Changes

When I feel that change is coming on I really get scared. I have to really think about how it will benefit me and still feel out of control.
I think the reason is because of how long I have been closed off from the world. I feel really worried about how I will do and if I can follow through without failure.
I know that failure builds strength but when you have been where I have it can also put you back into a world that is scary, withdrawn, and down right impossible to live through.
I have seen alot of people who want and then reach for the stars to get it. I have always wanted to be one of those people. They tell me that they were terrified too and that is how they made it to where they are. I don't see it! I don't know how they can get where they are in a state of terror. I feel that terror everytime change comes my way. I have succeeded in alot of situations. I have made some great strides in my life. Somewhere along the way I always get shot down.
I have great kids and that was a success for me. They actually are one of my strengths. I know that if I depend on them to make me happy I will always live in their wings and that is wrong. For me as well as my children, I need to be happy for myself. I have learned this for the first time in my life and struggle so much to keep that happiness strong day by day. I think it makes my children feel much better because they don't have to make me happy all the time.
Fear is strong in my heart not only because of fearing failure but because my life was pulled out from under me at such a young age. I never related to my family again after my trama. I think I was alone from the day I felt my illness set in. No one understood me or what I wanted in life. I know that they wanted to understand but didn't know how.
When I face change it brings back all the struggles I have been through to get where I am today. I have came a long way but still fear my next step in life.
Challenges become strong in my heart. I want to be the things I dream about. I want to become who I need to be. When I think I am almost there things change and I feel all alone in a battle to be myself. Changing to myself instead of being this victim of circumstances is a feat that is hard for me. I know it sounds really hard to understand but life is different for me. I suffered for so long then, out of the blue I see a way to become the person I want to be. That scares me to death. I know I can succeed but I have this inner voice telling me that I can't because I have a mental illness and no one is going to take me serious.
When these voices start coming out I think it is God speaking to me somtimes. Telling me that it isn't going to work for me because of all the bad things I have done in my life. I know that is not true deep down but I become afraid of failure and not being accepted.
I am a very intelligent person who suffers from a mental illness not a person who is mentally ill. I am a person not my illness. This is what I know to be true. Change in my personal views of mental illness have helped me come to terms with this for myself. I dealt in the past with people telling me to "snap out of it", "you don't need your medication", "don't listen to those doctors because all they want to do is drug you up", "you can't do anything because your mentally ill", "Psychiatrists are all quacks and just there to get your money", "all you are is a legal drug addict", and, "you are just lazy". I am so tired of hearing people put me down and this makes my fears even stronger when I reach for the stars myself. I am 45 yrs. old and no where in my life. I know I can be and that isn't the problem, the problem is, I am so scared of failure that it controls my inner being.

Change can only be for the better, right? Right! Change is the only way I can defeat this battle I have been loosing for all my life. Change is the way and I need to let go of this fear of change. I can do it! Right? Right! Prayer and guidence, not from these hollier than thou christians but from God above is the only way for me.
I can get to where I want but change has to take place in order to get there. I pray to you O God, please make the change easy and be with me through this process.
Amen.