TURNING POINT

I have seen and suffured alot of turmoil in the past from the time I was a teenager I guess things didn't seem to be right.
I don't remember ever being happy at all even though I put on a front for others and I am a pretty damn good actress. I would be doctor jeckel/mr. hyde my family would say if they were asked today. I was never able to be completely open and loving with my family. I felt like an outcast for most of my life. Although this was the case I could get along with others as though I was the happiest person in the world. I never remember anyone picking up on it or if they did they never said a word to me.
I think this kind of pattern went on through my adult life and even though I have three wonderful children that I love very much, I never was able to express to them the love that I felt inside for them. I had felt this kind of turmoil all my life. I wanted to be accepted and loved by my family but never could fit in. I wasn't able to express or show my love then. When my kids were little I tried to be a good mom but I was so sick emotionally by this time that it was impossible for me to carry out the duties that I was supposed to do to be a good mom. I was always sick and they were sometime taking care of me instead of me being the caretaker.
I think my mom and dad are the ones who held together the family unit because if they hadn't been there for us I would have lost them to the child services. I am sure that I would have eventually been confined to an institution if that had happened because even though I couldn't do for myself it was because I was trapped inside this body that wouldn't alow me to function.
The turning point came from acceptance of my illness. At first, things stayed fairly close to the same. I still had alot of garbage to clean up that had been created through the destructive life I had lived all these years. Secondly, there were people I had to convince that I could be trusted, I am still working on that one. These people are my children. I have to constantly reenforce to my daughter that I am not her child. I have to constantly tell my son that I love him and I am sorry for the way he and I grew apart as I got worse and worse. I am learning to be a mom at 45 to three kids who are 25, 19 and 16. We are growing closer and things are changing but it has taken alot of time.
This turning point came about at my acceptance and has grew stronger and stronger everyday since. I have serious setbacks that cause me to want to give up sometimes but I have sought out ways to deal with these pressures. I have grown a great deal emotionally and mentally in the past eight or nine years. I lost my dad and that was hard to deal with. I think if it had happened just three years earlier I would have died with him. Acceptance helped me through the pain and I was even able to keep out of the hospital which would have been impossible a couple years earlier.
I think that the biggest thing that helped was getting to a place where I lost weight and felt good about myself. I lost over 22olbs and now maintain that and strive to loose more. I feel like a new person on the outside as well as the inside. I have been healing for years but started really working on recovery only two years ago. This is the biggest event in my life. Recovery has become my focus and feeling sorry for myself is the past! I could blame alot of things in my life on alot of other people and get alot of sympathy from others. I don't want sympathy anymore, I want understanding and support. I want to regain my self respect. I think the last time I remember having that was when I was about 7 yrs. old. Things change in your life you go through alot of trials and turmoil. The thing I have learned years and years after the fact is that dwelling on it only prolongs the agony and doesn't change a thing. So why let something hold you back when you can stop in your tracks and demand change NOW!