As I sit here this morning. I thank God for being here. I have been through so much in my life and had given up so many times. But something, always brought me back... God has that power and has kept me here for a reason.
The mental health field has always been a mystery to me but still very real in my life. I plan to give back to the mental health field as I can. I have a very strong interest in helping others. This is apparently the place I can give the most to. I have come a long way in the past few years, I now have a future full of dreams and hopes for my future. Happiness is a real thing in my life now. I am on my way to better things even if I am 45 yrs. old this year I still can make a difference. Hopefully someone will hear my cry and realize recovery is there before they get to the age I am.
I have made it! Even though I waisted alot of years of possible happiness due to insecurity and fear of failure I am here now! I feel fear in a different aspect of my life. I look at the failures as experience not from college aspect but real life learned experiences. I can succeed and I will. Maybe not in the way someone else sees success but in my eyes I have received miracles beyond measure, I am a person full of hope!
God Bless everyone of you,
Nessa
Friday, June 26, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
COPING SKILLS
I think I should add a couple lines for those who are seeking help through therapy.
I went through alot of therapists when I was sick. I thought I ran them off with my
issues. I don't know why I just felt they thought I was a hopeless case.
When I was at my worst I was introduced to case management. I couldn't really get
anything done for myself. I was on the verge of loosing everything. My kids we taking
care of me. I thank God in Heaven for the next phase of my life.
I was introduced to a woman we will call Deloris. I think she was sent to me from heaven
above. Deloris was a case manager that was very straight with me. When I tried to
scare her off she didn't go anywhere. She would even come to my apartment and kick me
in the ass if I needed it. I needed it alot!
With her guidance I found that being honest with my doctor and her was essential in getting
better. I also, couldn't hide that fact that I wasn't taking my medication either. She always
knew. I think I got mad at her about every time we talked for a while. But, I listened to her
She became one of the best friends and mentors I have ever had. I thank her so much
for being there. I feel she was the very start of my recovery. Thank you Deloris
and God Bless You friend!!
There were others who were a big part of my recovery like my family and friends.
One other person stands out in the mental health field. She is a very dear friend too!
Her name is Kathy, she is a straight forward but loving understanding person. I think
two years ago when I lost my adopted son who drowned I would have been so crushed
that suicide was the only option. My son was blaming himself and I was grieving over three other people that i loved dearly. One of which was one of my best friends who died unexpectedly in a car accident. I had moved and had reiceved a new case manager he was almost as good as Deloris but I didn't get to know him very well before moving again.
He got me involved in the Victory Center. A Phsyco social rehabilitation center based on recovery. This is where I met Kathy.
I learned so much under this program. The way I did it was being honest with myself
and others so that it made getting better a smoother process. I had learned that lying about who I was to my doctor only took away from me. I was the only one it hurt. It wasted their time but they got paid well to waste their time.
Kathy and her honest nature full of respect and love but, still brutally honest helped me so much. I will always consider her a big part of my recovery. For that I thank her and consider her one of my mentors. God Bless you too Kathy!!
These people helped me but I helped myself by being honest with myself first and then insisting on being a part of my treatment program. Sharing my concerns and symtoms with my doctor instead of hiding them. Getting over the shame that I am who I am. Learning to love myself these are the things I have done for myself. These are the women who helped me see these things in myself.
Sincerely, Nessa
I went through alot of therapists when I was sick. I thought I ran them off with my
issues. I don't know why I just felt they thought I was a hopeless case.
When I was at my worst I was introduced to case management. I couldn't really get
anything done for myself. I was on the verge of loosing everything. My kids we taking
care of me. I thank God in Heaven for the next phase of my life.
I was introduced to a woman we will call Deloris. I think she was sent to me from heaven
above. Deloris was a case manager that was very straight with me. When I tried to
scare her off she didn't go anywhere. She would even come to my apartment and kick me
in the ass if I needed it. I needed it alot!
With her guidance I found that being honest with my doctor and her was essential in getting
better. I also, couldn't hide that fact that I wasn't taking my medication either. She always
knew. I think I got mad at her about every time we talked for a while. But, I listened to her
She became one of the best friends and mentors I have ever had. I thank her so much
for being there. I feel she was the very start of my recovery. Thank you Deloris
and God Bless You friend!!
There were others who were a big part of my recovery like my family and friends.
One other person stands out in the mental health field. She is a very dear friend too!
Her name is Kathy, she is a straight forward but loving understanding person. I think
two years ago when I lost my adopted son who drowned I would have been so crushed
that suicide was the only option. My son was blaming himself and I was grieving over three other people that i loved dearly. One of which was one of my best friends who died unexpectedly in a car accident. I had moved and had reiceved a new case manager he was almost as good as Deloris but I didn't get to know him very well before moving again.
He got me involved in the Victory Center. A Phsyco social rehabilitation center based on recovery. This is where I met Kathy.
I learned so much under this program. The way I did it was being honest with myself
and others so that it made getting better a smoother process. I had learned that lying about who I was to my doctor only took away from me. I was the only one it hurt. It wasted their time but they got paid well to waste their time.
Kathy and her honest nature full of respect and love but, still brutally honest helped me so much. I will always consider her a big part of my recovery. For that I thank her and consider her one of my mentors. God Bless you too Kathy!!
These people helped me but I helped myself by being honest with myself first and then insisting on being a part of my treatment program. Sharing my concerns and symtoms with my doctor instead of hiding them. Getting over the shame that I am who I am. Learning to love myself these are the things I have done for myself. These are the women who helped me see these things in myself.
Sincerely, Nessa
FEELING AGAIN
Living in the past has been my life for a very long time. I have felt very sorry for myself which only added to my termoil.
Being an outcast in school and at home I felt basically the same way, I closed myself off to keep from hurting so bad. Things seemed to be easier that way.
When I was twelve years old I lost my grandfather who at the time was my whole world. I looked up to him because he treated me like a princess. When he died I floated into a world of my own which eventually lead me to confinning myself to my room and pretending that I had all these friends who surrounded me a basically worshiped the ground I walked on. I had those imaginary friends for a long time. These people were my world. I closed my family out mentally and physically.
Life for me was so mondain and I worthlessly trudged through my teens. I had a dream of being somone important but was scared to try to be that person.
I had alot of teenage ups and downs. Mostly downs, I barely graduated form high school because I was picked on at school and laughed at because of my size and introverted personality. I felt so alone. I did have a couple friends and still remain close to one, Lisa. Together we got into alot of mischief that seemed to send us in two different directions. Permiscouasly I trudged through two divorces which i suffered alot of abuse. Abuse to me was attention whether it was bad or good that attention kept me going.
One day I woke up inside myself I was alive wanting to be that person I had dreamed of so long ago. I couldn't get out of this body that had developed into a 420 lb disqusting mess. I was so alone and sufficating through this nightmare.
I had started therapy and was involved in the mental health program that was available to me. I didn't use it to my advantage because I was ashamed to be in the mess I was in. I was out of control and scared to death of myself.
I found out that I was a mother of three wonderful children which I have very vauge memories of their little lives. I knew I loved them and they were my reason for being alive but I couldn't fully love them because I was disgusted with me and hated myself.
I knew from learning alot through therapy but mostly from a dear friend who happened to be my mother-in-law. She told me I was worth something, that I was more than a mother, I had a purpose for myself. I learned I had to fight for that person inside of me. I had to get out!
With gastric by-pass surgery and alot of prayers from my church family, support from everyone around me I climbed out of that body for the first time in my life. I became an individual! I loved myself. Not in a vain way but honestly loved being me. I could reach for recovery not only physically but mentally and spitritually. God is the one who gave me life and he brought me out of this tunnel I had burried myself in 30 yrs. earlier.
I started planning and reaching out for a future not wanting to die anymore. I was able to love my children wholeheartedly. I could recovery from a long wounded life of self mutilation.
It has taken me about 13 yrs. to accomplish this plan and I still have a long way to go. I, starting at 44 yrs. old to make a life for me I should have had at 20 is hard. I no that with prayer and strength from God above, I will make it through the rest of my life happy to be a part of his wonderful awsome plan.
I hope this isn't too deep. I express these thoughts to hopefully help someone reachout for recovery before going through this long painful life of nothingness.
Simply, Vanessa Hansen
Being an outcast in school and at home I felt basically the same way, I closed myself off to keep from hurting so bad. Things seemed to be easier that way.
When I was twelve years old I lost my grandfather who at the time was my whole world. I looked up to him because he treated me like a princess. When he died I floated into a world of my own which eventually lead me to confinning myself to my room and pretending that I had all these friends who surrounded me a basically worshiped the ground I walked on. I had those imaginary friends for a long time. These people were my world. I closed my family out mentally and physically.
Life for me was so mondain and I worthlessly trudged through my teens. I had a dream of being somone important but was scared to try to be that person.
I had alot of teenage ups and downs. Mostly downs, I barely graduated form high school because I was picked on at school and laughed at because of my size and introverted personality. I felt so alone. I did have a couple friends and still remain close to one, Lisa. Together we got into alot of mischief that seemed to send us in two different directions. Permiscouasly I trudged through two divorces which i suffered alot of abuse. Abuse to me was attention whether it was bad or good that attention kept me going.
One day I woke up inside myself I was alive wanting to be that person I had dreamed of so long ago. I couldn't get out of this body that had developed into a 420 lb disqusting mess. I was so alone and sufficating through this nightmare.
I had started therapy and was involved in the mental health program that was available to me. I didn't use it to my advantage because I was ashamed to be in the mess I was in. I was out of control and scared to death of myself.
I found out that I was a mother of three wonderful children which I have very vauge memories of their little lives. I knew I loved them and they were my reason for being alive but I couldn't fully love them because I was disgusted with me and hated myself.
I knew from learning alot through therapy but mostly from a dear friend who happened to be my mother-in-law. She told me I was worth something, that I was more than a mother, I had a purpose for myself. I learned I had to fight for that person inside of me. I had to get out!
With gastric by-pass surgery and alot of prayers from my church family, support from everyone around me I climbed out of that body for the first time in my life. I became an individual! I loved myself. Not in a vain way but honestly loved being me. I could reach for recovery not only physically but mentally and spitritually. God is the one who gave me life and he brought me out of this tunnel I had burried myself in 30 yrs. earlier.
I started planning and reaching out for a future not wanting to die anymore. I was able to love my children wholeheartedly. I could recovery from a long wounded life of self mutilation.
It has taken me about 13 yrs. to accomplish this plan and I still have a long way to go. I, starting at 44 yrs. old to make a life for me I should have had at 20 is hard. I no that with prayer and strength from God above, I will make it through the rest of my life happy to be a part of his wonderful awsome plan.
I hope this isn't too deep. I express these thoughts to hopefully help someone reachout for recovery before going through this long painful life of nothingness.
Simply, Vanessa Hansen
Monday, June 8, 2009
LIFE EXPEIENCES
There is a very good reason for life experiences, although, when facing them it seems like the end of the world.
There have been times when suicide seemed like the only way out for me. I thought my life wasn't worth it. My children all had serious issues with their progress in life and I felt like a failure as a mother.
I have a son with Asbutgers disease, I thought my bi-polar was bad enough so when this came apparent I lost it. I thought it was my fault and I could have changed the problem (IF) I had just done _____??? I didn't know what but something had to have been my fault.
For years this effected my progress which made more difficult on my children. My older two thought I loved Greg more because i seemed to give him more attention. I always thought that Laura (my oldest) and (Greg) my youngest would think I favored my son (Zack) more. Which, I never loved one of them any more than the other. It just was hard for me to be a mother from the very beginning. I wasn't able to share my love with others in the right way.
Different things have happened over the years that make me look back now, and see that if I hadn't been through these things i wouldn't be the unique person I am today.
I thank God for who I am, This is a new thought process for me. It took me about 40 years to come to like and love who I am. I hope that something I say to someone as I speak out might keep them from waiting and waisting so many years of life and enjoy their children more.
Life is way too short to take for granted. I always heard that but never really knew what it really meant until now.
Thanks for listening,
Sincerely,
Vanessa Hansen
There have been times when suicide seemed like the only way out for me. I thought my life wasn't worth it. My children all had serious issues with their progress in life and I felt like a failure as a mother.
I have a son with Asbutgers disease, I thought my bi-polar was bad enough so when this came apparent I lost it. I thought it was my fault and I could have changed the problem (IF) I had just done _____??? I didn't know what but something had to have been my fault.
For years this effected my progress which made more difficult on my children. My older two thought I loved Greg more because i seemed to give him more attention. I always thought that Laura (my oldest) and (Greg) my youngest would think I favored my son (Zack) more. Which, I never loved one of them any more than the other. It just was hard for me to be a mother from the very beginning. I wasn't able to share my love with others in the right way.
Different things have happened over the years that make me look back now, and see that if I hadn't been through these things i wouldn't be the unique person I am today.
I thank God for who I am, This is a new thought process for me. It took me about 40 years to come to like and love who I am. I hope that something I say to someone as I speak out might keep them from waiting and waisting so many years of life and enjoy their children more.
Life is way too short to take for granted. I always heard that but never really knew what it really meant until now.
Thanks for listening,
Sincerely,
Vanessa Hansen
Thursday, June 4, 2009
My Craziness by: Vanessa Hansen
I have always thought i was alone in the fight against my past and illness. I have found in the past two years that this is far from the truth. I really am not alone!! There are others who feel the same as me that recovery from a mental illness is possible.
Most people will run after this first paragraph, although, you are not alone. We are a growing, recovering population which have rights.
I am a new member of NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), I have had my eyes opened up real wide in the past few months to ideas and frankly a new way of life.
I have been given the opportunity to be trained in three different programs lately which helps me and helps me help others. This has become my focus after a long time of living a non-existant life. I didn't fit in anywhere or feel like I belonged anywhere. I have three kids which love me very much but I couldn't have a relationship with them. I couldn't maintain a loving relationship with anyone which was hard on my because I am a loving person.
Things got really bad about 20 years ago and I ended up having to seek treatment for a mental illness. I have bi-polar disorder. Have it! It doesn't have me any longer. Since seeking help 20 years ago I went through some servere times and transformations that were very hard. I made it through them which is a feat in itself if you have any idea what it is like to have a mental illness.
Mentally ill have a very high suicide rate because of lack of support, lack of understanding, education, research into the disorders, and no hope for a future, because everyone looks at them as second class citizens.
I want you to know that I found out when I became aware of my mental illness that I walked down the street with mentally ill persons on a daily basis and never knew it before.
We don't wear a tatoo on our foreheads or have a certain look about us. We are doctors, lawyers, policemen, presidents, business tycoons, actors and others professionals that you wouldn't expect us to be. I was totally blown away when I found out this was the world I lived in. I never knew that people with mental illness could even function. I have learned so much in the past few years!
I speak with IOOV and BRIDGES to educate others on the importance of support, education and awareness. I educate others on the fact that there is no shame in being one of the mentally ill. I try to express to the families of these individuals that there is no shame in acceptance of the reality and that they are not alone. Also, express to even my family still that it isn't their fault. They didn't do anything to make me that way.
I speak out not to embarrass myself or to become a freak of nature, but, to show others that recovery is possible and reachable. I speak out to express the need for the support of organizations such as: National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) and others who spend their valuable time making recovery an easier process for the families as well as the persons who suffer from the illnesses.
This is my cause and my life.
Nessa
Most people will run after this first paragraph, although, you are not alone. We are a growing, recovering population which have rights.
I am a new member of NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), I have had my eyes opened up real wide in the past few months to ideas and frankly a new way of life.
I have been given the opportunity to be trained in three different programs lately which helps me and helps me help others. This has become my focus after a long time of living a non-existant life. I didn't fit in anywhere or feel like I belonged anywhere. I have three kids which love me very much but I couldn't have a relationship with them. I couldn't maintain a loving relationship with anyone which was hard on my because I am a loving person.
Things got really bad about 20 years ago and I ended up having to seek treatment for a mental illness. I have bi-polar disorder. Have it! It doesn't have me any longer. Since seeking help 20 years ago I went through some servere times and transformations that were very hard. I made it through them which is a feat in itself if you have any idea what it is like to have a mental illness.
Mentally ill have a very high suicide rate because of lack of support, lack of understanding, education, research into the disorders, and no hope for a future, because everyone looks at them as second class citizens.
I want you to know that I found out when I became aware of my mental illness that I walked down the street with mentally ill persons on a daily basis and never knew it before.
We don't wear a tatoo on our foreheads or have a certain look about us. We are doctors, lawyers, policemen, presidents, business tycoons, actors and others professionals that you wouldn't expect us to be. I was totally blown away when I found out this was the world I lived in. I never knew that people with mental illness could even function. I have learned so much in the past few years!
I speak with IOOV and BRIDGES to educate others on the importance of support, education and awareness. I educate others on the fact that there is no shame in being one of the mentally ill. I try to express to the families of these individuals that there is no shame in acceptance of the reality and that they are not alone. Also, express to even my family still that it isn't their fault. They didn't do anything to make me that way.
I speak out not to embarrass myself or to become a freak of nature, but, to show others that recovery is possible and reachable. I speak out to express the need for the support of organizations such as: National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) and others who spend their valuable time making recovery an easier process for the families as well as the persons who suffer from the illnesses.
This is my cause and my life.
Nessa
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