For years, I felt I should be ashamed of who I was or even embarrassed of the fact that I had a brain dysfunction. Quite like some have a dysfunction of the liver or heart. I simply have to take medication to control the flow of the cerebral fluid that flows in my brain. Unlike most people, I had people in my life who helped me to understand and learn to overcome it at a different level than others. But, however, with even their help, it took years to learn that I was okay and able to be acceptable to society as a person.
A lot of people think we don't have any idea that they are really not even believing in our recovery, they don't want us to recover and don't really believe we can. It is hype that they spread to make their program stand out. I know one program that does and I seen it in Knoxville. I am really glad I got to go there for classes in Oct. I see the difference in the way things are run there and the compassion that they have for the members. They reach out to them and show them they care. I seen a different side here in our area which I had faith in until I went down to Knox and then returned to be greeted with such an unwelcome feeling be some of the staff at the center I went to here. It was like they were afraid I was back to start program again. I don't know what the deal was but that kind arua wasn't present at the center in Knoxville. They all shared a common bond and you could tell that the staff always welcomed the members at anytime during the day for any reason. That is what these guys have been wanting up here and I didn't know what to tell them. I guess it is just the way one company is run compared to another.
I just wish the staff here would remember we are not gonna rub off on the and they are not gonna catch mental illness because they give you a hug. That is the way it felt for the last year or so. I don't attend there anymore and maybe I should keep my mouth shut but I don't think so. I heard it from so many of the consumers on a daily basis. They came to me instead of staff, that tells you there the difference.
A lot of the world would like to just shut us off from the rest of the world and pretend we are not alive, or that we are helpless and not important enough to have opinions or rights as human beings such as themselves.
A lot, of the world think that we are just as well to be medicated to a point of a "zombie state" and hospitalized to keep us from speaking out for ourselves. You see, we shouldn't be able to hold down a job, or work anywhere except maybe pushing buggies or bagging groceries. That isn't to say those aren't respectable jobs cause they are but, there are other jobs we qualify for also. We are not just puppets you can lead on a string. One minute you tell us we are lazy and don't want to work and then you put us down because we don't want to work a job that isn't up to our level. I don't think that any one of you that are in the cooperate field or even at the mental health programs in the area see us as potential candidates to go to work anywhere. I think you are just humoring us and trying to make us feel that we can but we won't.
Well, I will and I can, I have wanted nothing else but to go back to work since I had to leave work 17yrs. ago due to my illness. I, on medication levels that would stop anyone from functioning, couldn't get it together. I know that at one time I needed the assistance to bring me out of the manic state. Since that time I have worked hard at learning new skills to help myself mentally with out tons of medications and taking as low of a dose of meds as possible I am level now to the point that I feel I can confidently work on becoming a normal member of society. See, I never got that chance, that chance to be a normal member of society.
The main topic here is that even the ones who treat us for our mental illness think we are not able to be fully associated with the outside world. In public they won't speak to us they call it "creating boundaries between patients and employees" that is a polite way of saying they don't want to have anything to do with us on a friendship basis. I think it is sad that they teach one thing and then practice another. Frontier Health policy I guess. what ever!!! I am through with the system and the way they treat us as germs... I had so many of the people I went to program with come to me and tell me that was the way they felt and I know now that that is definitely true.
I would make a great employee for the frontier health peer support program and do a great job being a mentor to those around me who need that extra guidance to help them through but, I won't consider working somewhere where I have to keep my distance from people to the point where they know I don't mean what I tell them when I say that I am there for them and I care. I can't lie to people like that. That is not what I learned as a peer support specialist and I as a peer can't do it to another consumer.
The craziness started in me at a very young age and never stopped until I reached out for help on my own in 1989. At age 26. I was over thirty before I learned that I was worth something. You know, I was told that by others in my life plenty of times but, I had to believe it in myself. I had to learn that I was okay and I wasn't to blame, I had no shame and I was gonna be alright.
A lot of people helped me through this but I helped myself the most. I had family support through two divorces that should have killed me. I had my children who kept me alive inside and out. They never gave up on mom even when Mom gave up on herself.
One day, I woke up in a group of people who had the same type of illnesses I had and realized we all had a reason for being someone. I had a reason and so did they. They helped me realize I had to learn to love me first before anymore healing could happen. I could take classes read books, watch videos and learn, learn, and learn. The only way these things were gonna help me is to learn first that I am worth something and important enough to work on and heal.
There is only one way that I could come up with and that was to start by repeating to myself in the mirror over and over I am okay. That sounds silly but it is how I started. I had heard that in one of the self help books I had read and it worked. Then, I added I am worth something, then I like myself, that was hard!!!. then, eventually, I love me! Yeah, I love me! after 40 yrs. of turmoil amongst my own demons that ate away at me day and night, I learned that I was in love with ME!!!
That is when, I started to love others with a new attitude and my kids got the love they had been waiting on for over 20 yrs. I woke up a mother of three beautiful children and a also a happy life. I wish my dad could have seen me be happy, he always wanted that for me.
I am now seeing a wonderful man who is so good to me and my kids and treats me like i should be treated. He doesn't hit me, cheat on me, drink, take drugs you could say he is kinda boring I guess. But, I love him and he isn't boring to me. We have a great relationship and I am happy!
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