FEELING AGAIN

Living in the past has been my life for a very long time. I have felt very sorry for myself which only added to my termoil.

Being an outcast in school and at home I felt basically the same way, I closed myself off to keep from hurting so bad. Things seemed to be easier that way.

When I was twelve years old I lost my grandfather who at the time was my whole world. I looked up to him because he treated me like a princess. When he died I floated into a world of my own which eventually lead me to confinning myself to my room and pretending that I had all these friends who surrounded me a basically worshiped the ground I walked on. I had those imaginary friends for a long time. These people were my world. I closed my family out mentally and physically.

Life for me was so mondain and I worthlessly trudged through my teens. I had a dream of being somone important but was scared to try to be that person.

I had alot of teenage ups and downs. Mostly downs, I barely graduated form high school because I was picked on at school and laughed at because of my size and introverted personality. I felt so alone. I did have a couple friends and still remain close to one, Lisa. Together we got into alot of mischief that seemed to send us in two different directions. Permiscouasly I trudged through two divorces which i suffered alot of abuse. Abuse to me was attention whether it was bad or good that attention kept me going.

One day I woke up inside myself I was alive wanting to be that person I had dreamed of so long ago. I couldn't get out of this body that had developed into a 420 lb disqusting mess. I was so alone and sufficating through this nightmare.

I had started therapy and was involved in the mental health program that was available to me. I didn't use it to my advantage because I was ashamed to be in the mess I was in. I was out of control and scared to death of myself.

I found out that I was a mother of three wonderful children which I have very vauge memories of their little lives. I knew I loved them and they were my reason for being alive but I couldn't fully love them because I was disgusted with me and hated myself.

I knew from learning alot through therapy but mostly from a dear friend who happened to be my mother-in-law. She told me I was worth something, that I was more than a mother, I had a purpose for myself. I learned I had to fight for that person inside of me. I had to get out!

With gastric by-pass surgery and alot of prayers from my church family, support from everyone around me I climbed out of that body for the first time in my life. I became an individual! I loved myself. Not in a vain way but honestly loved being me. I could reach for recovery not only physically but mentally and spitritually. God is the one who gave me life and he brought me out of this tunnel I had burried myself in 30 yrs. earlier.

I started planning and reaching out for a future not wanting to die anymore. I was able to love my children wholeheartedly. I could recovery from a long wounded life of self mutilation.
It has taken me about 13 yrs. to accomplish this plan and I still have a long way to go. I, starting at 44 yrs. old to make a life for me I should have had at 20 is hard. I no that with prayer and strength from God above, I will make it through the rest of my life happy to be a part of his wonderful awsome plan.

I hope this isn't too deep. I express these thoughts to hopefully help someone reachout for recovery before going through this long painful life of nothingness.

Simply, Vanessa Hansen