Regrets

There are alot of things in life that you regret. Things happen for a reason I've always heard. I think that my life has been full of regrets due to my own thoughts of not feeling inadequate. I have been through alot of self destructive behaviors that I don't care to go into now. The thing that stands out to me is that I regret alot more than I care to remember. I think my most important regret goes without saying but I will anyway. I regret my part in making things so hard on my children. I think they have been my biggest blessing and I have not given them the proper respect as a mother.
Though you might say I had reasons for my kids suffering that were out of my control. Yeah they were out of control but not out of my control. I could have forced my family to accept my mental illness and forced them to know what was going on with me. I could have changed their minds into just what ever I thought they should. NOT!! The fact that I delt with these hardships alone was due to mental health ignorance as well as stupidity on their part.
Even staff of mental health programs have a hard time understanding and supporting individuals with our physical illnesses. I have a hard time especially with these guys because they are the ones you would expect to understand the most. But they are not!!
I deal with friends on a regular basis who have mental illnesses too! They all tell me they feel no one but me understands their pain. I try to refer them to Mental health staff who have been trained in this field but they all come back and say they don't understand me. I think they are "right on" even though I try to make myself believe to the contrary for their sakes. I think they all need to be able to trust in their health professionals but it is looking more and more bleak everyday.
It looks like with the more knowledge about the illness the better understanding of the needs of the patient... this is farther from the truth than you will ever know. I was shocked at how many people in the mental health field think they can fix us and not be our friends. They can stand back like we are "diseased" and let us think they are there for our own good. I think these people are in worse shape mentally than you and I. I can remember thinking no one cared at one point. Then, meeting someone who did care and starting to grow. Then, at the same time, I have met so many others who put on a show only to make a paycheck. You can tell who really cares and who doesn't. That is what the difference is between mental health professionals and mental health success mongers. Yeah you can make alot of money as a psycho doc or a social worker if you know what your doing, unfortunatly, if you can live with yourself this is probably the best job for you. However, if you truely care about people and want to make a difference it probably isn't the right field for you because you have to fight your colleegues the whole way because they normally don't give a "rats ass" about us. They say, "I am not in this for the money" that may be true in a way but, they are really in this to "Fix" us. They want to be the one to finally break through and show us the err of our ways. They want to make a name for themselves and move on with their own lives. Some just want to make us feel as if they care and they really don't. We are not stupid and when are they gonna realize this?
I am so tired of hearing I am hear for you and they really aren't. That is my biggest problem with some of these programs of late. Then, there are some of them who feel they have made their contribution and it is time for them to seek their rewards at all costs. I don't want any ones self pity, so I will say to those who really care, and, you know who you are, thank you and God Bless you always; For those of you who don't care and are so fake it shines through on a daily basis, you will pay one of these days for messing with the minds of those who really need you. Oh and you know who you are too if you can be truthful with your own self.
You can take all the book knowledge in the world and not get anywhere close to the real truth until you have been there yourself. Just as if you weren't self centered and tried to make others think you are you can't be self centered and not expect others to see through it.
I guess what I am trying to say is that mental health professionals fall into two groups. Those who care and can't do anything for you because they are blocked at every corner. Then, those you are told care but you know they don't because they won't do anything except "kiss ass"!
I know some will say I am having a manic moment but if that is what it is then good, I needed to get this off my mind. You are only as good as your word and I guess I am just as good as anyone else.
I will close by saying that to those who suffer from mental illness there are some who care and some who don't. You have to decipher this for yourself. I think you are right on if you feel that someone is out for themselves and not being honestly caring in this field. I hope that there are more out there who do than don't. My experience as of late is there isn't. God Bless and goodnight.