Trusting others and their motives

After I became well enough to see things for myself, I started questioning my own opinions and choices. I also, questioned those who were around me and their motives because of being taken advantage of while I was very ill.

It is sad when trust in someone you love or have thought you trusted all your life turns out to be an issue for you. For years, I put my faith in my love and guidance of family members and now because of my experiences I didn't even trust them. Most of which had or have never given me a reason to distrust them in any way but, for some reason I didn't feel secure. I still have a hard time some days but have trained myself to override those fears. When I get to feeling these thoughts in my head I remind myself of the fact that they are family and friends and have been there for my whole life. I also, tell myself that they were unable to reach out to me and help me with my issues because of ignorance to the subject at hand. Mental illness back then was not a very well researched subject in the area we live in, especially.

I know that they didn't know how to handle my outbursts or the misunderstandings that caused ciaos in our lives.

I know these things played a major role in their actions and words that seemed to cut me like a knife at the time. We have never been able to get completely at ease until recent years of healing.

I really have to take these thoughts into consideration when, I have bad days or have thoughts of being inferior which happens a lot.

Healing came from learning to love me. I had to learn to trust that I was okay and that I was worth something before I could become able to do this. Years of self destruction lead me through trials that a lot of others only read about in the papers. I however, taught myself, to go on. I had mentors in my life that helped me through these times. As time went on my parents became my biggest and main support. They were there and always worked overtime to keep me from falling farther than I did. I thank God for them and all that they did and do for me.

Trust is learned and grows over a period of time. I first loved myself and then I could love others enough to care to trust them. There was a time I didn't care if anyone cared for me or not. I wanted to be in my own little private existence and erase the rest of the world. I wanted to die at times and also, wanted to forget that I had to include others in my life on an adult level. I lost a lot of years due to medication changes and overdoses which made it impossible for me to function. I can't blame anyone for these days but, i do have to learn to trust even my family concerning the fact that they were able or couldn't do anything to stop the process.

These things I have healed from and the trust is growing each day.

Love to my family whom I keep close to my heart and love very much even though for years I could not show them in the right way.

nessa