CONTROL

Though I lived inside myself for a long period of my life, I feel that recovery has taken over. I have searched out the things that keep me alive and I now focus on them. I have learned that my children are as important to me as anything could be on this earth. I have got close to my daughter in such a different way than before. I have reached place in my life that I can grow with my son to a place of recovery in our lives. We have bonded even stronger than anytime in my life. I was so engrossed in feeling sorry for myself and afraid to live for myself that it made it hard for me to be a good mother.

I have been so closed off inside my own shell that it has been impossible to make it through this life. The feeling of being all alone and so afraid of my own existence which tainted my relationship with my children and everyone around me. I latched onto certain people who kept my life in turmoil constantly. When I finally found a person who could help me in a healing way I was almost 30 yrs. old. I latched on to that person with all my life and searched for that peace that was slow to come. My ex-husbands mother was instrumental in leading me to a point of consciousness. I made the move on my own but, she helped me see that I deserve to be happy.

After a long unhealthy relationship to my ex-husband, I let go of the idea that he and I were meant to be together. Our relationship had been a destructive poisonous personal existence. The most joyous part of our lives together came when my sons were born. Upon the end of our divorce I was told that he was cheating on me the entire time we were together. This came as a total shock because I had put him on this pedestal because he helped me escape a very abusive relationship when we first met. I was totally devoted to him and loved him as much as I could love anyone in this world. I took up for him when he made people angry with his attitude, I gave him credit for being a caring father to my children, I was so attached to the idea of being "in love" that I let these feelings be disguised as "real love". My children were the only real love I had in this life but I thought he was my world.

As our life together ended, he began a new family which didn't include our children anymore. This broke my heart as well as my boys hearts. There is still a deep resentment that probably will never be repaired in my boys lives. I tried very hard to teach my boys that their dad was sick and not to blame for his absence. I told them that I was to blame as much as their dad. As they grew up both of their parents were caught up in a sickness that consumed their whole existence. The boys and I survived and grew up together. They aged and I grew toward recovery day by day. Unfortunately, Laura, my daughter had moved in with my mother because our personalities could not exist together, she and I both, have bi-polar disorder. This added to my depression because I had failed her tremendously. I couldn't keep it together so I could be the mother to comfort her and help her grow. My parents took over that role in her life when John and married. This hurt and I blamed my parents because they spoiled her and made it impossible for me to compete. This was probably a good thing because I didn't love myself, how could I love my daughter?

It was several years I guess my youngest one was in middle school before I started to take control of my life. I began to gain self respect and encouragement through several people in my life, one of those was my friend Cynthia, which I will always be grateful for. I took full control of me and my kids rebelled so much it made in impossible sometimes. I had been their child for so long they couldn't let go and let me take on the mother role. It has taken the last few years for us to come to a point of healing as a family. I thank God for my children because they kept me alive. Every time I wanted to die, I tried several times to end it all, they were in my heart and wouldn't let go. Thank you sweet children, Laura, Zach and Greg, you have made me whole.

My self respect and dignity came when I started to feel HOPE. I started by educating myself, becoming an advocate for my own needs and then personal responsibility came with the support of my family and friends. Not always believing in me or trusting me because they had seen me as weak, my family was there all the same and loved me unconditionally. I started loving myself, then, started feeling the love of my children and the rest of my family. This is where control came in, When I started loving myself.

I hope you can reach this point.
Love, Nessa