Time Heals

The old saying "time heals all wounds", is hard to swallow when you have been through what we go through on a day to day basis.
I know that time heals but, certain things stay within you forever. However, what you do with those things is what makes you a person.
I have been through over 20 yrs. of suffering and pain that was not understood by even myself. I have slowly learned about myself over the last few yrs. and have changed slowly into who I am today.
I am praying to God and seeking his guidance as I try to help others reach for recovery. The idea of watching people go through what I did and not help them is just not me. I have to reach out and be there for them. I think that is why I have made it through the seriously tough battles I have faced in my life.
I, cannot do it myself, I am a center point used by God to help others see. I don't want others to suffer for as long as I did. I want them to seek help now. This is my goal as a Peer Support Specialist. I pray that I can do what I am supposed to and say the things I am supposed to say to help others.
Vanessa (Scott) Hansen

P.s. I write in orange because bleed orange! GO VOLS!!!

survival

Life is so strange and full of surprises. You don't know who to trust anymore. I remember a time that it was possible to at least depend on a couple good friends and your family.

Now, it is hard to even trust your family when you think about it. Not knowing whether they are going to talk behind your back or give you a bad rap amongst the rest of your family as a whole. My life has been filled with people with the very best intentions trying to help me through the tough things I was going through. I would put myself in some doosies I know, although no one understood my illness, they did support me and I am grateful.

I have came so far in the past 15 yrs. and believe it or not have become very capable of making most decisions on my own. I know when to ask for help and not but, they still question me.

I realize they are just worried about relapse and don't want to see that happen. I feel that my own wellness depends on my being independent and in control of me.

So, I come across hateful sometimes to them and I get aggravated easily when they second guess my decisions.

I don't mean to be that way it is just me trying to stay in control of me and my life. I get real defensive of these things which sometimes I overreact easily to but, I can't help it.

I apologize to these people with all my heart for my reactions sometimes because of these insecurities because of the past. I think sometimes they are war rented though because they are too controlling. Not because they want to be but because they think it is necessary, I love you all friends and family alike and I thank God you were all there when I needed you.

Thanks, nessa

I matter

Things seem to happen when you speak up for yourself. This is something I never understood until now. I have always been passive and misunderstood by others who think they could run over me. I was always following someone else's way instead of mine to keep the peace.

I have now learned that I need to speak my mind in order to be happy and to help others see me for who I am.

Usually, life is weird, things are easier when you just let things flow as they are but, if you speak up, let yourself be heard you feel you have made a stand for yourself and respect comes to you for yourself.

I am not one of those you would see starting wars or trying to hurt others with words or physically. I have always felt that to be wrong and useless. I now, look at things different, no I don't think I should fight with everyone all the time or push my weight around. No, I don't want to be a hard nosed person who has to have their way or no way. But, I will try to speak my mind on more occasions because it is important to my mental health and physical being for me to get that point across.

I have changed with growth and recovery. Liking myself has made me see that I am important enough to matter. For almost a half a century I felt useless and unimportant, now, I know I am someone and I matter to me if not to anyone else.

nessa

Being truthful with those you work with in the mental health field

Learning to love myself has been one of the hardest things I have ever faced in my life. I have done it! Though, it took me several years to accomplish this task I have made it to that mellow point in my life.

For years, I felt I should be ashamed of who I was or even embarrassed of the fact that I had a brain dysfunction. Quite like some have a dysfunction of the liver or heart. I simply have to take medication to control the flow of the cerebral fluid that flows in my brain. Unlike most people, I had people in my life who helped me to understand and learn to overcome it at a different level than others. But, however, with even their help, it took years to learn that I was okay and able to be acceptable to society as a person.

A lot of people think we don't have any idea that they are really not even believing in our recovery, they don't want us to recover and don't really believe we can. It is hype that they spread to make their program stand out. I know one program that does and I seen it in Knoxville. I am really glad I got to go there for classes in Oct. I see the difference in the way things are run there and the compassion that they have for the members. They reach out to them and show them they care. I seen a different side here in our area which I had faith in until I went down to Knox and then returned to be greeted with such an unwelcome feeling be some of the staff at the center I went to here. It was like they were afraid I was back to start program again. I don't know what the deal was but that kind arua wasn't present at the center in Knoxville. They all shared a common bond and you could tell that the staff always welcomed the members at anytime during the day for any reason. That is what these guys have been wanting up here and I didn't know what to tell them. I guess it is just the way one company is run compared to another.

I just wish the staff here would remember we are not gonna rub off on the and they are not gonna catch mental illness because they give you a hug. That is the way it felt for the last year or so. I don't attend there anymore and maybe I should keep my mouth shut but I don't think so. I heard it from so many of the consumers on a daily basis. They came to me instead of staff, that tells you there the difference.

A lot of the world would like to just shut us off from the rest of the world and pretend we are not alive, or that we are helpless and not important enough to have opinions or rights as human beings such as themselves.

A lot, of the world think that we are just as well to be medicated to a point of a "zombie state" and hospitalized to keep us from speaking out for ourselves. You see, we shouldn't be able to hold down a job, or work anywhere except maybe pushing buggies or bagging groceries. That isn't to say those aren't respectable jobs cause they are but, there are other jobs we qualify for also. We are not just puppets you can lead on a string. One minute you tell us we are lazy and don't want to work and then you put us down because we don't want to work a job that isn't up to our level. I don't think that any one of you that are in the cooperate field or even at the mental health programs in the area see us as potential candidates to go to work anywhere. I think you are just humoring us and trying to make us feel that we can but we won't.

Well, I will and I can, I have wanted nothing else but to go back to work since I had to leave work 17yrs. ago due to my illness. I, on medication levels that would stop anyone from functioning, couldn't get it together. I know that at one time I needed the assistance to bring me out of the manic state. Since that time I have worked hard at learning new skills to help myself mentally with out tons of medications and taking as low of a dose of meds as possible I am level now to the point that I feel I can confidently work on becoming a normal member of society. See, I never got that chance, that chance to be a normal member of society.

The main topic here is that even the ones who treat us for our mental illness think we are not able to be fully associated with the outside world. In public they won't speak to us they call it "creating boundaries between patients and employees" that is a polite way of saying they don't want to have anything to do with us on a friendship basis. I think it is sad that they teach one thing and then practice another. Frontier Health policy I guess. what ever!!! I am through with the system and the way they treat us as germs... I had so many of the people I went to program with come to me and tell me that was the way they felt and I know now that that is definitely true.

I would make a great employee for the frontier health peer support program and do a great job being a mentor to those around me who need that extra guidance to help them through but, I won't consider working somewhere where I have to keep my distance from people to the point where they know I don't mean what I tell them when I say that I am there for them and I care. I can't lie to people like that. That is not what I learned as a peer support specialist and I as a peer can't do it to another consumer.

The craziness started in me at a very young age and never stopped until I reached out for help on my own in 1989. At age 26. I was over thirty before I learned that I was worth something. You know, I was told that by others in my life plenty of times but, I had to believe it in myself. I had to learn that I was okay and I wasn't to blame, I had no shame and I was gonna be alright.

A lot of people helped me through this but I helped myself the most. I had family support through two divorces that should have killed me. I had my children who kept me alive inside and out. They never gave up on mom even when Mom gave up on herself.

One day, I woke up in a group of people who had the same type of illnesses I had and realized we all had a reason for being someone. I had a reason and so did they. They helped me realize I had to learn to love me first before anymore healing could happen. I could take classes read books, watch videos and learn, learn, and learn. The only way these things were gonna help me is to learn first that I am worth something and important enough to work on and heal.

There is only one way that I could come up with and that was to start by repeating to myself in the mirror over and over I am okay. That sounds silly but it is how I started. I had heard that in one of the self help books I had read and it worked. Then, I added I am worth something, then I like myself, that was hard!!!. then, eventually, I love me! Yeah, I love me! after 40 yrs. of turmoil amongst my own demons that ate away at me day and night, I learned that I was in love with ME!!!

That is when, I started to love others with a new attitude and my kids got the love they had been waiting on for over 20 yrs. I woke up a mother of three beautiful children and a also a happy life. I wish my dad could have seen me be happy, he always wanted that for me.

I am now seeing a wonderful man who is so good to me and my kids and treats me like i should be treated. He doesn't hit me, cheat on me, drink, take drugs you could say he is kinda boring I guess. But, I love him and he isn't boring to me. We have a great relationship and I am happy!

Peer Support

When I think of the training I just went through in Knoxville, I am proud to know that I have accomplished something for myself. I also, have learned more about our illnesses and how I can make a difference by helping others assist themselves in maintaining their own well being.

I think back 10 years ago, I was so sick and so many people had to help me with a lot of my responsibilities. I wanted to be the one to take of these things myself but for so many years, i think since my early teens i have been in an out of control state of mind that has kept me from growing as a person.

I think about the present, I am working on me, I have re-established relationships with the most important people in my life. The ones who have always been there for me and the ones who cared and wanted to understand even though they didn't know how.

That is where my job at the present comes in, yeah, i am working but only voluntarily at the moment. See I have no sound education presently, the college I went through was bogus and I am still fighting to make them understand at the government level that i was taken advantage of. I was a victim of business trying to make a quota and they trapped me along with several others at the time. I however, ended up not being able to handle the pressure due to the hard work I had put into the two years and the plans I had made to change my life. I went into a state of totally closing off from the world. There were other people who contributed big time to this break-down but, I had basically wasted two years of my adult life which I was seriously devoted to changing me...

back to the present, I know have grown after 17 yrs. to understand that I am still worth fighting for. A man whom I love very much told me that many time during this time but, I refused to believe him because i didn't love myself. He was my best friend and I could talk to him about anything, we have went our separate ways and i miss him very much. I will always love my friend Brian forever.

I have found and inner peace which makes me who I am. With God in my life, who has always been there, I accepted him as a child. I had walked away for so many reasons guilt and shame, stubbornly wanting to do things my way, I could name a list a mile long and God and I have been through that list a thousand times. I would go to church and then quit. Start back and then find some reason to move on. I loved being part of the church but felt I had only a certain leashed area which I could go because of my mental illness. I never felt i had the chance to fully worship in my church the way God and I needed to.

I had a Sunday School teacher and couple of great friends who accepted me and made me feel useful and wanted. The ladies of the church were wonderful for the most part but the men in most cases were not. I felt they felt were threatened by the unknown of my illness.

I know that other diseases or disorders came about in our lives at the church that were not even questioned. I know that there were time when I felt alone in my church which should not have been. I do know that some tried and they know who they are and others didn't and they know who they are.

My future, is full of hopes and dreams and successes already reached and in gear for my life. I am now a trained teacher for BRIDGES (Building Recovery of Individual Dreams, Goals and Educations, through Support). I have a WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) that I refer to on a daily basis. I just completed training for Peer Support Certificate Training. This is a training that will help me help others. I work really hard helping others on my own time and I try to be there for all of my friend and co-consumers. I think my phone number is very well published out there to help these people and I am there twenty-four seven. As long as I am healthy myself that is. I have learned that I can't be a good support for anyone if I am sick or not in a good place. I usually send them to someone they can talk to that I feel will help them like I can, usually they can do better. This is what I do and I hope I continue to grow in for the next segment of my life. I know there is no money involved here but, i have been dirt poor all my adult life so whats new. Right? Right.

Peer counseling for me is helping a friend help them self. Teaching them that they are capable and that jumping into the hospital isn't the right thing for them. Taking the med's has kept me growing and out of the hospital for over 13 yrs. now and I listen to my doctor do what I think is right based on what my doctor and I come to agree on and do my maintenance plan. If you don't know what that is I will be happy to explain it to you! just give me a call! love to all! God Bless you always,

Vanessa

This week inside my new life

You know,

It is one thing to be concerned about your own health and what's happening to you personally. When it is your child laying there it is another story. In the past two yrs. I have experienced this on two different occasions. I about lost my daughter about two yrs. ago and this week they admitted my son less than half of his blood was still in him.

They still don't know why a kid 17 yrs. old and tall and big to boot could walk into the emergency room after a second doctors visit that low on blood.

They think that he is bleeding somewhere in his stomach but with the tests that have been done they have no real clue for sure.

Greg has always been healthy as a horse. I think he went to the doctor, minus the pleading for school excuses for toe aches and minor home stay excuses, once in his life.

It is so scary to me to find your son white as a ghost one morning and hardly able to move around physically when he has been so healthy before.

I know that the Lord never puts more on you than you can handle and I am counting on that to be the case here. I pray that each of you keep praying for Greg because we still don't understand what is going on and the doctors are still running all kinds of tests. He is home from the hospital, last night, but he is still feeling very rough. So far his body is still holding the blood in his system and we are praying that what ever was going on has vanished. I know with God, All things are possible.

Thanks for your prayers and all your thoughts,

Vanessa n' family

Trusting others and their motives

After I became well enough to see things for myself, I started questioning my own opinions and choices. I also, questioned those who were around me and their motives because of being taken advantage of while I was very ill.

It is sad when trust in someone you love or have thought you trusted all your life turns out to be an issue for you. For years, I put my faith in my love and guidance of family members and now because of my experiences I didn't even trust them. Most of which had or have never given me a reason to distrust them in any way but, for some reason I didn't feel secure. I still have a hard time some days but have trained myself to override those fears. When I get to feeling these thoughts in my head I remind myself of the fact that they are family and friends and have been there for my whole life. I also, tell myself that they were unable to reach out to me and help me with my issues because of ignorance to the subject at hand. Mental illness back then was not a very well researched subject in the area we live in, especially.

I know that they didn't know how to handle my outbursts or the misunderstandings that caused ciaos in our lives.

I know these things played a major role in their actions and words that seemed to cut me like a knife at the time. We have never been able to get completely at ease until recent years of healing.

I really have to take these thoughts into consideration when, I have bad days or have thoughts of being inferior which happens a lot.

Healing came from learning to love me. I had to learn to trust that I was okay and that I was worth something before I could become able to do this. Years of self destruction lead me through trials that a lot of others only read about in the papers. I however, taught myself, to go on. I had mentors in my life that helped me through these times. As time went on my parents became my biggest and main support. They were there and always worked overtime to keep me from falling farther than I did. I thank God for them and all that they did and do for me.

Trust is learned and grows over a period of time. I first loved myself and then I could love others enough to care to trust them. There was a time I didn't care if anyone cared for me or not. I wanted to be in my own little private existence and erase the rest of the world. I wanted to die at times and also, wanted to forget that I had to include others in my life on an adult level. I lost a lot of years due to medication changes and overdoses which made it impossible for me to function. I can't blame anyone for these days but, i do have to learn to trust even my family concerning the fact that they were able or couldn't do anything to stop the process.

These things I have healed from and the trust is growing each day.

Love to my family whom I keep close to my heart and love very much even though for years I could not show them in the right way.

nessa