I think back 10 years ago, I was so sick and so many people had to help me with a lot of my responsibilities. I wanted to be the one to take of these things myself but for so many years, i think since my early teens i have been in an out of control state of mind that has kept me from growing as a person.
I think about the present, I am working on me, I have re-established relationships with the most important people in my life. The ones who have always been there for me and the ones who cared and wanted to understand even though they didn't know how.
That is where my job at the present comes in, yeah, i am working but only voluntarily at the moment. See I have no sound education presently, the college I went through was bogus and I am still fighting to make them understand at the government level that i was taken advantage of. I was a victim of business trying to make a quota and they trapped me along with several others at the time. I however, ended up not being able to handle the pressure due to the hard work I had put into the two years and the plans I had made to change my life. I went into a state of totally closing off from the world. There were other people who contributed big time to this break-down but, I had basically wasted two years of my adult life which I was seriously devoted to changing me...
back to the present, I know have grown after 17 yrs. to understand that I am still worth fighting for. A man whom I love very much told me that many time during this time but, I refused to believe him because i didn't love myself. He was my best friend and I could talk to him about anything, we have went our separate ways and i miss him very much. I will always love my friend Brian forever.
I have found and inner peace which makes me who I am. With God in my life, who has always been there, I accepted him as a child. I had walked away for so many reasons guilt and shame, stubbornly wanting to do things my way, I could name a list a mile long and God and I have been through that list a thousand times. I would go to church and then quit. Start back and then find some reason to move on. I loved being part of the church but felt I had only a certain leashed area which I could go because of my mental illness. I never felt i had the chance to fully worship in my church the way God and I needed to.
I had a Sunday School teacher and couple of great friends who accepted me and made me feel useful and wanted. The ladies of the church were wonderful for the most part but the men in most cases were not. I felt they felt were threatened by the unknown of my illness.
I know that other diseases or disorders came about in our lives at the church that were not even questioned. I know that there were time when I felt alone in my church which should not have been. I do know that some tried and they know who they are and others didn't and they know who they are.
My future, is full of hopes and dreams and successes already reached and in gear for my life. I am now a trained teacher for BRIDGES (Building Recovery of Individual Dreams, Goals and Educations, through Support). I have a WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) that I refer to on a daily basis. I just completed training for Peer Support Certificate Training. This is a training that will help me help others. I work really hard helping others on my own time and I try to be there for all of my friend and co-consumers. I think my phone number is very well published out there to help these people and I am there twenty-four seven. As long as I am healthy myself that is. I have learned that I can't be a good support for anyone if I am sick or not in a good place. I usually send them to someone they can talk to that I feel will help them like I can, usually they can do better. This is what I do and I hope I continue to grow in for the next segment of my life. I know there is no money involved here but, i have been dirt poor all my adult life so whats new. Right? Right.
Peer counseling for me is helping a friend help them self. Teaching them that they are capable and that jumping into the hospital isn't the right thing for them. Taking the med's has kept me growing and out of the hospital for over 13 yrs. now and I listen to my doctor do what I think is right based on what my doctor and I come to agree on and do my maintenance plan. If you don't know what that is I will be happy to explain it to you! just give me a call! love to all! God Bless you always,
Vanessa
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