MEDICATION

Medication is tough to handle sometimes. When you have to remember to take these pills all the time and follow the doctors orders it can be so discouraging. I remember each time my medication had to be adjusted I got so upset and depressed. I wanted to die sometimes because I didn't think I could take another dose cause I was scared of the outcome.
When I became this zombie for so many yrs. I remember feeling like I was so lost to the world. I felt there was no reason to live. Even though I was so intelligent I couldn't keep it together. I felt like no one believed me because I didn't talk to myself. Oh there are things I never told the doctors because I was smart enough to know that if I told them I would be locked in a padded room.
Medication regimens are like anything else, touch and go. It is hard to figure out what is gonna work on one and what will work on another. I felt like a genie pig most of the time.
I remember being on so much medication that I couldn't think for myself. Although, I was operating a car and taking care of my kids on this medication. I fought it as much as I could but sometimes it would paralyze me to the point where I felt trapped inside my body and fighting hard to get out just wore me out.
This was a scary time and I would never like to go back there. I guess that is what motivates me now to stay on my meds.
I stopped taking meds several times and fought my doctor all the way trying to keep from taking anymore meds. I was afraid after the Thorazine phase to take some things he gave me.
I changed doctors because my doctors load got too big. I think that was the start of my progress. I had become so afraid to listen to my doctor that I wouldn't comply with his wishes. I kept staying on the same level of not progressing at all.
When I changed to the assistant doctor I gained trust in her because she called me on the fact that I wasn't taking my meds right. I didn't think they could figure it out. The other doctor had ever said anything about it.
Since that change in doctors I have progressed quite a bit. I think the biggest thing that helped was my case manager, whom has always been a trusted friend, kept me in line. I was blessed with good case management.
When I moved I had to change case managers and this sent me back a bit. I did get it together when I received a great case manager again in Elizabethton. He helped me alot too even though I didn't see him but a short time. I will never forget what he did for me.
I slowly learned over this time to take my medication on a regular regimen to keep the level in my system on an even keel. This worked tremendously, when I lost four dear people in my life that would normally have put me straight into the hospital, I was able to keep it together because I was on my meds.
It is so important to take your meds there is no shame in the fact that you have to take them. Everyone who has a physical illness takes medication and why would they feel ashamed for taking care of their lives? I have learned that shame ended me in the hospital on more than one occasion. I realize now that if I am honest about my feelings with my medical professional, share symptom irregularities, and take my prescribed medication on time and in the right way I can stay healthy.
Vanessa