am 45 yrs. old and no where in my life. I know I can be and that isn't the problem, the problem is, I am so scared of failure that it controls my inner being.
Change can only be for the better, right? Right! Change is the only way I can defeat this battle I have been loosing for all my life. Change is the way and I need to let go of this fear of change. I can do it! Right? Right! Prayer and guidence, not from these hollier than thou christians but from God above is the only way for me.
I can get to where I want but change has to take place in order to get there. I pray to you O God, please make the change easy and be with me through this process.
Amen.
I think the reason is because of how long I have been closed off from the world. I feel really worried about how I will do and if I can follow through without failure.
I know that failure builds strength but when you have been where I have it can also put you back into a world that is scary, withdrawn, and down right impossible to live through.
I have seen alot of people who want and then reach for the stars to get it. I have always wanted to be one of those people. They tell me that they were terrified too and that is how they made it to where they are. I don't see it! I don't know how they can get where they are in a state of terror. I feel that terror everytime change comes my way. I have succeeded in alot of situations. I have made some great strides in my life. Somewhere along the way I always get shot down.
I have great kids and that was a success for me. They actually are one of my strengths. I know that if I depend on them to make me happy I will always live in their wings and that is wrong. For me as well as my children, I need to be happy for myself. I have learned this for the first time in my life and struggle so much to keep that happiness strong day by day. I think it makes my children feel much better because they don't have to make me happy all the time.
Fear is strong in my heart not only because of fearing failure but because my life was pulled out from under me at such a young age. I never related to my family again after my trama. I think I was alone from the day I felt my illness set in. No one understood me or what I wanted in life. I know that they wanted to understand but didn't know how.
When I face change it brings back all the struggles I have been through to get where I am today. I have came a long way but still fear my next step in life.
Challenges become strong in my heart. I want to be the things I dream about. I want to become who I need to be. When I think I am almost there things change and I feel all alone in a battle to be myself. Changing to myself instead of being this victim of circumstances is a feat that is hard for me. I know it sounds really hard to understand but life is different for me. I suffered for so long then, out of the blue I see a way to become the person I want to be. That scares me to death. I know I can succeed but I have this inner voice telling me that I can't because I have a mental illness and no one is going to take me serious.
When these voices start coming out I think it is God speaking to me somtimes. Telling me that it isn't going to work for me because of all the bad things I have done in my life. I know that is not true deep down but I become afraid of failure and not being accepted.
I am a very intelligent person who suffers from a mental illness not a person who is mentally ill. I am a person not my illness. This is what I know to be true. Change in my personal views of mental illness have helped me come to terms with this for myself. I dealt in the past with people telling me to "snap out of it", "you don't need your medication", "don't listen to those doctors because all they want to do is drug you up", "you can't do anything because your mentally ill", "Psychiatrists are all quacks and just there to get your money", "all you are is a legal drug addict", and, "you are just lazy". I am so tired of hearing people put me down and this makes my fears even stronger when I reach for the stars myself. I am 45 yrs. old and no where in my life. I know I can be and that isn't the problem, the problem is, I am so scared of failure that it controls my inner being.
Change can only be for the better, right? Right! Change is the only way I can defeat this battle I have been loosing for all my life. Change is the way and I need to let go of this fear of change. I can do it! Right? Right! Prayer and guidence, not from these hollier than thou christians but from God above is the only way for me.
I can get to where I want but change has to take place in order to get there. I pray to you O God, please make the change easy and be with me through this process.
Amen.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Regrets
There are alot of things in life that you regret. Things happen for a reason I've always heard. I think that my life has been full of regrets due to my own thoughts of not feeling inadequate. I have been through alot of self destructive behaviors that I don't care to go into now. The thing that stands out to me is that I regret alot more than I care to remember. I think my most important regret goes without saying but I will anyway. I regret my part in making things so hard on my children. I think they have been my biggest blessing and I have not given them the proper respect as a mother.
Though you might say I had reasons for my kids suffering that were out of my control. Yeah they were out of control but not out of my control. I could have forced my family to accept my mental illness and forced them to know what was going on with me. I could have changed their minds into just what ever I thought they should. NOT!! The fact that I delt with these hardships alone was due to mental health ignorance as well as stupidity on their part.
Even staff of mental health programs have a hard time understanding and supporting individuals with our physical illnesses. I have a hard time especially with these guys because they are the ones you would expect to understand the most. But they are not!!
I deal with friends on a regular basis who have mental illnesses too! They all tell me they feel no one but me understands their pain. I try to refer them to Mental health staff who have been trained in this field but they all come back and say they don't understand me. I think they are "right on" even though I try to make myself believe to the contrary for their sakes. I think they all need to be able to trust in their health professionals but it is looking more and more bleak everyday.
It looks like with the more knowledge about the illness the better understanding of the needs of the patient... this is farther from the truth than you will ever know. I was shocked at how many people in the mental health field think they can fix us and not be our friends. They can stand back like we are "diseased" and let us think they are there for our own good. I think these people are in worse shape mentally than you and I. I can remember thinking no one cared at one point. Then, meeting someone who did care and starting to grow. Then, at the same time, I have met so many others who put on a show only to make a paycheck. You can tell who really cares and who doesn't. That is what the difference is between mental health professionals and mental health success mongers. Yeah you can make alot of money as a psycho doc or a social worker if you know what your doing, unfortunatly, if you can live with yourself this is probably the best job for you. However, if you truely care about people and want to make a difference it probably isn't the right field for you because you have to fight your colleegues the whole way because they normally don't give a "rats ass" about us. They say, "I am not in this for the money" that may be true in a way but, they are really in this to "Fix" us. They want to be the one to finally break through and show us the err of our ways. They want to make a name for themselves and move on with their own lives. Some just want to make us feel as if they care and they really don't. We are not stupid and when are they gonna realize this?
I am so tired of hearing I am hear for you and they really aren't. That is my biggest problem with some of these programs of late. Then, there are some of them who feel they have made their contribution and it is time for them to seek their rewards at all costs. I don't want any ones self pity, so I will say to those who really care, and, you know who you are, thank you and God Bless you always; For those of you who don't care and are so fake it shines through on a daily basis, you will pay one of these days for messing with the minds of those who really need you. Oh and you know who you are too if you can be truthful with your own self.
You can take all the book knowledge in the world and not get anywhere close to the real truth until you have been there yourself. Just as if you weren't self centered and tried to make others think you are you can't be self centered and not expect others to see through it.
I guess what I am trying to say is that mental health professionals fall into two groups. Those who care and can't do anything for you because they are blocked at every corner. Then, those you are told care but you know they don't because they won't do anything except "kiss ass"!
I know some will say I am having a manic moment but if that is what it is then good, I needed to get this off my mind. You are only as good as your word and I guess I am just as good as anyone else.
I will close by saying that to those who suffer from mental illness there are some who care and some who don't. You have to decipher this for yourself. I think you are right on if you feel that someone is out for themselves and not being honestly caring in this field. I hope that there are more out there who do than don't. My experience as of late is there isn't. God Bless and goodnight.
Though you might say I had reasons for my kids suffering that were out of my control. Yeah they were out of control but not out of my control. I could have forced my family to accept my mental illness and forced them to know what was going on with me. I could have changed their minds into just what ever I thought they should. NOT!! The fact that I delt with these hardships alone was due to mental health ignorance as well as stupidity on their part.
Even staff of mental health programs have a hard time understanding and supporting individuals with our physical illnesses. I have a hard time especially with these guys because they are the ones you would expect to understand the most. But they are not!!
I deal with friends on a regular basis who have mental illnesses too! They all tell me they feel no one but me understands their pain. I try to refer them to Mental health staff who have been trained in this field but they all come back and say they don't understand me. I think they are "right on" even though I try to make myself believe to the contrary for their sakes. I think they all need to be able to trust in their health professionals but it is looking more and more bleak everyday.
It looks like with the more knowledge about the illness the better understanding of the needs of the patient... this is farther from the truth than you will ever know. I was shocked at how many people in the mental health field think they can fix us and not be our friends. They can stand back like we are "diseased" and let us think they are there for our own good. I think these people are in worse shape mentally than you and I. I can remember thinking no one cared at one point. Then, meeting someone who did care and starting to grow. Then, at the same time, I have met so many others who put on a show only to make a paycheck. You can tell who really cares and who doesn't. That is what the difference is between mental health professionals and mental health success mongers. Yeah you can make alot of money as a psycho doc or a social worker if you know what your doing, unfortunatly, if you can live with yourself this is probably the best job for you. However, if you truely care about people and want to make a difference it probably isn't the right field for you because you have to fight your colleegues the whole way because they normally don't give a "rats ass" about us. They say, "I am not in this for the money" that may be true in a way but, they are really in this to "Fix" us. They want to be the one to finally break through and show us the err of our ways. They want to make a name for themselves and move on with their own lives. Some just want to make us feel as if they care and they really don't. We are not stupid and when are they gonna realize this?
I am so tired of hearing I am hear for you and they really aren't. That is my biggest problem with some of these programs of late. Then, there are some of them who feel they have made their contribution and it is time for them to seek their rewards at all costs. I don't want any ones self pity, so I will say to those who really care, and, you know who you are, thank you and God Bless you always; For those of you who don't care and are so fake it shines through on a daily basis, you will pay one of these days for messing with the minds of those who really need you. Oh and you know who you are too if you can be truthful with your own self.
You can take all the book knowledge in the world and not get anywhere close to the real truth until you have been there yourself. Just as if you weren't self centered and tried to make others think you are you can't be self centered and not expect others to see through it.
I guess what I am trying to say is that mental health professionals fall into two groups. Those who care and can't do anything for you because they are blocked at every corner. Then, those you are told care but you know they don't because they won't do anything except "kiss ass"!
I know some will say I am having a manic moment but if that is what it is then good, I needed to get this off my mind. You are only as good as your word and I guess I am just as good as anyone else.
I will close by saying that to those who suffer from mental illness there are some who care and some who don't. You have to decipher this for yourself. I think you are right on if you feel that someone is out for themselves and not being honestly caring in this field. I hope that there are more out there who do than don't. My experience as of late is there isn't. God Bless and goodnight.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
GIVING BACK TO GOD
I am giving God control and know that he will always lead and protect myself and my children. I am sure of this His Will is done always. I think that my dreams are so wild and crazy sometimes but, dreams are necessary for stability. They almost always require work and that is how God knows we are dedicated to reaching such goals. I have always had trouble believing in myself but God has always believed in me. It is time to give back and receive his blessings for my efforts. I believe God is proud of my accomplishments thus far. Not always proud of the way I got here but still proud. I am accomplishing things I could have reached years ago but, I didn't believe I deserved to be alive much less have a purpose. I believe that in working on my recovery, reaching out to others to show them they can recover too. He is with me always and until the day I die I will try to serve him by helping others.
One way I serve him is to help others. My bi-polar darkness has a story of recovery and hope for the future. I believe God is with me each time I present myself to others. I believe that God speaks through me and I pray each time that I may make a difference in peoples lives,that they believe in themselves (maybe) for the first time and then, strive for recovery. I pray that I don't say anything that will be destructive in that process.
Today I give my son to the US Army, I gave my son back to God to protect long ago. He has covered him in his bosom and keeps protecting him for he is God's child. I will remember this and be proud of my son, worried yeah, but sure of one thing that God will take him in his time. I can't control that. Zach wants to be a soldier and has wanted to since I can remember. I know he will give it all hes got and I am proud to give my son to his dreams. God I am giving him back to you to protect and watch over each time he breaths a breath of air.
This should have put me in the hospital right? No! Recovery is a dream I have reached for through the strength of God. I am giving back to God by helping others strive for that goal they dream of. I pray that I can make a difference in Gods will.
God bless you all!
Nessa
One way I serve him is to help others. My bi-polar darkness has a story of recovery and hope for the future. I believe God is with me each time I present myself to others. I believe that God speaks through me and I pray each time that I may make a difference in peoples lives,that they believe in themselves (maybe) for the first time and then, strive for recovery. I pray that I don't say anything that will be destructive in that process.
Today I give my son to the US Army, I gave my son back to God to protect long ago. He has covered him in his bosom and keeps protecting him for he is God's child. I will remember this and be proud of my son, worried yeah, but sure of one thing that God will take him in his time. I can't control that. Zach wants to be a soldier and has wanted to since I can remember. I know he will give it all hes got and I am proud to give my son to his dreams. God I am giving him back to you to protect and watch over each time he breaths a breath of air.
This should have put me in the hospital right? No! Recovery is a dream I have reached for through the strength of God. I am giving back to God by helping others strive for that goal they dream of. I pray that I can make a difference in Gods will.
God bless you all!
Nessa
Monday, August 24, 2009
CONTROL
Though I lived inside myself for a long period of my life, I feel that recovery has taken over. I have searched out the things that keep me alive and I now focus on them. I have learned that my children are as important to me as anything could be on this earth. I have got close to my daughter in such a different way than before. I have reached place in my life that I can grow with my son to a place of recovery in our lives. We have bonded even stronger than anytime in my life. I was so engrossed in feeling sorry for myself and afraid to live for myself that it made it hard for me to be a good mother.
I have been so closed off inside my own shell that it has been impossible to make it through this life. The feeling of being all alone and so afraid of my own existence which tainted my relationship with my children and everyone around me. I latched onto certain people who kept my life in turmoil constantly. When I finally found a person who could help me in a healing way I was almost 30 yrs. old. I latched on to that person with all my life and searched for that peace that was slow to come. My ex-husbands mother was instrumental in leading me to a point of consciousness. I made the move on my own but, she helped me see that I deserve to be happy.
After a long unhealthy relationship to my ex-husband, I let go of the idea that he and I were meant to be together. Our relationship had been a destructive poisonous personal existence. The most joyous part of our lives together came when my sons were born. Upon the end of our divorce I was told that he was cheating on me the entire time we were together. This came as a total shock because I had put him on this pedestal because he helped me escape a very abusive relationship when we first met. I was totally devoted to him and loved him as much as I could love anyone in this world. I took up for him when he made people angry with his attitude, I gave him credit for being a caring father to my children, I was so attached to the idea of being "in love" that I let these feelings be disguised as "real love". My children were the only real love I had in this life but I thought he was my world.
As our life together ended, he began a new family which didn't include our children anymore. This broke my heart as well as my boys hearts. There is still a deep resentment that probably will never be repaired in my boys lives. I tried very hard to teach my boys that their dad was sick and not to blame for his absence. I told them that I was to blame as much as their dad. As they grew up both of their parents were caught up in a sickness that consumed their whole existence. The boys and I survived and grew up together. They aged and I grew toward recovery day by day. Unfortunately, Laura, my daughter had moved in with my mother because our personalities could not exist together, she and I both, have bi-polar disorder. This added to my depression because I had failed her tremendously. I couldn't keep it together so I could be the mother to comfort her and help her grow. My parents took over that role in her life when John and married. This hurt and I blamed my parents because they spoiled her and made it impossible for me to compete. This was probably a good thing because I didn't love myself, how could I love my daughter?
It was several years I guess my youngest one was in middle school before I started to take control of my life. I began to gain self respect and encouragement through several people in my life, one of those was my friend Cynthia, which I will always be grateful for. I took full control of me and my kids rebelled so much it made in impossible sometimes. I had been their child for so long they couldn't let go and let me take on the mother role. It has taken the last few years for us to come to a point of healing as a family. I thank God for my children because they kept me alive. Every time I wanted to die, I tried several times to end it all, they were in my heart and wouldn't let go. Thank you sweet children, Laura, Zach and Greg, you have made me whole.
My self respect and dignity came when I started to feel HOPE. I started by educating myself, becoming an advocate for my own needs and then personal responsibility came with the support of my family and friends. Not always believing in me or trusting me because they had seen me as weak, my family was there all the same and loved me unconditionally. I started loving myself, then, started feeling the love of my children and the rest of my family. This is where control came in, When I started loving myself.
I hope you can reach this point.
Love, Nessa
I have been so closed off inside my own shell that it has been impossible to make it through this life. The feeling of being all alone and so afraid of my own existence which tainted my relationship with my children and everyone around me. I latched onto certain people who kept my life in turmoil constantly. When I finally found a person who could help me in a healing way I was almost 30 yrs. old. I latched on to that person with all my life and searched for that peace that was slow to come. My ex-husbands mother was instrumental in leading me to a point of consciousness. I made the move on my own but, she helped me see that I deserve to be happy.
After a long unhealthy relationship to my ex-husband, I let go of the idea that he and I were meant to be together. Our relationship had been a destructive poisonous personal existence. The most joyous part of our lives together came when my sons were born. Upon the end of our divorce I was told that he was cheating on me the entire time we were together. This came as a total shock because I had put him on this pedestal because he helped me escape a very abusive relationship when we first met. I was totally devoted to him and loved him as much as I could love anyone in this world. I took up for him when he made people angry with his attitude, I gave him credit for being a caring father to my children, I was so attached to the idea of being "in love" that I let these feelings be disguised as "real love". My children were the only real love I had in this life but I thought he was my world.
As our life together ended, he began a new family which didn't include our children anymore. This broke my heart as well as my boys hearts. There is still a deep resentment that probably will never be repaired in my boys lives. I tried very hard to teach my boys that their dad was sick and not to blame for his absence. I told them that I was to blame as much as their dad. As they grew up both of their parents were caught up in a sickness that consumed their whole existence. The boys and I survived and grew up together. They aged and I grew toward recovery day by day. Unfortunately, Laura, my daughter had moved in with my mother because our personalities could not exist together, she and I both, have bi-polar disorder. This added to my depression because I had failed her tremendously. I couldn't keep it together so I could be the mother to comfort her and help her grow. My parents took over that role in her life when John and married. This hurt and I blamed my parents because they spoiled her and made it impossible for me to compete. This was probably a good thing because I didn't love myself, how could I love my daughter?
It was several years I guess my youngest one was in middle school before I started to take control of my life. I began to gain self respect and encouragement through several people in my life, one of those was my friend Cynthia, which I will always be grateful for. I took full control of me and my kids rebelled so much it made in impossible sometimes. I had been their child for so long they couldn't let go and let me take on the mother role. It has taken the last few years for us to come to a point of healing as a family. I thank God for my children because they kept me alive. Every time I wanted to die, I tried several times to end it all, they were in my heart and wouldn't let go. Thank you sweet children, Laura, Zach and Greg, you have made me whole.
My self respect and dignity came when I started to feel HOPE. I started by educating myself, becoming an advocate for my own needs and then personal responsibility came with the support of my family and friends. Not always believing in me or trusting me because they had seen me as weak, my family was there all the same and loved me unconditionally. I started loving myself, then, started feeling the love of my children and the rest of my family. This is where control came in, When I started loving myself.
I hope you can reach this point.
Love, Nessa
Sunday, August 16, 2009
MEDICATION
Medication is tough to handle sometimes. When you have to remember to take these pills all the time and follow the doctors orders it can be so discouraging. I remember each time my medication had to be adjusted I got so upset and depressed. I wanted to die sometimes because I didn't think I could take another dose cause I was scared of the outcome.
When I became this zombie for so many yrs. I remember feeling like I was so lost to the world. I felt there was no reason to live. Even though I was so intelligent I couldn't keep it together. I felt like no one believed me because I didn't talk to myself. Oh there are things I never told the doctors because I was smart enough to know that if I told them I would be locked in a padded room.
Medication regimens are like anything else, touch and go. It is hard to figure out what is gonna work on one and what will work on another. I felt like a genie pig most of the time.
I remember being on so much medication that I couldn't think for myself. Although, I was operating a car and taking care of my kids on this medication. I fought it as much as I could but sometimes it would paralyze me to the point where I felt trapped inside my body and fighting hard to get out just wore me out.
This was a scary time and I would never like to go back there. I guess that is what motivates me now to stay on my meds.
I stopped taking meds several times and fought my doctor all the way trying to keep from taking anymore meds. I was afraid after the Thorazine phase to take some things he gave me.
I changed doctors because my doctors load got too big. I think that was the start of my progress. I had become so afraid to listen to my doctor that I wouldn't comply with his wishes. I kept staying on the same level of not progressing at all.
When I changed to the assistant doctor I gained trust in her because she called me on the fact that I wasn't taking my meds right. I didn't think they could figure it out. The other doctor had ever said anything about it.
Since that change in doctors I have progressed quite a bit. I think the biggest thing that helped was my case manager, whom has always been a trusted friend, kept me in line. I was blessed with good case management.
When I moved I had to change case managers and this sent me back a bit. I did get it together when I received a great case manager again in Elizabethton. He helped me alot too even though I didn't see him but a short time. I will never forget what he did for me.
I slowly learned over this time to take my medication on a regular regimen to keep the level in my system on an even keel. This worked tremendously, when I lost four dear people in my life that would normally have put me straight into the hospital, I was able to keep it together because I was on my meds.
It is so important to take your meds there is no shame in the fact that you have to take them. Everyone who has a physical illness takes medication and why would they feel ashamed for taking care of their lives? I have learned that shame ended me in the hospital on more than one occasion. I realize now that if I am honest about my feelings with my medical professional, share symptom irregularities, and take my prescribed medication on time and in the right way I can stay healthy.
Vanessa
When I became this zombie for so many yrs. I remember feeling like I was so lost to the world. I felt there was no reason to live. Even though I was so intelligent I couldn't keep it together. I felt like no one believed me because I didn't talk to myself. Oh there are things I never told the doctors because I was smart enough to know that if I told them I would be locked in a padded room.
Medication regimens are like anything else, touch and go. It is hard to figure out what is gonna work on one and what will work on another. I felt like a genie pig most of the time.
I remember being on so much medication that I couldn't think for myself. Although, I was operating a car and taking care of my kids on this medication. I fought it as much as I could but sometimes it would paralyze me to the point where I felt trapped inside my body and fighting hard to get out just wore me out.
This was a scary time and I would never like to go back there. I guess that is what motivates me now to stay on my meds.
I stopped taking meds several times and fought my doctor all the way trying to keep from taking anymore meds. I was afraid after the Thorazine phase to take some things he gave me.
I changed doctors because my doctors load got too big. I think that was the start of my progress. I had become so afraid to listen to my doctor that I wouldn't comply with his wishes. I kept staying on the same level of not progressing at all.
When I changed to the assistant doctor I gained trust in her because she called me on the fact that I wasn't taking my meds right. I didn't think they could figure it out. The other doctor had ever said anything about it.
Since that change in doctors I have progressed quite a bit. I think the biggest thing that helped was my case manager, whom has always been a trusted friend, kept me in line. I was blessed with good case management.
When I moved I had to change case managers and this sent me back a bit. I did get it together when I received a great case manager again in Elizabethton. He helped me alot too even though I didn't see him but a short time. I will never forget what he did for me.
I slowly learned over this time to take my medication on a regular regimen to keep the level in my system on an even keel. This worked tremendously, when I lost four dear people in my life that would normally have put me straight into the hospital, I was able to keep it together because I was on my meds.
It is so important to take your meds there is no shame in the fact that you have to take them. Everyone who has a physical illness takes medication and why would they feel ashamed for taking care of their lives? I have learned that shame ended me in the hospital on more than one occasion. I realize now that if I am honest about my feelings with my medical professional, share symptom irregularities, and take my prescribed medication on time and in the right way I can stay healthy.
Vanessa
Saturday, August 15, 2009
A Bi-Polar family
I don't know when I realized I had a major problem with myself. Personality changes and out of control behavior had been a part of me I guess as long as I can remember, although this was true I didn't realize the problem.
I had been very withdrawn from my family most of my life. I remember when my sister was born I moved to the basement to keep from sharing a room. I was about nine at the time. I was very full of thoughts of not fitting in with all the people I loved very much.
I went through my teens this was so I guess the bi-polar was active even then. I didn't know what was going on. My mom and dad thought it was because I was overweight as a teenager. I don't know if part of it wasn't that but, I had been going through alot more serious problems than this. There were other kids who were overweight who didn't have the issues I had. I just didn't fit in.
As a young adult I became very promiscuous and spent alot of time medicating myself and my depression with alcohol. That just made things worse. I feel that when I married my first husband I wasn't mentally stable enough to decide for myself that this was what I wanted. What could my parents do? I mean I was over 20 yrs. old they had no options available to them. I wasn't ill to the point where I couldn't make sense and interact with others. I was not a candidate for an institution but still out of control.
My first husband took care of my daughter and I. My daughter came from a previous relationship that ended on bad terms. David was a great person and basically the ideal husband. The outside world saw this side of him. When we were alone it was a different story. The only time it became public was when he wanted to share me with his sailor buddies at parties we had at our home. He played mind games with me and abused me sexually and mentally, although, never laying a hand on me I was very scared of him.
When I met my second husband, a man I loved very much, we were both very ill. He had a drug and alcohol addiction on top of bi-polar disorder. Although he had these problems we had a bond that no one could break. I put him on a pedestal I now know why--it was because he had given me the courage to leave David. Chris although, having these problems could be the ultimately loving husband and father. He was great for Laura and I. Soon, came Zachary, who made our bond stronger. He was a great joy for Chris. Chris was there the whole pregnancy and very supportive to me. We became married and worked hard to make a life for our kids. Gregory came along almost three years into our marriage and we had started growing apart by this time.
I think our love by this time we knew was fading due to our illnesses. See two bi-polars have a hard time getting through the rough spots together. I went through major withdrawals from reality when I realized it was over between Chris and I. I wanted to hate him but caught myself taking up for him when my friend would say bad things about him. I later after our divorce found out he had been with all my friends who would have him and had been unfaithful to me all the time we were together. I didn't care because he had given me two wonderful boys whom I love very much. I am very proud of these two boys and would have never been able to come back to reality without them and Laura my daughter.
Okay, this is where it gets rough,
I am bi-polar not knowing what that meant exactly. My daughter was diagnosed with ADHD and later on bi-polar. We were very much affected by this disorder because it kept us from bonding as she grew up. The older she got the worse it got. I loved her but couldn't show her.
My son Zachary, diagnosed as ADHD, was a very difficult child to deal with and on top of my very serious depression and manic episodes it was even unbearable. He and I always had this bond that was very strong. When he was a pre-teen we ended up putting him in states custody because he refused to go to school. I wasn't strong enough to get him to go and force him to listen to me. Even with the hard ball attitude of Zachary I think I was more attached to him, maybe because I was the one who took care of him with support of course but, Laura had moved in with my parents for the most part as a young child.
This was a wake up call for me. I had been through alot of serious medication concoctions and by drugs such as Thorazine and haladol. I was raising my kids on this. Or, were they raising me?
My son Gregory, was a quiet child and always showed signs of a social disorder. We found out later that he after being labeled "mentally retarded" was in fact suffering from Asburgers. This is a disorder which makes it almost impossible to socialize with others. He has a learning disability and he improves these unfortunate problems everyday. He is more sociable now than ever before and he is working on his reading skills which he knows are bad and is very embarrassed because of it. I know that my son will grow and learn and eventually get what he wants out of life. He has grow so much and I am proud of my "little 6'3 man.
It is hard having a family with serious mental illnesses all attacking each other all the time. We have our moments even to the present but, we are still there for each other. My boys are almost grown now. Laura has her own family, which is following the same path as ours to a certain degree. Her two children and her live with my mother, the strong woman who kept me alive all these years, while her husband also, suffering with mental illness lives in another city for reasons I care not to go into. The cycle seems to never break though I have tried. I think it has been bent alot but it is still hard for our family to maintain a loving relationship.
Zachary has never shown signs of mental illness although he had ADHD as a child he has outgrown the symptoms. He is going into the Army now and I am very proud of him. I am proud of all my children because they have been through alot with me and suffer from their own problems too. They are strong and fighting their disorder with all they have because I refuse to let them give up on themselves. I encourage them to stay focused and learn from their mistakes. I have been so angry at each of them on several occasions but they are my babies even though they are grown and I love them unconditionally.
I have since found a man that is so good to me that fulfills all my needs and gives me the encouragement I need. He loves my kids and grandchildren. He is devoted to me and he also suffers with a mental illness. Even though we both have a mental illness, it is where we are, in recovery, that helps make our relationship the best thing I have ever had in my life.
Living with a bi-polar family can work. The normal problems can be magnified somewhat but if you learn to adjust to the problems, usually there isn't a time when everyone is on the same cycle. This means that we can manage by helping each other through techniques we have learned by educating ourselves about our illnesses and working together. The shame in being mentally ill is going away in our family. I am striving to teach my children there is no shame in this. I know that God will guide my family and we will succeed as a united family just as "normal" as the next one.
God Bless you and I hope your family can heal like mine is.
Vanessa
I had been very withdrawn from my family most of my life. I remember when my sister was born I moved to the basement to keep from sharing a room. I was about nine at the time. I was very full of thoughts of not fitting in with all the people I loved very much.
I went through my teens this was so I guess the bi-polar was active even then. I didn't know what was going on. My mom and dad thought it was because I was overweight as a teenager. I don't know if part of it wasn't that but, I had been going through alot more serious problems than this. There were other kids who were overweight who didn't have the issues I had. I just didn't fit in.
As a young adult I became very promiscuous and spent alot of time medicating myself and my depression with alcohol. That just made things worse. I feel that when I married my first husband I wasn't mentally stable enough to decide for myself that this was what I wanted. What could my parents do? I mean I was over 20 yrs. old they had no options available to them. I wasn't ill to the point where I couldn't make sense and interact with others. I was not a candidate for an institution but still out of control.
My first husband took care of my daughter and I. My daughter came from a previous relationship that ended on bad terms. David was a great person and basically the ideal husband. The outside world saw this side of him. When we were alone it was a different story. The only time it became public was when he wanted to share me with his sailor buddies at parties we had at our home. He played mind games with me and abused me sexually and mentally, although, never laying a hand on me I was very scared of him.
When I met my second husband, a man I loved very much, we were both very ill. He had a drug and alcohol addiction on top of bi-polar disorder. Although he had these problems we had a bond that no one could break. I put him on a pedestal I now know why--it was because he had given me the courage to leave David. Chris although, having these problems could be the ultimately loving husband and father. He was great for Laura and I. Soon, came Zachary, who made our bond stronger. He was a great joy for Chris. Chris was there the whole pregnancy and very supportive to me. We became married and worked hard to make a life for our kids. Gregory came along almost three years into our marriage and we had started growing apart by this time.
I think our love by this time we knew was fading due to our illnesses. See two bi-polars have a hard time getting through the rough spots together. I went through major withdrawals from reality when I realized it was over between Chris and I. I wanted to hate him but caught myself taking up for him when my friend would say bad things about him. I later after our divorce found out he had been with all my friends who would have him and had been unfaithful to me all the time we were together. I didn't care because he had given me two wonderful boys whom I love very much. I am very proud of these two boys and would have never been able to come back to reality without them and Laura my daughter.
Okay, this is where it gets rough,
I am bi-polar not knowing what that meant exactly. My daughter was diagnosed with ADHD and later on bi-polar. We were very much affected by this disorder because it kept us from bonding as she grew up. The older she got the worse it got. I loved her but couldn't show her.
My son Zachary, diagnosed as ADHD, was a very difficult child to deal with and on top of my very serious depression and manic episodes it was even unbearable. He and I always had this bond that was very strong. When he was a pre-teen we ended up putting him in states custody because he refused to go to school. I wasn't strong enough to get him to go and force him to listen to me. Even with the hard ball attitude of Zachary I think I was more attached to him, maybe because I was the one who took care of him with support of course but, Laura had moved in with my parents for the most part as a young child.
This was a wake up call for me. I had been through alot of serious medication concoctions and by drugs such as Thorazine and haladol. I was raising my kids on this. Or, were they raising me?
My son Gregory, was a quiet child and always showed signs of a social disorder. We found out later that he after being labeled "mentally retarded" was in fact suffering from Asburgers. This is a disorder which makes it almost impossible to socialize with others. He has a learning disability and he improves these unfortunate problems everyday. He is more sociable now than ever before and he is working on his reading skills which he knows are bad and is very embarrassed because of it. I know that my son will grow and learn and eventually get what he wants out of life. He has grow so much and I am proud of my "little 6'3 man.
It is hard having a family with serious mental illnesses all attacking each other all the time. We have our moments even to the present but, we are still there for each other. My boys are almost grown now. Laura has her own family, which is following the same path as ours to a certain degree. Her two children and her live with my mother, the strong woman who kept me alive all these years, while her husband also, suffering with mental illness lives in another city for reasons I care not to go into. The cycle seems to never break though I have tried. I think it has been bent alot but it is still hard for our family to maintain a loving relationship.
Zachary has never shown signs of mental illness although he had ADHD as a child he has outgrown the symptoms. He is going into the Army now and I am very proud of him. I am proud of all my children because they have been through alot with me and suffer from their own problems too. They are strong and fighting their disorder with all they have because I refuse to let them give up on themselves. I encourage them to stay focused and learn from their mistakes. I have been so angry at each of them on several occasions but they are my babies even though they are grown and I love them unconditionally.
I have since found a man that is so good to me that fulfills all my needs and gives me the encouragement I need. He loves my kids and grandchildren. He is devoted to me and he also suffers with a mental illness. Even though we both have a mental illness, it is where we are, in recovery, that helps make our relationship the best thing I have ever had in my life.
Living with a bi-polar family can work. The normal problems can be magnified somewhat but if you learn to adjust to the problems, usually there isn't a time when everyone is on the same cycle. This means that we can manage by helping each other through techniques we have learned by educating ourselves about our illnesses and working together. The shame in being mentally ill is going away in our family. I am striving to teach my children there is no shame in this. I know that God will guide my family and we will succeed as a united family just as "normal" as the next one.
God Bless you and I hope your family can heal like mine is.
Vanessa
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Life day by day
Since I have started following doctors orders I have been able to maintain a steady regimen. Not always free of stress as a matter of fact always full of stress but, I have learned coping skills through my involvement with NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) and TMHCA (Tennessee Mental Health Comsumers Association) to help me survive my craziness. Things don't look so gloomy anymore because of these skills. I also learned alot through the psychosocial program I attend in Johnson City, TN.
Victory Center is a program that has saved my life. First, VC, introduced me to Mary Ellen Copeland, my mentor, and then second, to NAMI and TMHCA. I learned WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) under two of the greatest examples in my life, they have been my personal mentors here in TN. I may never get to meet Mrs. Copeland but, I know these ladies and they have made a difference in my life. I can't express how much they mean to me. I owe them alot. I hope someday to make them proud and for them to know they made the difference in my life today. I won't mention names because that is confidential. I wouldn't want you stealing them from me now would I?
Seriously, I get my energy from my willingness to be alive. I haven't always wanted to be alive and more than once tried to take that into my own hands. Obviously there is a reason for me to be here so I guess I will start trying to put forth effort to figure that reason out. I believe I know what that reason is and I am living it now. Oh I may not be getting paid monetarily but, I am getting paid folks. Every time I hear one of these guys I volunteer with say, "you make me so happy, Vanessa" or "I don't know what I would do without you". This is important to me because it makes a difference in my life. It keeps me well when I can make a difference. I think this is the reason for me to be alive. So, I take it day by day and I plan to help others as much as I can as long as can. This IOOV program means alot to me. Telling my story about my life struggles helps me to deal with my own reality. Sharing with others is my way of giving back and hopefully if it helps one person, it will be worth it all. I enjoy telling my story and try to make it interesting when I tell it.
Thanks IOOV for helping me reach my goal of helping others realize their potential through my story, hopefully they won't be my age when they learn theirs.
Love ya all, Vanessa
Victory Center is a program that has saved my life. First, VC, introduced me to Mary Ellen Copeland, my mentor, and then second, to NAMI and TMHCA. I learned WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) under two of the greatest examples in my life, they have been my personal mentors here in TN. I may never get to meet Mrs. Copeland but, I know these ladies and they have made a difference in my life. I can't express how much they mean to me. I owe them alot. I hope someday to make them proud and for them to know they made the difference in my life today. I won't mention names because that is confidential. I wouldn't want you stealing them from me now would I?
Seriously, I get my energy from my willingness to be alive. I haven't always wanted to be alive and more than once tried to take that into my own hands. Obviously there is a reason for me to be here so I guess I will start trying to put forth effort to figure that reason out. I believe I know what that reason is and I am living it now. Oh I may not be getting paid monetarily but, I am getting paid folks. Every time I hear one of these guys I volunteer with say, "you make me so happy, Vanessa" or "I don't know what I would do without you". This is important to me because it makes a difference in my life. It keeps me well when I can make a difference. I think this is the reason for me to be alive. So, I take it day by day and I plan to help others as much as I can as long as can. This IOOV program means alot to me. Telling my story about my life struggles helps me to deal with my own reality. Sharing with others is my way of giving back and hopefully if it helps one person, it will be worth it all. I enjoy telling my story and try to make it interesting when I tell it.
Thanks IOOV for helping me reach my goal of helping others realize their potential through my story, hopefully they won't be my age when they learn theirs.
Love ya all, Vanessa
Saturday, August 8, 2009
TURNING POINT
I have seen and suffured alot of turmoil in the past from the time I was a teenager I guess things didn't seem to be right.
I don't remember ever being happy at all even though I put on a front for others and I am a pretty damn good actress. I would be doctor jeckel/mr. hyde my family would say if they were asked today. I was never able to be completely open and loving with my family. I felt like an outcast for most of my life. Although this was the case I could get along with others as though I was the happiest person in the world. I never remember anyone picking up on it or if they did they never said a word to me.
I think this kind of pattern went on through my adult life and even though I have three wonderful children that I love very much, I never was able to express to them the love that I felt inside for them. I had felt this kind of turmoil all my life. I wanted to be accepted and loved by my family but never could fit in. I wasn't able to express or show my love then. When my kids were little I tried to be a good mom but I was so sick emotionally by this time that it was impossible for me to carry out the duties that I was supposed to do to be a good mom. I was always sick and they were sometime taking care of me instead of me being the caretaker.
I think my mom and dad are the ones who held together the family unit because if they hadn't been there for us I would have lost them to the child services. I am sure that I would have eventually been confined to an institution if that had happened because even though I couldn't do for myself it was because I was trapped inside this body that wouldn't alow me to function.
The turning point came from acceptance of my illness. At first, things stayed fairly close to the same. I still had alot of garbage to clean up that had been created through the destructive life I had lived all these years. Secondly, there were people I had to convince that I could be trusted, I am still working on that one. These people are my children. I have to constantly reenforce to my daughter that I am not her child. I have to constantly tell my son that I love him and I am sorry for the way he and I grew apart as I got worse and worse. I am learning to be a mom at 45 to three kids who are 25, 19 and 16. We are growing closer and things are changing but it has taken alot of time.
This turning point came about at my acceptance and has grew stronger and stronger everyday since. I have serious setbacks that cause me to want to give up sometimes but I have sought out ways to deal with these pressures. I have grown a great deal emotionally and mentally in the past eight or nine years. I lost my dad and that was hard to deal with. I think if it had happened just three years earlier I would have died with him. Acceptance helped me through the pain and I was even able to keep out of the hospital which would have been impossible a couple years earlier.
I think that the biggest thing that helped was getting to a place where I lost weight and felt good about myself. I lost over 22olbs and now maintain that and strive to loose more. I feel like a new person on the outside as well as the inside. I have been healing for years but started really working on recovery only two years ago. This is the biggest event in my life. Recovery has become my focus and feeling sorry for myself is the past! I could blame alot of things in my life on alot of other people and get alot of sympathy from others. I don't want sympathy anymore, I want understanding and support. I want to regain my self respect. I think the last time I remember having that was when I was about 7 yrs. old. Things change in your life you go through alot of trials and turmoil. The thing I have learned years and years after the fact is that dwelling on it only prolongs the agony and doesn't change a thing. So why let something hold you back when you can stop in your tracks and demand change NOW!
I don't remember ever being happy at all even though I put on a front for others and I am a pretty damn good actress. I would be doctor jeckel/mr. hyde my family would say if they were asked today. I was never able to be completely open and loving with my family. I felt like an outcast for most of my life. Although this was the case I could get along with others as though I was the happiest person in the world. I never remember anyone picking up on it or if they did they never said a word to me.
I think this kind of pattern went on through my adult life and even though I have three wonderful children that I love very much, I never was able to express to them the love that I felt inside for them. I had felt this kind of turmoil all my life. I wanted to be accepted and loved by my family but never could fit in. I wasn't able to express or show my love then. When my kids were little I tried to be a good mom but I was so sick emotionally by this time that it was impossible for me to carry out the duties that I was supposed to do to be a good mom. I was always sick and they were sometime taking care of me instead of me being the caretaker.
I think my mom and dad are the ones who held together the family unit because if they hadn't been there for us I would have lost them to the child services. I am sure that I would have eventually been confined to an institution if that had happened because even though I couldn't do for myself it was because I was trapped inside this body that wouldn't alow me to function.
The turning point came from acceptance of my illness. At first, things stayed fairly close to the same. I still had alot of garbage to clean up that had been created through the destructive life I had lived all these years. Secondly, there were people I had to convince that I could be trusted, I am still working on that one. These people are my children. I have to constantly reenforce to my daughter that I am not her child. I have to constantly tell my son that I love him and I am sorry for the way he and I grew apart as I got worse and worse. I am learning to be a mom at 45 to three kids who are 25, 19 and 16. We are growing closer and things are changing but it has taken alot of time.
This turning point came about at my acceptance and has grew stronger and stronger everyday since. I have serious setbacks that cause me to want to give up sometimes but I have sought out ways to deal with these pressures. I have grown a great deal emotionally and mentally in the past eight or nine years. I lost my dad and that was hard to deal with. I think if it had happened just three years earlier I would have died with him. Acceptance helped me through the pain and I was even able to keep out of the hospital which would have been impossible a couple years earlier.
I think that the biggest thing that helped was getting to a place where I lost weight and felt good about myself. I lost over 22olbs and now maintain that and strive to loose more. I feel like a new person on the outside as well as the inside. I have been healing for years but started really working on recovery only two years ago. This is the biggest event in my life. Recovery has become my focus and feeling sorry for myself is the past! I could blame alot of things in my life on alot of other people and get alot of sympathy from others. I don't want sympathy anymore, I want understanding and support. I want to regain my self respect. I think the last time I remember having that was when I was about 7 yrs. old. Things change in your life you go through alot of trials and turmoil. The thing I have learned years and years after the fact is that dwelling on it only prolongs the agony and doesn't change a thing. So why let something hold you back when you can stop in your tracks and demand change NOW!
Friday, August 7, 2009
unseen fears
No matter what I do in life there will be setbacks and trials. I have made a huge difference in my life by accepting my illness as part of me.
I lived in fear for years of my own thoughts and actions. I was out of control with my own reality. When I decided that shame is no longer an option for my life, things began to change for me.
I fear alot of things such as setbacks and med changes causing me to regress. I think about this often when the doctor starts to make changes in my treatment. I fear these things because of the past and what happened before I became "level". I always think of it even now but, I have learned ways to handle my fears. The unseen fears I keep fighting are squashed under the coping mechanisms I have learned over the past few years.
When I start feeling the rush of thoughts becoming negative I think of the ways I can override this fear. I have taught myself meditation techniques and breathing exercises which help me focus. I usually can override these unseen fears and I call them that because I can deal with them myself and therefore they don't interfere with my life as a whole.
My illness is a part of me that I am learning to control more and more everyday. I am so thankful for the people who have taught me these skills and guided me through the rough times while I fought hard to feel sorry for myself. I have came a long way and these unseen fears are under control. Thank you God!
Vanessa
I lived in fear for years of my own thoughts and actions. I was out of control with my own reality. When I decided that shame is no longer an option for my life, things began to change for me.
I fear alot of things such as setbacks and med changes causing me to regress. I think about this often when the doctor starts to make changes in my treatment. I fear these things because of the past and what happened before I became "level". I always think of it even now but, I have learned ways to handle my fears. The unseen fears I keep fighting are squashed under the coping mechanisms I have learned over the past few years.
When I start feeling the rush of thoughts becoming negative I think of the ways I can override this fear. I have taught myself meditation techniques and breathing exercises which help me focus. I usually can override these unseen fears and I call them that because I can deal with them myself and therefore they don't interfere with my life as a whole.
My illness is a part of me that I am learning to control more and more everyday. I am so thankful for the people who have taught me these skills and guided me through the rough times while I fought hard to feel sorry for myself. I have came a long way and these unseen fears are under control. Thank you God!
Vanessa
Thursday, August 6, 2009
My success in recovery
Football season if on its way and I am excited about that. Finding things that can subside the depression is the best way to handle the day by day struggle.
I know how hard it is to let go of the thoughts running through your head.
Just remember you are not alone and I and a lot of others are here to support you in your fight.
IOOV (In Our Own Voice), has helped me to see a future for myself. I go and tell a story of certain facets of my life and show the acceptance, treatment and coping skills I have acheived inthe past several years. The dark days slowly look brighter through this presentation. I then talk about my successes hopes and dreams I have built through reaching out for support and recovery. I recommend that you hear one of these presentations and see for yourself the possibilities available to you and those who are a part of your life, right down to the professionals you see on a regular basis. Seek this out you will not be sorry.
I learned so much by the opportunity to attend the Victory Center in Johnson City, TN. If you get the chance to attend a Psychsocial Rehabilitation Center, please take advantage of it.
Give all your attention to your own growth. Others around you will be symptomatic and you may feel this isn't for you, your not that bad off. Just remember that you are there to support your own growth and you can become a whole person again by giving it all you got. If you feel you are above this program maybe you can help others in the program reach for your recovery. If you do it will help you more than you know to be there for another person. You may even forget that you are depressed and move into a recovery process beyond what you have.
WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan), a plan that I have made my personal plan in case of the possibility of crisis in my mental health. It was designed by Mary Ellen Copeland, I recommend this plan to anyone of you. Even if you don't have a mental illness you can apply this plan to any aspect of your life.
NAMI (National Allience on Mental Illness) has been a strong support for me and my family. Find a support group of your own. I know that NAMI is in most areas of this country.
These are things that help me in my daily recovery process. You may find comfort in one of these things and I pray you reach out and look for a future.
God Bless you and I am here for you,
I know how hard it is to let go of the thoughts running through your head.
Just remember you are not alone and I and a lot of others are here to support you in your fight.
IOOV (In Our Own Voice), has helped me to see a future for myself. I go and tell a story of certain facets of my life and show the acceptance, treatment and coping skills I have acheived inthe past several years. The dark days slowly look brighter through this presentation. I then talk about my successes hopes and dreams I have built through reaching out for support and recovery. I recommend that you hear one of these presentations and see for yourself the possibilities available to you and those who are a part of your life, right down to the professionals you see on a regular basis. Seek this out you will not be sorry.
I learned so much by the opportunity to attend the Victory Center in Johnson City, TN. If you get the chance to attend a Psychsocial Rehabilitation Center, please take advantage of it.
Give all your attention to your own growth. Others around you will be symptomatic and you may feel this isn't for you, your not that bad off. Just remember that you are there to support your own growth and you can become a whole person again by giving it all you got. If you feel you are above this program maybe you can help others in the program reach for your recovery. If you do it will help you more than you know to be there for another person. You may even forget that you are depressed and move into a recovery process beyond what you have.
WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan), a plan that I have made my personal plan in case of the possibility of crisis in my mental health. It was designed by Mary Ellen Copeland, I recommend this plan to anyone of you. Even if you don't have a mental illness you can apply this plan to any aspect of your life.
NAMI (National Allience on Mental Illness) has been a strong support for me and my family. Find a support group of your own. I know that NAMI is in most areas of this country.
These are things that help me in my daily recovery process. You may find comfort in one of these things and I pray you reach out and look for a future.
God Bless you and I am here for you,
Friday, July 24, 2009
TIME TO LIVE IN THE PRESENT AND BEGIN TO LIVE
The minute I wake up I have to thank God that I am alive and well. I sometimes forget to do it that very moment that is true but, I always try to do it before the morning is gone away.
I have lived alot of bad memories and shown signs of whithering away. I have wanted to die many times. Why, you say? Well,
I could go into a long drawn out story about how life has treated me unfair! I could just tell you I have been abused and mistreated all my life through on source or another. I could give excuse after excuse for my reasons but, they simply don't seem important anymore. I have moved on from my past and live in the present. I used to dwell on the suicidal thoughts and the depression that made me who I WAS. Now, it just doesn't seem important enough to dwell on.
I live for today and hope for tomorrow, I look for the future in my present hopes and dreams.
I just allow myself to glance over the past from time to time to share with others the mistakes and the acceptance of my past which got me to where I am now. This shows me every time I speak that I have made it just one more day and I am proud of that! Live in the present is my best advice to anyone who is allowing themselves to have a pity party dwelling on past experiences. I know from experience that all it gets you is another day full of sorrow and pain. Think about now and the things that you have. You husband, children, grand kids? whatever that it is that keeps you alive. Today, is just the start of a brand new future. I can tell you it is much more exciting than living in the past.
I pray for each one that reads this that you see a future full of hopes and dreams. I know that God has a plan for you and me. We just have to hold on to what we have, enjoy the things we have, and to thank God for these things everyday. This will lead us to that place where we finally see what God has in store for us here on this earth.
I have lived alot of bad memories and shown signs of whithering away. I have wanted to die many times. Why, you say? Well,
I could go into a long drawn out story about how life has treated me unfair! I could just tell you I have been abused and mistreated all my life through on source or another. I could give excuse after excuse for my reasons but, they simply don't seem important anymore. I have moved on from my past and live in the present. I used to dwell on the suicidal thoughts and the depression that made me who I WAS. Now, it just doesn't seem important enough to dwell on.
I live for today and hope for tomorrow, I look for the future in my present hopes and dreams.
I just allow myself to glance over the past from time to time to share with others the mistakes and the acceptance of my past which got me to where I am now. This shows me every time I speak that I have made it just one more day and I am proud of that! Live in the present is my best advice to anyone who is allowing themselves to have a pity party dwelling on past experiences. I know from experience that all it gets you is another day full of sorrow and pain. Think about now and the things that you have. You husband, children, grand kids? whatever that it is that keeps you alive. Today, is just the start of a brand new future. I can tell you it is much more exciting than living in the past.
I pray for each one that reads this that you see a future full of hopes and dreams. I know that God has a plan for you and me. We just have to hold on to what we have, enjoy the things we have, and to thank God for these things everyday. This will lead us to that place where we finally see what God has in store for us here on this earth.
Monday, July 6, 2009
i still get depressed very often. I spend alot of time bring myself out of a seriously despondent mood. I think the reason for that is I get to a point where I am going at full speed and then I have a set back that attacks my every being.
There are times I can pull myself out really fast and other times that makes it almost impossible for me to breathe for weeks at a time. The thing that seems to help me the most is my family. If they can reach me I usually do well. If they don't see me falling it can be even harder coming through the pain.
It is very painful to look back and see that my progress has fallen apart. This makes it even harder to come alive again.
I have been rather worn out in the past few weeks. Not because of being over worked but because of stress over not being heard.
I have been totally distraught about the idea that some or most have given up on the program. At out NAMI meeting last week no one showed up eccept the president and Eric and myself. So we went ahead and canceled the whole thing.
Has everyone given up because the government has scewed us over?
We have to stand stronger than before and I feel that even though we have to work a little harder we should continue to stand strong in our fight to win this war.
I plan to fight as long as I can and I pray that you will do the same.
I will be sending out invites and miss you emails today and I pray that we can all touch base for a group by at least next month. I realize it is summer but we still need to support the one that keeps us alive.
Strength, support and hope begin when we all stand together. So lets make it know that we are strong and will support our NAMI groups no matter what!
That's my gripe for the day. I will try to be more encouraging the next time I write.
Nessa
There are times I can pull myself out really fast and other times that makes it almost impossible for me to breathe for weeks at a time. The thing that seems to help me the most is my family. If they can reach me I usually do well. If they don't see me falling it can be even harder coming through the pain.
It is very painful to look back and see that my progress has fallen apart. This makes it even harder to come alive again.
I have been rather worn out in the past few weeks. Not because of being over worked but because of stress over not being heard.
I have been totally distraught about the idea that some or most have given up on the program. At out NAMI meeting last week no one showed up eccept the president and Eric and myself. So we went ahead and canceled the whole thing.
Has everyone given up because the government has scewed us over?
We have to stand stronger than before and I feel that even though we have to work a little harder we should continue to stand strong in our fight to win this war.
I plan to fight as long as I can and I pray that you will do the same.
I will be sending out invites and miss you emails today and I pray that we can all touch base for a group by at least next month. I realize it is summer but we still need to support the one that keeps us alive.
Strength, support and hope begin when we all stand together. So lets make it know that we are strong and will support our NAMI groups no matter what!
That's my gripe for the day. I will try to be more encouraging the next time I write.
Nessa
Friday, June 26, 2009
As I sit here this morning. I thank God for being here. I have been through so much in my life and had given up so many times. But something, always brought me back... God has that power and has kept me here for a reason.
The mental health field has always been a mystery to me but still very real in my life. I plan to give back to the mental health field as I can. I have a very strong interest in helping others. This is apparently the place I can give the most to. I have come a long way in the past few years, I now have a future full of dreams and hopes for my future. Happiness is a real thing in my life now. I am on my way to better things even if I am 45 yrs. old this year I still can make a difference. Hopefully someone will hear my cry and realize recovery is there before they get to the age I am.
I have made it! Even though I waisted alot of years of possible happiness due to insecurity and fear of failure I am here now! I feel fear in a different aspect of my life. I look at the failures as experience not from college aspect but real life learned experiences. I can succeed and I will. Maybe not in the way someone else sees success but in my eyes I have received miracles beyond measure, I am a person full of hope!
God Bless everyone of you,
Nessa
The mental health field has always been a mystery to me but still very real in my life. I plan to give back to the mental health field as I can. I have a very strong interest in helping others. This is apparently the place I can give the most to. I have come a long way in the past few years, I now have a future full of dreams and hopes for my future. Happiness is a real thing in my life now. I am on my way to better things even if I am 45 yrs. old this year I still can make a difference. Hopefully someone will hear my cry and realize recovery is there before they get to the age I am.
I have made it! Even though I waisted alot of years of possible happiness due to insecurity and fear of failure I am here now! I feel fear in a different aspect of my life. I look at the failures as experience not from college aspect but real life learned experiences. I can succeed and I will. Maybe not in the way someone else sees success but in my eyes I have received miracles beyond measure, I am a person full of hope!
God Bless everyone of you,
Nessa
Thursday, June 18, 2009
COPING SKILLS
I think I should add a couple lines for those who are seeking help through therapy.
I went through alot of therapists when I was sick. I thought I ran them off with my
issues. I don't know why I just felt they thought I was a hopeless case.
When I was at my worst I was introduced to case management. I couldn't really get
anything done for myself. I was on the verge of loosing everything. My kids we taking
care of me. I thank God in Heaven for the next phase of my life.
I was introduced to a woman we will call Deloris. I think she was sent to me from heaven
above. Deloris was a case manager that was very straight with me. When I tried to
scare her off she didn't go anywhere. She would even come to my apartment and kick me
in the ass if I needed it. I needed it alot!
With her guidance I found that being honest with my doctor and her was essential in getting
better. I also, couldn't hide that fact that I wasn't taking my medication either. She always
knew. I think I got mad at her about every time we talked for a while. But, I listened to her
She became one of the best friends and mentors I have ever had. I thank her so much
for being there. I feel she was the very start of my recovery. Thank you Deloris
and God Bless You friend!!
There were others who were a big part of my recovery like my family and friends.
One other person stands out in the mental health field. She is a very dear friend too!
Her name is Kathy, she is a straight forward but loving understanding person. I think
two years ago when I lost my adopted son who drowned I would have been so crushed
that suicide was the only option. My son was blaming himself and I was grieving over three other people that i loved dearly. One of which was one of my best friends who died unexpectedly in a car accident. I had moved and had reiceved a new case manager he was almost as good as Deloris but I didn't get to know him very well before moving again.
He got me involved in the Victory Center. A Phsyco social rehabilitation center based on recovery. This is where I met Kathy.
I learned so much under this program. The way I did it was being honest with myself
and others so that it made getting better a smoother process. I had learned that lying about who I was to my doctor only took away from me. I was the only one it hurt. It wasted their time but they got paid well to waste their time.
Kathy and her honest nature full of respect and love but, still brutally honest helped me so much. I will always consider her a big part of my recovery. For that I thank her and consider her one of my mentors. God Bless you too Kathy!!
These people helped me but I helped myself by being honest with myself first and then insisting on being a part of my treatment program. Sharing my concerns and symtoms with my doctor instead of hiding them. Getting over the shame that I am who I am. Learning to love myself these are the things I have done for myself. These are the women who helped me see these things in myself.
Sincerely, Nessa
I went through alot of therapists when I was sick. I thought I ran them off with my
issues. I don't know why I just felt they thought I was a hopeless case.
When I was at my worst I was introduced to case management. I couldn't really get
anything done for myself. I was on the verge of loosing everything. My kids we taking
care of me. I thank God in Heaven for the next phase of my life.
I was introduced to a woman we will call Deloris. I think she was sent to me from heaven
above. Deloris was a case manager that was very straight with me. When I tried to
scare her off she didn't go anywhere. She would even come to my apartment and kick me
in the ass if I needed it. I needed it alot!
With her guidance I found that being honest with my doctor and her was essential in getting
better. I also, couldn't hide that fact that I wasn't taking my medication either. She always
knew. I think I got mad at her about every time we talked for a while. But, I listened to her
She became one of the best friends and mentors I have ever had. I thank her so much
for being there. I feel she was the very start of my recovery. Thank you Deloris
and God Bless You friend!!
There were others who were a big part of my recovery like my family and friends.
One other person stands out in the mental health field. She is a very dear friend too!
Her name is Kathy, she is a straight forward but loving understanding person. I think
two years ago when I lost my adopted son who drowned I would have been so crushed
that suicide was the only option. My son was blaming himself and I was grieving over three other people that i loved dearly. One of which was one of my best friends who died unexpectedly in a car accident. I had moved and had reiceved a new case manager he was almost as good as Deloris but I didn't get to know him very well before moving again.
He got me involved in the Victory Center. A Phsyco social rehabilitation center based on recovery. This is where I met Kathy.
I learned so much under this program. The way I did it was being honest with myself
and others so that it made getting better a smoother process. I had learned that lying about who I was to my doctor only took away from me. I was the only one it hurt. It wasted their time but they got paid well to waste their time.
Kathy and her honest nature full of respect and love but, still brutally honest helped me so much. I will always consider her a big part of my recovery. For that I thank her and consider her one of my mentors. God Bless you too Kathy!!
These people helped me but I helped myself by being honest with myself first and then insisting on being a part of my treatment program. Sharing my concerns and symtoms with my doctor instead of hiding them. Getting over the shame that I am who I am. Learning to love myself these are the things I have done for myself. These are the women who helped me see these things in myself.
Sincerely, Nessa
FEELING AGAIN
Living in the past has been my life for a very long time. I have felt very sorry for myself which only added to my termoil.
Being an outcast in school and at home I felt basically the same way, I closed myself off to keep from hurting so bad. Things seemed to be easier that way.
When I was twelve years old I lost my grandfather who at the time was my whole world. I looked up to him because he treated me like a princess. When he died I floated into a world of my own which eventually lead me to confinning myself to my room and pretending that I had all these friends who surrounded me a basically worshiped the ground I walked on. I had those imaginary friends for a long time. These people were my world. I closed my family out mentally and physically.
Life for me was so mondain and I worthlessly trudged through my teens. I had a dream of being somone important but was scared to try to be that person.
I had alot of teenage ups and downs. Mostly downs, I barely graduated form high school because I was picked on at school and laughed at because of my size and introverted personality. I felt so alone. I did have a couple friends and still remain close to one, Lisa. Together we got into alot of mischief that seemed to send us in two different directions. Permiscouasly I trudged through two divorces which i suffered alot of abuse. Abuse to me was attention whether it was bad or good that attention kept me going.
One day I woke up inside myself I was alive wanting to be that person I had dreamed of so long ago. I couldn't get out of this body that had developed into a 420 lb disqusting mess. I was so alone and sufficating through this nightmare.
I had started therapy and was involved in the mental health program that was available to me. I didn't use it to my advantage because I was ashamed to be in the mess I was in. I was out of control and scared to death of myself.
I found out that I was a mother of three wonderful children which I have very vauge memories of their little lives. I knew I loved them and they were my reason for being alive but I couldn't fully love them because I was disgusted with me and hated myself.
I knew from learning alot through therapy but mostly from a dear friend who happened to be my mother-in-law. She told me I was worth something, that I was more than a mother, I had a purpose for myself. I learned I had to fight for that person inside of me. I had to get out!
With gastric by-pass surgery and alot of prayers from my church family, support from everyone around me I climbed out of that body for the first time in my life. I became an individual! I loved myself. Not in a vain way but honestly loved being me. I could reach for recovery not only physically but mentally and spitritually. God is the one who gave me life and he brought me out of this tunnel I had burried myself in 30 yrs. earlier.
I started planning and reaching out for a future not wanting to die anymore. I was able to love my children wholeheartedly. I could recovery from a long wounded life of self mutilation.
It has taken me about 13 yrs. to accomplish this plan and I still have a long way to go. I, starting at 44 yrs. old to make a life for me I should have had at 20 is hard. I no that with prayer and strength from God above, I will make it through the rest of my life happy to be a part of his wonderful awsome plan.
I hope this isn't too deep. I express these thoughts to hopefully help someone reachout for recovery before going through this long painful life of nothingness.
Simply, Vanessa Hansen
Being an outcast in school and at home I felt basically the same way, I closed myself off to keep from hurting so bad. Things seemed to be easier that way.
When I was twelve years old I lost my grandfather who at the time was my whole world. I looked up to him because he treated me like a princess. When he died I floated into a world of my own which eventually lead me to confinning myself to my room and pretending that I had all these friends who surrounded me a basically worshiped the ground I walked on. I had those imaginary friends for a long time. These people were my world. I closed my family out mentally and physically.
Life for me was so mondain and I worthlessly trudged through my teens. I had a dream of being somone important but was scared to try to be that person.
I had alot of teenage ups and downs. Mostly downs, I barely graduated form high school because I was picked on at school and laughed at because of my size and introverted personality. I felt so alone. I did have a couple friends and still remain close to one, Lisa. Together we got into alot of mischief that seemed to send us in two different directions. Permiscouasly I trudged through two divorces which i suffered alot of abuse. Abuse to me was attention whether it was bad or good that attention kept me going.
One day I woke up inside myself I was alive wanting to be that person I had dreamed of so long ago. I couldn't get out of this body that had developed into a 420 lb disqusting mess. I was so alone and sufficating through this nightmare.
I had started therapy and was involved in the mental health program that was available to me. I didn't use it to my advantage because I was ashamed to be in the mess I was in. I was out of control and scared to death of myself.
I found out that I was a mother of three wonderful children which I have very vauge memories of their little lives. I knew I loved them and they were my reason for being alive but I couldn't fully love them because I was disgusted with me and hated myself.
I knew from learning alot through therapy but mostly from a dear friend who happened to be my mother-in-law. She told me I was worth something, that I was more than a mother, I had a purpose for myself. I learned I had to fight for that person inside of me. I had to get out!
With gastric by-pass surgery and alot of prayers from my church family, support from everyone around me I climbed out of that body for the first time in my life. I became an individual! I loved myself. Not in a vain way but honestly loved being me. I could reach for recovery not only physically but mentally and spitritually. God is the one who gave me life and he brought me out of this tunnel I had burried myself in 30 yrs. earlier.
I started planning and reaching out for a future not wanting to die anymore. I was able to love my children wholeheartedly. I could recovery from a long wounded life of self mutilation.
It has taken me about 13 yrs. to accomplish this plan and I still have a long way to go. I, starting at 44 yrs. old to make a life for me I should have had at 20 is hard. I no that with prayer and strength from God above, I will make it through the rest of my life happy to be a part of his wonderful awsome plan.
I hope this isn't too deep. I express these thoughts to hopefully help someone reachout for recovery before going through this long painful life of nothingness.
Simply, Vanessa Hansen
Monday, June 8, 2009
LIFE EXPEIENCES
There is a very good reason for life experiences, although, when facing them it seems like the end of the world.
There have been times when suicide seemed like the only way out for me. I thought my life wasn't worth it. My children all had serious issues with their progress in life and I felt like a failure as a mother.
I have a son with Asbutgers disease, I thought my bi-polar was bad enough so when this came apparent I lost it. I thought it was my fault and I could have changed the problem (IF) I had just done _____??? I didn't know what but something had to have been my fault.
For years this effected my progress which made more difficult on my children. My older two thought I loved Greg more because i seemed to give him more attention. I always thought that Laura (my oldest) and (Greg) my youngest would think I favored my son (Zack) more. Which, I never loved one of them any more than the other. It just was hard for me to be a mother from the very beginning. I wasn't able to share my love with others in the right way.
Different things have happened over the years that make me look back now, and see that if I hadn't been through these things i wouldn't be the unique person I am today.
I thank God for who I am, This is a new thought process for me. It took me about 40 years to come to like and love who I am. I hope that something I say to someone as I speak out might keep them from waiting and waisting so many years of life and enjoy their children more.
Life is way too short to take for granted. I always heard that but never really knew what it really meant until now.
Thanks for listening,
Sincerely,
Vanessa Hansen
There have been times when suicide seemed like the only way out for me. I thought my life wasn't worth it. My children all had serious issues with their progress in life and I felt like a failure as a mother.
I have a son with Asbutgers disease, I thought my bi-polar was bad enough so when this came apparent I lost it. I thought it was my fault and I could have changed the problem (IF) I had just done _____??? I didn't know what but something had to have been my fault.
For years this effected my progress which made more difficult on my children. My older two thought I loved Greg more because i seemed to give him more attention. I always thought that Laura (my oldest) and (Greg) my youngest would think I favored my son (Zack) more. Which, I never loved one of them any more than the other. It just was hard for me to be a mother from the very beginning. I wasn't able to share my love with others in the right way.
Different things have happened over the years that make me look back now, and see that if I hadn't been through these things i wouldn't be the unique person I am today.
I thank God for who I am, This is a new thought process for me. It took me about 40 years to come to like and love who I am. I hope that something I say to someone as I speak out might keep them from waiting and waisting so many years of life and enjoy their children more.
Life is way too short to take for granted. I always heard that but never really knew what it really meant until now.
Thanks for listening,
Sincerely,
Vanessa Hansen
Thursday, June 4, 2009
My Craziness by: Vanessa Hansen
I have always thought i was alone in the fight against my past and illness. I have found in the past two years that this is far from the truth. I really am not alone!! There are others who feel the same as me that recovery from a mental illness is possible.
Most people will run after this first paragraph, although, you are not alone. We are a growing, recovering population which have rights.
I am a new member of NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), I have had my eyes opened up real wide in the past few months to ideas and frankly a new way of life.
I have been given the opportunity to be trained in three different programs lately which helps me and helps me help others. This has become my focus after a long time of living a non-existant life. I didn't fit in anywhere or feel like I belonged anywhere. I have three kids which love me very much but I couldn't have a relationship with them. I couldn't maintain a loving relationship with anyone which was hard on my because I am a loving person.
Things got really bad about 20 years ago and I ended up having to seek treatment for a mental illness. I have bi-polar disorder. Have it! It doesn't have me any longer. Since seeking help 20 years ago I went through some servere times and transformations that were very hard. I made it through them which is a feat in itself if you have any idea what it is like to have a mental illness.
Mentally ill have a very high suicide rate because of lack of support, lack of understanding, education, research into the disorders, and no hope for a future, because everyone looks at them as second class citizens.
I want you to know that I found out when I became aware of my mental illness that I walked down the street with mentally ill persons on a daily basis and never knew it before.
We don't wear a tatoo on our foreheads or have a certain look about us. We are doctors, lawyers, policemen, presidents, business tycoons, actors and others professionals that you wouldn't expect us to be. I was totally blown away when I found out this was the world I lived in. I never knew that people with mental illness could even function. I have learned so much in the past few years!
I speak with IOOV and BRIDGES to educate others on the importance of support, education and awareness. I educate others on the fact that there is no shame in being one of the mentally ill. I try to express to the families of these individuals that there is no shame in acceptance of the reality and that they are not alone. Also, express to even my family still that it isn't their fault. They didn't do anything to make me that way.
I speak out not to embarrass myself or to become a freak of nature, but, to show others that recovery is possible and reachable. I speak out to express the need for the support of organizations such as: National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) and others who spend their valuable time making recovery an easier process for the families as well as the persons who suffer from the illnesses.
This is my cause and my life.
Nessa
Most people will run after this first paragraph, although, you are not alone. We are a growing, recovering population which have rights.
I am a new member of NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), I have had my eyes opened up real wide in the past few months to ideas and frankly a new way of life.
I have been given the opportunity to be trained in three different programs lately which helps me and helps me help others. This has become my focus after a long time of living a non-existant life. I didn't fit in anywhere or feel like I belonged anywhere. I have three kids which love me very much but I couldn't have a relationship with them. I couldn't maintain a loving relationship with anyone which was hard on my because I am a loving person.
Things got really bad about 20 years ago and I ended up having to seek treatment for a mental illness. I have bi-polar disorder. Have it! It doesn't have me any longer. Since seeking help 20 years ago I went through some servere times and transformations that were very hard. I made it through them which is a feat in itself if you have any idea what it is like to have a mental illness.
Mentally ill have a very high suicide rate because of lack of support, lack of understanding, education, research into the disorders, and no hope for a future, because everyone looks at them as second class citizens.
I want you to know that I found out when I became aware of my mental illness that I walked down the street with mentally ill persons on a daily basis and never knew it before.
We don't wear a tatoo on our foreheads or have a certain look about us. We are doctors, lawyers, policemen, presidents, business tycoons, actors and others professionals that you wouldn't expect us to be. I was totally blown away when I found out this was the world I lived in. I never knew that people with mental illness could even function. I have learned so much in the past few years!
I speak with IOOV and BRIDGES to educate others on the importance of support, education and awareness. I educate others on the fact that there is no shame in being one of the mentally ill. I try to express to the families of these individuals that there is no shame in acceptance of the reality and that they are not alone. Also, express to even my family still that it isn't their fault. They didn't do anything to make me that way.
I speak out not to embarrass myself or to become a freak of nature, but, to show others that recovery is possible and reachable. I speak out to express the need for the support of organizations such as: National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) and others who spend their valuable time making recovery an easier process for the families as well as the persons who suffer from the illnesses.
This is my cause and my life.
Nessa
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