When I feel that change is coming on I really get scared. I have to really think about how it will benefit me and still feel out of control.
I think the reason is because of how long I have been closed off from the world. I feel really worried about how I will do and if I can follow through without failure.
I know that failure builds strength but when you have been where I have it can also put you back into a world that is scary, withdrawn, and down right impossible to live through.
I have seen alot of people who want and then reach for the stars to get it. I have always wanted to be one of those people. They tell me that they were terrified too and that is how they made it to where they are. I don't see it! I don't know how they can get where they are in a state of terror. I feel that terror everytime change comes my way. I have succeeded in alot of situations. I have made some great strides in my life. Somewhere along the way I always get shot down.
I have great kids and that was a success for me. They actually are one of my strengths. I know that if I depend on them to make me happy I will always live in their wings and that is wrong. For me as well as my children, I need to be happy for myself. I have learned this for the first time in my life and struggle so much to keep that happiness strong day by day. I think it makes my children feel much better because they don't have to make me happy all the time.
Fear is strong in my heart not only because of fearing failure but because my life was pulled out from under me at such a young age. I never related to my family again after my trama. I think I was alone from the day I felt my illness set in. No one understood me or what I wanted in life. I know that they wanted to understand but didn't know how.
When I face change it brings back all the struggles I have been through to get where I am today. I have came a long way but still fear my next step in life.
Challenges become strong in my heart. I want to be the things I dream about. I want to become who I need to be. When I think I am almost there things change and I feel all alone in a battle to be myself. Changing to myself instead of being this victim of circumstances is a feat that is hard for me. I know it sounds really hard to understand but life is different for me. I suffered for so long then, out of the blue I see a way to become the person I want to be. That scares me to death. I know I can succeed but I have this inner voice telling me that I can't because I have a mental illness and no one is going to take me serious.
When these voices start coming out I think it is God speaking to me somtimes. Telling me that it isn't going to work for me because of all the bad things I have done in my life. I know that is not true deep down but I become afraid of failure and not being accepted.
I am a very intelligent person who suffers from a mental illness not a person who is mentally ill. I am a person not my illness. This is what I know to be true. Change in my personal views of mental illness have helped me come to terms with this for myself. I dealt in the past with people telling me to "snap out of it", "you don't need your medication", "don't listen to those doctors because all they want to do is drug you up", "you can't do anything because your mentally ill", "Psychiatrists are all quacks and just there to get your money", "all you are is a legal drug addict", and, "you are just lazy". I am so tired of hearing people put me down and this makes my fears even stronger when I reach for the stars myself. I am 45 yrs. old and no where in my life. I know I can be and that isn't the problem, the problem is, I am so scared of failure that it controls my inner being.
Change can only be for the better, right? Right! Change is the only way I can defeat this battle I have been loosing for all my life. Change is the way and I need to let go of this fear of change. I can do it! Right? Right! Prayer and guidence, not from these hollier than thou christians but from God above is the only way for me.
I can get to where I want but change has to take place in order to get there. I pray to you O God, please make the change easy and be with me through this process.
Amen.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Regrets
There are alot of things in life that you regret. Things happen for a reason I've always heard. I think that my life has been full of regrets due to my own thoughts of not feeling inadequate. I have been through alot of self destructive behaviors that I don't care to go into now. The thing that stands out to me is that I regret alot more than I care to remember. I think my most important regret goes without saying but I will anyway. I regret my part in making things so hard on my children. I think they have been my biggest blessing and I have not given them the proper respect as a mother.
Though you might say I had reasons for my kids suffering that were out of my control. Yeah they were out of control but not out of my control. I could have forced my family to accept my mental illness and forced them to know what was going on with me. I could have changed their minds into just what ever I thought they should. NOT!! The fact that I delt with these hardships alone was due to mental health ignorance as well as stupidity on their part.
Even staff of mental health programs have a hard time understanding and supporting individuals with our physical illnesses. I have a hard time especially with these guys because they are the ones you would expect to understand the most. But they are not!!
I deal with friends on a regular basis who have mental illnesses too! They all tell me they feel no one but me understands their pain. I try to refer them to Mental health staff who have been trained in this field but they all come back and say they don't understand me. I think they are "right on" even though I try to make myself believe to the contrary for their sakes. I think they all need to be able to trust in their health professionals but it is looking more and more bleak everyday.
It looks like with the more knowledge about the illness the better understanding of the needs of the patient... this is farther from the truth than you will ever know. I was shocked at how many people in the mental health field think they can fix us and not be our friends. They can stand back like we are "diseased" and let us think they are there for our own good. I think these people are in worse shape mentally than you and I. I can remember thinking no one cared at one point. Then, meeting someone who did care and starting to grow. Then, at the same time, I have met so many others who put on a show only to make a paycheck. You can tell who really cares and who doesn't. That is what the difference is between mental health professionals and mental health success mongers. Yeah you can make alot of money as a psycho doc or a social worker if you know what your doing, unfortunatly, if you can live with yourself this is probably the best job for you. However, if you truely care about people and want to make a difference it probably isn't the right field for you because you have to fight your colleegues the whole way because they normally don't give a "rats ass" about us. They say, "I am not in this for the money" that may be true in a way but, they are really in this to "Fix" us. They want to be the one to finally break through and show us the err of our ways. They want to make a name for themselves and move on with their own lives. Some just want to make us feel as if they care and they really don't. We are not stupid and when are they gonna realize this?
I am so tired of hearing I am hear for you and they really aren't. That is my biggest problem with some of these programs of late. Then, there are some of them who feel they have made their contribution and it is time for them to seek their rewards at all costs. I don't want any ones self pity, so I will say to those who really care, and, you know who you are, thank you and God Bless you always; For those of you who don't care and are so fake it shines through on a daily basis, you will pay one of these days for messing with the minds of those who really need you. Oh and you know who you are too if you can be truthful with your own self.
You can take all the book knowledge in the world and not get anywhere close to the real truth until you have been there yourself. Just as if you weren't self centered and tried to make others think you are you can't be self centered and not expect others to see through it.
I guess what I am trying to say is that mental health professionals fall into two groups. Those who care and can't do anything for you because they are blocked at every corner. Then, those you are told care but you know they don't because they won't do anything except "kiss ass"!
I know some will say I am having a manic moment but if that is what it is then good, I needed to get this off my mind. You are only as good as your word and I guess I am just as good as anyone else.
I will close by saying that to those who suffer from mental illness there are some who care and some who don't. You have to decipher this for yourself. I think you are right on if you feel that someone is out for themselves and not being honestly caring in this field. I hope that there are more out there who do than don't. My experience as of late is there isn't. God Bless and goodnight.
Though you might say I had reasons for my kids suffering that were out of my control. Yeah they were out of control but not out of my control. I could have forced my family to accept my mental illness and forced them to know what was going on with me. I could have changed their minds into just what ever I thought they should. NOT!! The fact that I delt with these hardships alone was due to mental health ignorance as well as stupidity on their part.
Even staff of mental health programs have a hard time understanding and supporting individuals with our physical illnesses. I have a hard time especially with these guys because they are the ones you would expect to understand the most. But they are not!!
I deal with friends on a regular basis who have mental illnesses too! They all tell me they feel no one but me understands their pain. I try to refer them to Mental health staff who have been trained in this field but they all come back and say they don't understand me. I think they are "right on" even though I try to make myself believe to the contrary for their sakes. I think they all need to be able to trust in their health professionals but it is looking more and more bleak everyday.
It looks like with the more knowledge about the illness the better understanding of the needs of the patient... this is farther from the truth than you will ever know. I was shocked at how many people in the mental health field think they can fix us and not be our friends. They can stand back like we are "diseased" and let us think they are there for our own good. I think these people are in worse shape mentally than you and I. I can remember thinking no one cared at one point. Then, meeting someone who did care and starting to grow. Then, at the same time, I have met so many others who put on a show only to make a paycheck. You can tell who really cares and who doesn't. That is what the difference is between mental health professionals and mental health success mongers. Yeah you can make alot of money as a psycho doc or a social worker if you know what your doing, unfortunatly, if you can live with yourself this is probably the best job for you. However, if you truely care about people and want to make a difference it probably isn't the right field for you because you have to fight your colleegues the whole way because they normally don't give a "rats ass" about us. They say, "I am not in this for the money" that may be true in a way but, they are really in this to "Fix" us. They want to be the one to finally break through and show us the err of our ways. They want to make a name for themselves and move on with their own lives. Some just want to make us feel as if they care and they really don't. We are not stupid and when are they gonna realize this?
I am so tired of hearing I am hear for you and they really aren't. That is my biggest problem with some of these programs of late. Then, there are some of them who feel they have made their contribution and it is time for them to seek their rewards at all costs. I don't want any ones self pity, so I will say to those who really care, and, you know who you are, thank you and God Bless you always; For those of you who don't care and are so fake it shines through on a daily basis, you will pay one of these days for messing with the minds of those who really need you. Oh and you know who you are too if you can be truthful with your own self.
You can take all the book knowledge in the world and not get anywhere close to the real truth until you have been there yourself. Just as if you weren't self centered and tried to make others think you are you can't be self centered and not expect others to see through it.
I guess what I am trying to say is that mental health professionals fall into two groups. Those who care and can't do anything for you because they are blocked at every corner. Then, those you are told care but you know they don't because they won't do anything except "kiss ass"!
I know some will say I am having a manic moment but if that is what it is then good, I needed to get this off my mind. You are only as good as your word and I guess I am just as good as anyone else.
I will close by saying that to those who suffer from mental illness there are some who care and some who don't. You have to decipher this for yourself. I think you are right on if you feel that someone is out for themselves and not being honestly caring in this field. I hope that there are more out there who do than don't. My experience as of late is there isn't. God Bless and goodnight.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
GIVING BACK TO GOD
I am giving God control and know that he will always lead and protect myself and my children. I am sure of this His Will is done always. I think that my dreams are so wild and crazy sometimes but, dreams are necessary for stability. They almost always require work and that is how God knows we are dedicated to reaching such goals. I have always had trouble believing in myself but God has always believed in me. It is time to give back and receive his blessings for my efforts. I believe God is proud of my accomplishments thus far. Not always proud of the way I got here but still proud. I am accomplishing things I could have reached years ago but, I didn't believe I deserved to be alive much less have a purpose. I believe that in working on my recovery, reaching out to others to show them they can recover too. He is with me always and until the day I die I will try to serve him by helping others.
One way I serve him is to help others. My bi-polar darkness has a story of recovery and hope for the future. I believe God is with me each time I present myself to others. I believe that God speaks through me and I pray each time that I may make a difference in peoples lives,that they believe in themselves (maybe) for the first time and then, strive for recovery. I pray that I don't say anything that will be destructive in that process.
Today I give my son to the US Army, I gave my son back to God to protect long ago. He has covered him in his bosom and keeps protecting him for he is God's child. I will remember this and be proud of my son, worried yeah, but sure of one thing that God will take him in his time. I can't control that. Zach wants to be a soldier and has wanted to since I can remember. I know he will give it all hes got and I am proud to give my son to his dreams. God I am giving him back to you to protect and watch over each time he breaths a breath of air.
This should have put me in the hospital right? No! Recovery is a dream I have reached for through the strength of God. I am giving back to God by helping others strive for that goal they dream of. I pray that I can make a difference in Gods will.
God bless you all!
Nessa
One way I serve him is to help others. My bi-polar darkness has a story of recovery and hope for the future. I believe God is with me each time I present myself to others. I believe that God speaks through me and I pray each time that I may make a difference in peoples lives,that they believe in themselves (maybe) for the first time and then, strive for recovery. I pray that I don't say anything that will be destructive in that process.
Today I give my son to the US Army, I gave my son back to God to protect long ago. He has covered him in his bosom and keeps protecting him for he is God's child. I will remember this and be proud of my son, worried yeah, but sure of one thing that God will take him in his time. I can't control that. Zach wants to be a soldier and has wanted to since I can remember. I know he will give it all hes got and I am proud to give my son to his dreams. God I am giving him back to you to protect and watch over each time he breaths a breath of air.
This should have put me in the hospital right? No! Recovery is a dream I have reached for through the strength of God. I am giving back to God by helping others strive for that goal they dream of. I pray that I can make a difference in Gods will.
God bless you all!
Nessa
Monday, August 24, 2009
CONTROL
Though I lived inside myself for a long period of my life, I feel that recovery has taken over. I have searched out the things that keep me alive and I now focus on them. I have learned that my children are as important to me as anything could be on this earth. I have got close to my daughter in such a different way than before. I have reached place in my life that I can grow with my son to a place of recovery in our lives. We have bonded even stronger than anytime in my life. I was so engrossed in feeling sorry for myself and afraid to live for myself that it made it hard for me to be a good mother.
I have been so closed off inside my own shell that it has been impossible to make it through this life. The feeling of being all alone and so afraid of my own existence which tainted my relationship with my children and everyone around me. I latched onto certain people who kept my life in turmoil constantly. When I finally found a person who could help me in a healing way I was almost 30 yrs. old. I latched on to that person with all my life and searched for that peace that was slow to come. My ex-husbands mother was instrumental in leading me to a point of consciousness. I made the move on my own but, she helped me see that I deserve to be happy.
After a long unhealthy relationship to my ex-husband, I let go of the idea that he and I were meant to be together. Our relationship had been a destructive poisonous personal existence. The most joyous part of our lives together came when my sons were born. Upon the end of our divorce I was told that he was cheating on me the entire time we were together. This came as a total shock because I had put him on this pedestal because he helped me escape a very abusive relationship when we first met. I was totally devoted to him and loved him as much as I could love anyone in this world. I took up for him when he made people angry with his attitude, I gave him credit for being a caring father to my children, I was so attached to the idea of being "in love" that I let these feelings be disguised as "real love". My children were the only real love I had in this life but I thought he was my world.
As our life together ended, he began a new family which didn't include our children anymore. This broke my heart as well as my boys hearts. There is still a deep resentment that probably will never be repaired in my boys lives. I tried very hard to teach my boys that their dad was sick and not to blame for his absence. I told them that I was to blame as much as their dad. As they grew up both of their parents were caught up in a sickness that consumed their whole existence. The boys and I survived and grew up together. They aged and I grew toward recovery day by day. Unfortunately, Laura, my daughter had moved in with my mother because our personalities could not exist together, she and I both, have bi-polar disorder. This added to my depression because I had failed her tremendously. I couldn't keep it together so I could be the mother to comfort her and help her grow. My parents took over that role in her life when John and married. This hurt and I blamed my parents because they spoiled her and made it impossible for me to compete. This was probably a good thing because I didn't love myself, how could I love my daughter?
It was several years I guess my youngest one was in middle school before I started to take control of my life. I began to gain self respect and encouragement through several people in my life, one of those was my friend Cynthia, which I will always be grateful for. I took full control of me and my kids rebelled so much it made in impossible sometimes. I had been their child for so long they couldn't let go and let me take on the mother role. It has taken the last few years for us to come to a point of healing as a family. I thank God for my children because they kept me alive. Every time I wanted to die, I tried several times to end it all, they were in my heart and wouldn't let go. Thank you sweet children, Laura, Zach and Greg, you have made me whole.
My self respect and dignity came when I started to feel HOPE. I started by educating myself, becoming an advocate for my own needs and then personal responsibility came with the support of my family and friends. Not always believing in me or trusting me because they had seen me as weak, my family was there all the same and loved me unconditionally. I started loving myself, then, started feeling the love of my children and the rest of my family. This is where control came in, When I started loving myself.
I hope you can reach this point.
Love, Nessa
I have been so closed off inside my own shell that it has been impossible to make it through this life. The feeling of being all alone and so afraid of my own existence which tainted my relationship with my children and everyone around me. I latched onto certain people who kept my life in turmoil constantly. When I finally found a person who could help me in a healing way I was almost 30 yrs. old. I latched on to that person with all my life and searched for that peace that was slow to come. My ex-husbands mother was instrumental in leading me to a point of consciousness. I made the move on my own but, she helped me see that I deserve to be happy.
After a long unhealthy relationship to my ex-husband, I let go of the idea that he and I were meant to be together. Our relationship had been a destructive poisonous personal existence. The most joyous part of our lives together came when my sons were born. Upon the end of our divorce I was told that he was cheating on me the entire time we were together. This came as a total shock because I had put him on this pedestal because he helped me escape a very abusive relationship when we first met. I was totally devoted to him and loved him as much as I could love anyone in this world. I took up for him when he made people angry with his attitude, I gave him credit for being a caring father to my children, I was so attached to the idea of being "in love" that I let these feelings be disguised as "real love". My children were the only real love I had in this life but I thought he was my world.
As our life together ended, he began a new family which didn't include our children anymore. This broke my heart as well as my boys hearts. There is still a deep resentment that probably will never be repaired in my boys lives. I tried very hard to teach my boys that their dad was sick and not to blame for his absence. I told them that I was to blame as much as their dad. As they grew up both of their parents were caught up in a sickness that consumed their whole existence. The boys and I survived and grew up together. They aged and I grew toward recovery day by day. Unfortunately, Laura, my daughter had moved in with my mother because our personalities could not exist together, she and I both, have bi-polar disorder. This added to my depression because I had failed her tremendously. I couldn't keep it together so I could be the mother to comfort her and help her grow. My parents took over that role in her life when John and married. This hurt and I blamed my parents because they spoiled her and made it impossible for me to compete. This was probably a good thing because I didn't love myself, how could I love my daughter?
It was several years I guess my youngest one was in middle school before I started to take control of my life. I began to gain self respect and encouragement through several people in my life, one of those was my friend Cynthia, which I will always be grateful for. I took full control of me and my kids rebelled so much it made in impossible sometimes. I had been their child for so long they couldn't let go and let me take on the mother role. It has taken the last few years for us to come to a point of healing as a family. I thank God for my children because they kept me alive. Every time I wanted to die, I tried several times to end it all, they were in my heart and wouldn't let go. Thank you sweet children, Laura, Zach and Greg, you have made me whole.
My self respect and dignity came when I started to feel HOPE. I started by educating myself, becoming an advocate for my own needs and then personal responsibility came with the support of my family and friends. Not always believing in me or trusting me because they had seen me as weak, my family was there all the same and loved me unconditionally. I started loving myself, then, started feeling the love of my children and the rest of my family. This is where control came in, When I started loving myself.
I hope you can reach this point.
Love, Nessa
Sunday, August 16, 2009
MEDICATION
Medication is tough to handle sometimes. When you have to remember to take these pills all the time and follow the doctors orders it can be so discouraging. I remember each time my medication had to be adjusted I got so upset and depressed. I wanted to die sometimes because I didn't think I could take another dose cause I was scared of the outcome.
When I became this zombie for so many yrs. I remember feeling like I was so lost to the world. I felt there was no reason to live. Even though I was so intelligent I couldn't keep it together. I felt like no one believed me because I didn't talk to myself. Oh there are things I never told the doctors because I was smart enough to know that if I told them I would be locked in a padded room.
Medication regimens are like anything else, touch and go. It is hard to figure out what is gonna work on one and what will work on another. I felt like a genie pig most of the time.
I remember being on so much medication that I couldn't think for myself. Although, I was operating a car and taking care of my kids on this medication. I fought it as much as I could but sometimes it would paralyze me to the point where I felt trapped inside my body and fighting hard to get out just wore me out.
This was a scary time and I would never like to go back there. I guess that is what motivates me now to stay on my meds.
I stopped taking meds several times and fought my doctor all the way trying to keep from taking anymore meds. I was afraid after the Thorazine phase to take some things he gave me.
I changed doctors because my doctors load got too big. I think that was the start of my progress. I had become so afraid to listen to my doctor that I wouldn't comply with his wishes. I kept staying on the same level of not progressing at all.
When I changed to the assistant doctor I gained trust in her because she called me on the fact that I wasn't taking my meds right. I didn't think they could figure it out. The other doctor had ever said anything about it.
Since that change in doctors I have progressed quite a bit. I think the biggest thing that helped was my case manager, whom has always been a trusted friend, kept me in line. I was blessed with good case management.
When I moved I had to change case managers and this sent me back a bit. I did get it together when I received a great case manager again in Elizabethton. He helped me alot too even though I didn't see him but a short time. I will never forget what he did for me.
I slowly learned over this time to take my medication on a regular regimen to keep the level in my system on an even keel. This worked tremendously, when I lost four dear people in my life that would normally have put me straight into the hospital, I was able to keep it together because I was on my meds.
It is so important to take your meds there is no shame in the fact that you have to take them. Everyone who has a physical illness takes medication and why would they feel ashamed for taking care of their lives? I have learned that shame ended me in the hospital on more than one occasion. I realize now that if I am honest about my feelings with my medical professional, share symptom irregularities, and take my prescribed medication on time and in the right way I can stay healthy.
Vanessa
When I became this zombie for so many yrs. I remember feeling like I was so lost to the world. I felt there was no reason to live. Even though I was so intelligent I couldn't keep it together. I felt like no one believed me because I didn't talk to myself. Oh there are things I never told the doctors because I was smart enough to know that if I told them I would be locked in a padded room.
Medication regimens are like anything else, touch and go. It is hard to figure out what is gonna work on one and what will work on another. I felt like a genie pig most of the time.
I remember being on so much medication that I couldn't think for myself. Although, I was operating a car and taking care of my kids on this medication. I fought it as much as I could but sometimes it would paralyze me to the point where I felt trapped inside my body and fighting hard to get out just wore me out.
This was a scary time and I would never like to go back there. I guess that is what motivates me now to stay on my meds.
I stopped taking meds several times and fought my doctor all the way trying to keep from taking anymore meds. I was afraid after the Thorazine phase to take some things he gave me.
I changed doctors because my doctors load got too big. I think that was the start of my progress. I had become so afraid to listen to my doctor that I wouldn't comply with his wishes. I kept staying on the same level of not progressing at all.
When I changed to the assistant doctor I gained trust in her because she called me on the fact that I wasn't taking my meds right. I didn't think they could figure it out. The other doctor had ever said anything about it.
Since that change in doctors I have progressed quite a bit. I think the biggest thing that helped was my case manager, whom has always been a trusted friend, kept me in line. I was blessed with good case management.
When I moved I had to change case managers and this sent me back a bit. I did get it together when I received a great case manager again in Elizabethton. He helped me alot too even though I didn't see him but a short time. I will never forget what he did for me.
I slowly learned over this time to take my medication on a regular regimen to keep the level in my system on an even keel. This worked tremendously, when I lost four dear people in my life that would normally have put me straight into the hospital, I was able to keep it together because I was on my meds.
It is so important to take your meds there is no shame in the fact that you have to take them. Everyone who has a physical illness takes medication and why would they feel ashamed for taking care of their lives? I have learned that shame ended me in the hospital on more than one occasion. I realize now that if I am honest about my feelings with my medical professional, share symptom irregularities, and take my prescribed medication on time and in the right way I can stay healthy.
Vanessa
Saturday, August 15, 2009
A Bi-Polar family
I don't know when I realized I had a major problem with myself. Personality changes and out of control behavior had been a part of me I guess as long as I can remember, although this was true I didn't realize the problem.
I had been very withdrawn from my family most of my life. I remember when my sister was born I moved to the basement to keep from sharing a room. I was about nine at the time. I was very full of thoughts of not fitting in with all the people I loved very much.
I went through my teens this was so I guess the bi-polar was active even then. I didn't know what was going on. My mom and dad thought it was because I was overweight as a teenager. I don't know if part of it wasn't that but, I had been going through alot more serious problems than this. There were other kids who were overweight who didn't have the issues I had. I just didn't fit in.
As a young adult I became very promiscuous and spent alot of time medicating myself and my depression with alcohol. That just made things worse. I feel that when I married my first husband I wasn't mentally stable enough to decide for myself that this was what I wanted. What could my parents do? I mean I was over 20 yrs. old they had no options available to them. I wasn't ill to the point where I couldn't make sense and interact with others. I was not a candidate for an institution but still out of control.
My first husband took care of my daughter and I. My daughter came from a previous relationship that ended on bad terms. David was a great person and basically the ideal husband. The outside world saw this side of him. When we were alone it was a different story. The only time it became public was when he wanted to share me with his sailor buddies at parties we had at our home. He played mind games with me and abused me sexually and mentally, although, never laying a hand on me I was very scared of him.
When I met my second husband, a man I loved very much, we were both very ill. He had a drug and alcohol addiction on top of bi-polar disorder. Although he had these problems we had a bond that no one could break. I put him on a pedestal I now know why--it was because he had given me the courage to leave David. Chris although, having these problems could be the ultimately loving husband and father. He was great for Laura and I. Soon, came Zachary, who made our bond stronger. He was a great joy for Chris. Chris was there the whole pregnancy and very supportive to me. We became married and worked hard to make a life for our kids. Gregory came along almost three years into our marriage and we had started growing apart by this time.
I think our love by this time we knew was fading due to our illnesses. See two bi-polars have a hard time getting through the rough spots together. I went through major withdrawals from reality when I realized it was over between Chris and I. I wanted to hate him but caught myself taking up for him when my friend would say bad things about him. I later after our divorce found out he had been with all my friends who would have him and had been unfaithful to me all the time we were together. I didn't care because he had given me two wonderful boys whom I love very much. I am very proud of these two boys and would have never been able to come back to reality without them and Laura my daughter.
Okay, this is where it gets rough,
I am bi-polar not knowing what that meant exactly. My daughter was diagnosed with ADHD and later on bi-polar. We were very much affected by this disorder because it kept us from bonding as she grew up. The older she got the worse it got. I loved her but couldn't show her.
My son Zachary, diagnosed as ADHD, was a very difficult child to deal with and on top of my very serious depression and manic episodes it was even unbearable. He and I always had this bond that was very strong. When he was a pre-teen we ended up putting him in states custody because he refused to go to school. I wasn't strong enough to get him to go and force him to listen to me. Even with the hard ball attitude of Zachary I think I was more attached to him, maybe because I was the one who took care of him with support of course but, Laura had moved in with my parents for the most part as a young child.
This was a wake up call for me. I had been through alot of serious medication concoctions and by drugs such as Thorazine and haladol. I was raising my kids on this. Or, were they raising me?
My son Gregory, was a quiet child and always showed signs of a social disorder. We found out later that he after being labeled "mentally retarded" was in fact suffering from Asburgers. This is a disorder which makes it almost impossible to socialize with others. He has a learning disability and he improves these unfortunate problems everyday. He is more sociable now than ever before and he is working on his reading skills which he knows are bad and is very embarrassed because of it. I know that my son will grow and learn and eventually get what he wants out of life. He has grow so much and I am proud of my "little 6'3 man.
It is hard having a family with serious mental illnesses all attacking each other all the time. We have our moments even to the present but, we are still there for each other. My boys are almost grown now. Laura has her own family, which is following the same path as ours to a certain degree. Her two children and her live with my mother, the strong woman who kept me alive all these years, while her husband also, suffering with mental illness lives in another city for reasons I care not to go into. The cycle seems to never break though I have tried. I think it has been bent alot but it is still hard for our family to maintain a loving relationship.
Zachary has never shown signs of mental illness although he had ADHD as a child he has outgrown the symptoms. He is going into the Army now and I am very proud of him. I am proud of all my children because they have been through alot with me and suffer from their own problems too. They are strong and fighting their disorder with all they have because I refuse to let them give up on themselves. I encourage them to stay focused and learn from their mistakes. I have been so angry at each of them on several occasions but they are my babies even though they are grown and I love them unconditionally.
I have since found a man that is so good to me that fulfills all my needs and gives me the encouragement I need. He loves my kids and grandchildren. He is devoted to me and he also suffers with a mental illness. Even though we both have a mental illness, it is where we are, in recovery, that helps make our relationship the best thing I have ever had in my life.
Living with a bi-polar family can work. The normal problems can be magnified somewhat but if you learn to adjust to the problems, usually there isn't a time when everyone is on the same cycle. This means that we can manage by helping each other through techniques we have learned by educating ourselves about our illnesses and working together. The shame in being mentally ill is going away in our family. I am striving to teach my children there is no shame in this. I know that God will guide my family and we will succeed as a united family just as "normal" as the next one.
God Bless you and I hope your family can heal like mine is.
Vanessa
I had been very withdrawn from my family most of my life. I remember when my sister was born I moved to the basement to keep from sharing a room. I was about nine at the time. I was very full of thoughts of not fitting in with all the people I loved very much.
I went through my teens this was so I guess the bi-polar was active even then. I didn't know what was going on. My mom and dad thought it was because I was overweight as a teenager. I don't know if part of it wasn't that but, I had been going through alot more serious problems than this. There were other kids who were overweight who didn't have the issues I had. I just didn't fit in.
As a young adult I became very promiscuous and spent alot of time medicating myself and my depression with alcohol. That just made things worse. I feel that when I married my first husband I wasn't mentally stable enough to decide for myself that this was what I wanted. What could my parents do? I mean I was over 20 yrs. old they had no options available to them. I wasn't ill to the point where I couldn't make sense and interact with others. I was not a candidate for an institution but still out of control.
My first husband took care of my daughter and I. My daughter came from a previous relationship that ended on bad terms. David was a great person and basically the ideal husband. The outside world saw this side of him. When we were alone it was a different story. The only time it became public was when he wanted to share me with his sailor buddies at parties we had at our home. He played mind games with me and abused me sexually and mentally, although, never laying a hand on me I was very scared of him.
When I met my second husband, a man I loved very much, we were both very ill. He had a drug and alcohol addiction on top of bi-polar disorder. Although he had these problems we had a bond that no one could break. I put him on a pedestal I now know why--it was because he had given me the courage to leave David. Chris although, having these problems could be the ultimately loving husband and father. He was great for Laura and I. Soon, came Zachary, who made our bond stronger. He was a great joy for Chris. Chris was there the whole pregnancy and very supportive to me. We became married and worked hard to make a life for our kids. Gregory came along almost three years into our marriage and we had started growing apart by this time.
I think our love by this time we knew was fading due to our illnesses. See two bi-polars have a hard time getting through the rough spots together. I went through major withdrawals from reality when I realized it was over between Chris and I. I wanted to hate him but caught myself taking up for him when my friend would say bad things about him. I later after our divorce found out he had been with all my friends who would have him and had been unfaithful to me all the time we were together. I didn't care because he had given me two wonderful boys whom I love very much. I am very proud of these two boys and would have never been able to come back to reality without them and Laura my daughter.
Okay, this is where it gets rough,
I am bi-polar not knowing what that meant exactly. My daughter was diagnosed with ADHD and later on bi-polar. We were very much affected by this disorder because it kept us from bonding as she grew up. The older she got the worse it got. I loved her but couldn't show her.
My son Zachary, diagnosed as ADHD, was a very difficult child to deal with and on top of my very serious depression and manic episodes it was even unbearable. He and I always had this bond that was very strong. When he was a pre-teen we ended up putting him in states custody because he refused to go to school. I wasn't strong enough to get him to go and force him to listen to me. Even with the hard ball attitude of Zachary I think I was more attached to him, maybe because I was the one who took care of him with support of course but, Laura had moved in with my parents for the most part as a young child.
This was a wake up call for me. I had been through alot of serious medication concoctions and by drugs such as Thorazine and haladol. I was raising my kids on this. Or, were they raising me?
My son Gregory, was a quiet child and always showed signs of a social disorder. We found out later that he after being labeled "mentally retarded" was in fact suffering from Asburgers. This is a disorder which makes it almost impossible to socialize with others. He has a learning disability and he improves these unfortunate problems everyday. He is more sociable now than ever before and he is working on his reading skills which he knows are bad and is very embarrassed because of it. I know that my son will grow and learn and eventually get what he wants out of life. He has grow so much and I am proud of my "little 6'3 man.
It is hard having a family with serious mental illnesses all attacking each other all the time. We have our moments even to the present but, we are still there for each other. My boys are almost grown now. Laura has her own family, which is following the same path as ours to a certain degree. Her two children and her live with my mother, the strong woman who kept me alive all these years, while her husband also, suffering with mental illness lives in another city for reasons I care not to go into. The cycle seems to never break though I have tried. I think it has been bent alot but it is still hard for our family to maintain a loving relationship.
Zachary has never shown signs of mental illness although he had ADHD as a child he has outgrown the symptoms. He is going into the Army now and I am very proud of him. I am proud of all my children because they have been through alot with me and suffer from their own problems too. They are strong and fighting their disorder with all they have because I refuse to let them give up on themselves. I encourage them to stay focused and learn from their mistakes. I have been so angry at each of them on several occasions but they are my babies even though they are grown and I love them unconditionally.
I have since found a man that is so good to me that fulfills all my needs and gives me the encouragement I need. He loves my kids and grandchildren. He is devoted to me and he also suffers with a mental illness. Even though we both have a mental illness, it is where we are, in recovery, that helps make our relationship the best thing I have ever had in my life.
Living with a bi-polar family can work. The normal problems can be magnified somewhat but if you learn to adjust to the problems, usually there isn't a time when everyone is on the same cycle. This means that we can manage by helping each other through techniques we have learned by educating ourselves about our illnesses and working together. The shame in being mentally ill is going away in our family. I am striving to teach my children there is no shame in this. I know that God will guide my family and we will succeed as a united family just as "normal" as the next one.
God Bless you and I hope your family can heal like mine is.
Vanessa
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Life day by day
Since I have started following doctors orders I have been able to maintain a steady regimen. Not always free of stress as a matter of fact always full of stress but, I have learned coping skills through my involvement with NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) and TMHCA (Tennessee Mental Health Comsumers Association) to help me survive my craziness. Things don't look so gloomy anymore because of these skills. I also learned alot through the psychosocial program I attend in Johnson City, TN.
Victory Center is a program that has saved my life. First, VC, introduced me to Mary Ellen Copeland, my mentor, and then second, to NAMI and TMHCA. I learned WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) under two of the greatest examples in my life, they have been my personal mentors here in TN. I may never get to meet Mrs. Copeland but, I know these ladies and they have made a difference in my life. I can't express how much they mean to me. I owe them alot. I hope someday to make them proud and for them to know they made the difference in my life today. I won't mention names because that is confidential. I wouldn't want you stealing them from me now would I?
Seriously, I get my energy from my willingness to be alive. I haven't always wanted to be alive and more than once tried to take that into my own hands. Obviously there is a reason for me to be here so I guess I will start trying to put forth effort to figure that reason out. I believe I know what that reason is and I am living it now. Oh I may not be getting paid monetarily but, I am getting paid folks. Every time I hear one of these guys I volunteer with say, "you make me so happy, Vanessa" or "I don't know what I would do without you". This is important to me because it makes a difference in my life. It keeps me well when I can make a difference. I think this is the reason for me to be alive. So, I take it day by day and I plan to help others as much as I can as long as can. This IOOV program means alot to me. Telling my story about my life struggles helps me to deal with my own reality. Sharing with others is my way of giving back and hopefully if it helps one person, it will be worth it all. I enjoy telling my story and try to make it interesting when I tell it.
Thanks IOOV for helping me reach my goal of helping others realize their potential through my story, hopefully they won't be my age when they learn theirs.
Love ya all, Vanessa
Victory Center is a program that has saved my life. First, VC, introduced me to Mary Ellen Copeland, my mentor, and then second, to NAMI and TMHCA. I learned WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) under two of the greatest examples in my life, they have been my personal mentors here in TN. I may never get to meet Mrs. Copeland but, I know these ladies and they have made a difference in my life. I can't express how much they mean to me. I owe them alot. I hope someday to make them proud and for them to know they made the difference in my life today. I won't mention names because that is confidential. I wouldn't want you stealing them from me now would I?
Seriously, I get my energy from my willingness to be alive. I haven't always wanted to be alive and more than once tried to take that into my own hands. Obviously there is a reason for me to be here so I guess I will start trying to put forth effort to figure that reason out. I believe I know what that reason is and I am living it now. Oh I may not be getting paid monetarily but, I am getting paid folks. Every time I hear one of these guys I volunteer with say, "you make me so happy, Vanessa" or "I don't know what I would do without you". This is important to me because it makes a difference in my life. It keeps me well when I can make a difference. I think this is the reason for me to be alive. So, I take it day by day and I plan to help others as much as I can as long as can. This IOOV program means alot to me. Telling my story about my life struggles helps me to deal with my own reality. Sharing with others is my way of giving back and hopefully if it helps one person, it will be worth it all. I enjoy telling my story and try to make it interesting when I tell it.
Thanks IOOV for helping me reach my goal of helping others realize their potential through my story, hopefully they won't be my age when they learn theirs.
Love ya all, Vanessa
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