When I feel that change is coming on I really get scared. I have to really think about how it will benefit me and still feel out of control.
I think the reason is because of how long I have been closed off from the world. I feel really worried about how I will do and if I can follow through without failure.
I know that failure builds strength but when you have been where I have it can also put you back into a world that is scary, withdrawn, and down right impossible to live through.
I have seen alot of people who want and then reach for the stars to get it. I have always wanted to be one of those people. They tell me that they were terrified too and that is how they made it to where they are. I don't see it! I don't know how they can get where they are in a state of terror. I feel that terror everytime change comes my way. I have succeeded in alot of situations. I have made some great strides in my life. Somewhere along the way I always get shot down.
I have great kids and that was a success for me. They actually are one of my strengths. I know that if I depend on them to make me happy I will always live in their wings and that is wrong. For me as well as my children, I need to be happy for myself. I have learned this for the first time in my life and struggle so much to keep that happiness strong day by day. I think it makes my children feel much better because they don't have to make me happy all the time.
Fear is strong in my heart not only because of fearing failure but because my life was pulled out from under me at such a young age. I never related to my family again after my trama. I think I was alone from the day I felt my illness set in. No one understood me or what I wanted in life. I know that they wanted to understand but didn't know how.
When I face change it brings back all the struggles I have been through to get where I am today. I have came a long way but still fear my next step in life.
Challenges become strong in my heart. I want to be the things I dream about. I want to become who I need to be. When I think I am almost there things change and I feel all alone in a battle to be myself. Changing to myself instead of being this victim of circumstances is a feat that is hard for me. I know it sounds really hard to understand but life is different for me. I suffered for so long then, out of the blue I see a way to become the person I want to be. That scares me to death. I know I can succeed but I have this inner voice telling me that I can't because I have a mental illness and no one is going to take me serious.
When these voices start coming out I think it is God speaking to me somtimes. Telling me that it isn't going to work for me because of all the bad things I have done in my life. I know that is not true deep down but I become afraid of failure and not being accepted.
I am a very intelligent person who suffers from a mental illness not a person who is mentally ill. I am a person not my illness. This is what I know to be true. Change in my personal views of mental illness have helped me come to terms with this for myself. I dealt in the past with people telling me to "snap out of it", "you don't need your medication", "don't listen to those doctors because all they want to do is drug you up", "you can't do anything because your mentally ill", "Psychiatrists are all quacks and just there to get your money", "all you are is a legal drug addict", and, "you are just lazy". I am so tired of hearing people put me down and this makes my fears even stronger when I reach for the stars myself. I am 45 yrs. old and no where in my life. I know I can be and that isn't the problem, the problem is, I am so scared of failure that it controls my inner being.
Change can only be for the better, right? Right! Change is the only way I can defeat this battle I have been loosing for all my life. Change is the way and I need to let go of this fear of change. I can do it! Right? Right! Prayer and guidence, not from these hollier than thou christians but from God above is the only way for me.
I can get to where I want but change has to take place in order to get there. I pray to you O God, please make the change easy and be with me through this process.
Amen.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Regrets
There are alot of things in life that you regret. Things happen for a reason I've always heard. I think that my life has been full of regrets due to my own thoughts of not feeling inadequate. I have been through alot of self destructive behaviors that I don't care to go into now. The thing that stands out to me is that I regret alot more than I care to remember. I think my most important regret goes without saying but I will anyway. I regret my part in making things so hard on my children. I think they have been my biggest blessing and I have not given them the proper respect as a mother.
Though you might say I had reasons for my kids suffering that were out of my control. Yeah they were out of control but not out of my control. I could have forced my family to accept my mental illness and forced them to know what was going on with me. I could have changed their minds into just what ever I thought they should. NOT!! The fact that I delt with these hardships alone was due to mental health ignorance as well as stupidity on their part.
Even staff of mental health programs have a hard time understanding and supporting individuals with our physical illnesses. I have a hard time especially with these guys because they are the ones you would expect to understand the most. But they are not!!
I deal with friends on a regular basis who have mental illnesses too! They all tell me they feel no one but me understands their pain. I try to refer them to Mental health staff who have been trained in this field but they all come back and say they don't understand me. I think they are "right on" even though I try to make myself believe to the contrary for their sakes. I think they all need to be able to trust in their health professionals but it is looking more and more bleak everyday.
It looks like with the more knowledge about the illness the better understanding of the needs of the patient... this is farther from the truth than you will ever know. I was shocked at how many people in the mental health field think they can fix us and not be our friends. They can stand back like we are "diseased" and let us think they are there for our own good. I think these people are in worse shape mentally than you and I. I can remember thinking no one cared at one point. Then, meeting someone who did care and starting to grow. Then, at the same time, I have met so many others who put on a show only to make a paycheck. You can tell who really cares and who doesn't. That is what the difference is between mental health professionals and mental health success mongers. Yeah you can make alot of money as a psycho doc or a social worker if you know what your doing, unfortunatly, if you can live with yourself this is probably the best job for you. However, if you truely care about people and want to make a difference it probably isn't the right field for you because you have to fight your colleegues the whole way because they normally don't give a "rats ass" about us. They say, "I am not in this for the money" that may be true in a way but, they are really in this to "Fix" us. They want to be the one to finally break through and show us the err of our ways. They want to make a name for themselves and move on with their own lives. Some just want to make us feel as if they care and they really don't. We are not stupid and when are they gonna realize this?
I am so tired of hearing I am hear for you and they really aren't. That is my biggest problem with some of these programs of late. Then, there are some of them who feel they have made their contribution and it is time for them to seek their rewards at all costs. I don't want any ones self pity, so I will say to those who really care, and, you know who you are, thank you and God Bless you always; For those of you who don't care and are so fake it shines through on a daily basis, you will pay one of these days for messing with the minds of those who really need you. Oh and you know who you are too if you can be truthful with your own self.
You can take all the book knowledge in the world and not get anywhere close to the real truth until you have been there yourself. Just as if you weren't self centered and tried to make others think you are you can't be self centered and not expect others to see through it.
I guess what I am trying to say is that mental health professionals fall into two groups. Those who care and can't do anything for you because they are blocked at every corner. Then, those you are told care but you know they don't because they won't do anything except "kiss ass"!
I know some will say I am having a manic moment but if that is what it is then good, I needed to get this off my mind. You are only as good as your word and I guess I am just as good as anyone else.
I will close by saying that to those who suffer from mental illness there are some who care and some who don't. You have to decipher this for yourself. I think you are right on if you feel that someone is out for themselves and not being honestly caring in this field. I hope that there are more out there who do than don't. My experience as of late is there isn't. God Bless and goodnight.
Though you might say I had reasons for my kids suffering that were out of my control. Yeah they were out of control but not out of my control. I could have forced my family to accept my mental illness and forced them to know what was going on with me. I could have changed their minds into just what ever I thought they should. NOT!! The fact that I delt with these hardships alone was due to mental health ignorance as well as stupidity on their part.
Even staff of mental health programs have a hard time understanding and supporting individuals with our physical illnesses. I have a hard time especially with these guys because they are the ones you would expect to understand the most. But they are not!!
I deal with friends on a regular basis who have mental illnesses too! They all tell me they feel no one but me understands their pain. I try to refer them to Mental health staff who have been trained in this field but they all come back and say they don't understand me. I think they are "right on" even though I try to make myself believe to the contrary for their sakes. I think they all need to be able to trust in their health professionals but it is looking more and more bleak everyday.
It looks like with the more knowledge about the illness the better understanding of the needs of the patient... this is farther from the truth than you will ever know. I was shocked at how many people in the mental health field think they can fix us and not be our friends. They can stand back like we are "diseased" and let us think they are there for our own good. I think these people are in worse shape mentally than you and I. I can remember thinking no one cared at one point. Then, meeting someone who did care and starting to grow. Then, at the same time, I have met so many others who put on a show only to make a paycheck. You can tell who really cares and who doesn't. That is what the difference is between mental health professionals and mental health success mongers. Yeah you can make alot of money as a psycho doc or a social worker if you know what your doing, unfortunatly, if you can live with yourself this is probably the best job for you. However, if you truely care about people and want to make a difference it probably isn't the right field for you because you have to fight your colleegues the whole way because they normally don't give a "rats ass" about us. They say, "I am not in this for the money" that may be true in a way but, they are really in this to "Fix" us. They want to be the one to finally break through and show us the err of our ways. They want to make a name for themselves and move on with their own lives. Some just want to make us feel as if they care and they really don't. We are not stupid and when are they gonna realize this?
I am so tired of hearing I am hear for you and they really aren't. That is my biggest problem with some of these programs of late. Then, there are some of them who feel they have made their contribution and it is time for them to seek their rewards at all costs. I don't want any ones self pity, so I will say to those who really care, and, you know who you are, thank you and God Bless you always; For those of you who don't care and are so fake it shines through on a daily basis, you will pay one of these days for messing with the minds of those who really need you. Oh and you know who you are too if you can be truthful with your own self.
You can take all the book knowledge in the world and not get anywhere close to the real truth until you have been there yourself. Just as if you weren't self centered and tried to make others think you are you can't be self centered and not expect others to see through it.
I guess what I am trying to say is that mental health professionals fall into two groups. Those who care and can't do anything for you because they are blocked at every corner. Then, those you are told care but you know they don't because they won't do anything except "kiss ass"!
I know some will say I am having a manic moment but if that is what it is then good, I needed to get this off my mind. You are only as good as your word and I guess I am just as good as anyone else.
I will close by saying that to those who suffer from mental illness there are some who care and some who don't. You have to decipher this for yourself. I think you are right on if you feel that someone is out for themselves and not being honestly caring in this field. I hope that there are more out there who do than don't. My experience as of late is there isn't. God Bless and goodnight.
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