I don't know when I realized I had a major problem with myself. Personality changes and out of control behavior had been a part of me I guess as long as I can remember, although this was true I didn't realize the problem.
I had been very withdrawn from my family most of my life. I remember when my sister was born I moved to the basement to keep from sharing a room. I was about nine at the time. I was very full of thoughts of not fitting in with all the people I loved very much.
I went through my teens this was so I guess the bi-polar was active even then. I didn't know what was going on. My mom and dad thought it was because I was overweight as a teenager. I don't know if part of it wasn't that but, I had been going through alot more serious problems than this. There were other kids who were overweight who didn't have the issues I had. I just didn't fit in.
As a young adult I became very promiscuous and spent alot of time medicating myself and my depression with alcohol. That just made things worse. I feel that when I married my first husband I wasn't mentally stable enough to decide for myself that this was what I wanted. What could my parents do? I mean I was over 20 yrs. old they had no options available to them. I wasn't ill to the point where I couldn't make sense and interact with others. I was not a candidate for an institution but still out of control.
My first husband took care of my daughter and I. My daughter came from a previous relationship that ended on bad terms. David was a great person and basically the ideal husband. The outside world saw this side of him. When we were alone it was a different story. The only time it became public was when he wanted to share me with his sailor buddies at parties we had at our home. He played mind games with me and abused me sexually and mentally, although, never laying a hand on me I was very scared of him.
When I met my second husband, a man I loved very much, we were both very ill. He had a drug and alcohol addiction on top of bi-polar disorder. Although he had these problems we had a bond that no one could break. I put him on a pedestal I now know why--it was because he had given me the courage to leave David. Chris although, having these problems could be the ultimately loving husband and father. He was great for Laura and I. Soon, came Zachary, who made our bond stronger. He was a great joy for Chris. Chris was there the whole pregnancy and very supportive to me. We became married and worked hard to make a life for our kids. Gregory came along almost three years into our marriage and we had started growing apart by this time.
I think our love by this time we knew was fading due to our illnesses. See two bi-polars have a hard time getting through the rough spots together. I went through major withdrawals from reality when I realized it was over between Chris and I. I wanted to hate him but caught myself taking up for him when my friend would say bad things about him. I later after our divorce found out he had been with all my friends who would have him and had been unfaithful to me all the time we were together. I didn't care because he had given me two wonderful boys whom I love very much. I am very proud of these two boys and would have never been able to come back to reality without them and Laura my daughter.
Okay, this is where it gets rough,
I am bi-polar not knowing what that meant exactly. My daughter was diagnosed with ADHD and later on bi-polar. We were very much affected by this disorder because it kept us from bonding as she grew up. The older she got the worse it got. I loved her but couldn't show her.
My son Zachary, diagnosed as ADHD, was a very difficult child to deal with and on top of my very serious depression and manic episodes it was even unbearable. He and I always had this bond that was very strong. When he was a pre-teen we ended up putting him in states custody because he refused to go to school. I wasn't strong enough to get him to go and force him to listen to me. Even with the hard ball attitude of Zachary I think I was more attached to him, maybe because I was the one who took care of him with support of course but, Laura had moved in with my parents for the most part as a young child.
This was a wake up call for me. I had been through alot of serious medication concoctions and by drugs such as Thorazine and haladol. I was raising my kids on this. Or, were they raising me?
My son Gregory, was a quiet child and always showed signs of a social disorder. We found out later that he after being labeled "mentally retarded" was in fact suffering from Asburgers. This is a disorder which makes it almost impossible to socialize with others. He has a learning disability and he improves these unfortunate problems everyday. He is more sociable now than ever before and he is working on his reading skills which he knows are bad and is very embarrassed because of it. I know that my son will grow and learn and eventually get what he wants out of life. He has grow so much and I am proud of my "little 6'3 man.
It is hard having a family with serious mental illnesses all attacking each other all the time. We have our moments even to the present but, we are still there for each other. My boys are almost grown now. Laura has her own family, which is following the same path as ours to a certain degree. Her two children and her live with my mother, the strong woman who kept me alive all these years, while her husband also, suffering with mental illness lives in another city for reasons I care not to go into. The cycle seems to never break though I have tried. I think it has been bent alot but it is still hard for our family to maintain a loving relationship.
Zachary has never shown signs of mental illness although he had ADHD as a child he has outgrown the symptoms. He is going into the Army now and I am very proud of him. I am proud of all my children because they have been through alot with me and suffer from their own problems too. They are strong and fighting their disorder with all they have because I refuse to let them give up on themselves. I encourage them to stay focused and learn from their mistakes. I have been so angry at each of them on several occasions but they are my babies even though they are grown and I love them unconditionally.
I have since found a man that is so good to me that fulfills all my needs and gives me the encouragement I need. He loves my kids and grandchildren. He is devoted to me and he also suffers with a mental illness. Even though we both have a mental illness, it is where we are, in recovery, that helps make our relationship the best thing I have ever had in my life.
Living with a bi-polar family can work. The normal problems can be magnified somewhat but if you learn to adjust to the problems, usually there isn't a time when everyone is on the same cycle. This means that we can manage by helping each other through techniques we have learned by educating ourselves about our illnesses and working together. The shame in being mentally ill is going away in our family. I am striving to teach my children there is no shame in this. I know that God will guide my family and we will succeed as a united family just as "normal" as the next one.
God Bless you and I hope your family can heal like mine is.
Vanessa
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