I don't know when I realized I had a major problem with myself. Personality changes and out of control behavior had been a part of me I guess as long as I can remember, although this was true I didn't realize the problem.
I had been very withdrawn from my family most of my life. I remember when my sister was born I moved to the basement to keep from sharing a room. I was about nine at the time. I was very full of thoughts of not fitting in with all the people I loved very much.
I went through my teens this was so I guess the bi-polar was active even then. I didn't know what was going on. My mom and dad thought it was because I was overweight as a teenager. I don't know if part of it wasn't that but, I had been going through alot more serious problems than this. There were other kids who were overweight who didn't have the issues I had. I just didn't fit in.
As a young adult I became very promiscuous and spent alot of time medicating myself and my depression with alcohol. That just made things worse. I feel that when I married my first husband I wasn't mentally stable enough to decide for myself that this was what I wanted. What could my parents do? I mean I was over 20 yrs. old they had no options available to them. I wasn't ill to the point where I couldn't make sense and interact with others. I was not a candidate for an institution but still out of control.
My first husband took care of my daughter and I. My daughter came from a previous relationship that ended on bad terms. David was a great person and basically the ideal husband. The outside world saw this side of him. When we were alone it was a different story. The only time it became public was when he wanted to share me with his sailor buddies at parties we had at our home. He played mind games with me and abused me sexually and mentally, although, never laying a hand on me I was very scared of him.
When I met my second husband, a man I loved very much, we were both very ill. He had a drug and alcohol addiction on top of bi-polar disorder. Although he had these problems we had a bond that no one could break. I put him on a pedestal I now know why--it was because he had given me the courage to leave David. Chris although, having these problems could be the ultimately loving husband and father. He was great for Laura and I. Soon, came Zachary, who made our bond stronger. He was a great joy for Chris. Chris was there the whole pregnancy and very supportive to me. We became married and worked hard to make a life for our kids. Gregory came along almost three years into our marriage and we had started growing apart by this time.
I think our love by this time we knew was fading due to our illnesses. See two bi-polars have a hard time getting through the rough spots together. I went through major withdrawals from reality when I realized it was over between Chris and I. I wanted to hate him but caught myself taking up for him when my friend would say bad things about him. I later after our divorce found out he had been with all my friends who would have him and had been unfaithful to me all the time we were together. I didn't care because he had given me two wonderful boys whom I love very much. I am very proud of these two boys and would have never been able to come back to reality without them and Laura my daughter.
Okay, this is where it gets rough,
I am bi-polar not knowing what that meant exactly. My daughter was diagnosed with ADHD and later on bi-polar. We were very much affected by this disorder because it kept us from bonding as she grew up. The older she got the worse it got. I loved her but couldn't show her.
My son Zachary, diagnosed as ADHD, was a very difficult child to deal with and on top of my very serious depression and manic episodes it was even unbearable. He and I always had this bond that was very strong. When he was a pre-teen we ended up putting him in states custody because he refused to go to school. I wasn't strong enough to get him to go and force him to listen to me. Even with the hard ball attitude of Zachary I think I was more attached to him, maybe because I was the one who took care of him with support of course but, Laura had moved in with my parents for the most part as a young child.
This was a wake up call for me. I had been through alot of serious medication concoctions and by drugs such as Thorazine and haladol. I was raising my kids on this. Or, were they raising me?
My son Gregory, was a quiet child and always showed signs of a social disorder. We found out later that he after being labeled "mentally retarded" was in fact suffering from Asburgers. This is a disorder which makes it almost impossible to socialize with others. He has a learning disability and he improves these unfortunate problems everyday. He is more sociable now than ever before and he is working on his reading skills which he knows are bad and is very embarrassed because of it. I know that my son will grow and learn and eventually get what he wants out of life. He has grow so much and I am proud of my "little 6'3 man.
It is hard having a family with serious mental illnesses all attacking each other all the time. We have our moments even to the present but, we are still there for each other. My boys are almost grown now. Laura has her own family, which is following the same path as ours to a certain degree. Her two children and her live with my mother, the strong woman who kept me alive all these years, while her husband also, suffering with mental illness lives in another city for reasons I care not to go into. The cycle seems to never break though I have tried. I think it has been bent alot but it is still hard for our family to maintain a loving relationship.
Zachary has never shown signs of mental illness although he had ADHD as a child he has outgrown the symptoms. He is going into the Army now and I am very proud of him. I am proud of all my children because they have been through alot with me and suffer from their own problems too. They are strong and fighting their disorder with all they have because I refuse to let them give up on themselves. I encourage them to stay focused and learn from their mistakes. I have been so angry at each of them on several occasions but they are my babies even though they are grown and I love them unconditionally.
I have since found a man that is so good to me that fulfills all my needs and gives me the encouragement I need. He loves my kids and grandchildren. He is devoted to me and he also suffers with a mental illness. Even though we both have a mental illness, it is where we are, in recovery, that helps make our relationship the best thing I have ever had in my life.
Living with a bi-polar family can work. The normal problems can be magnified somewhat but if you learn to adjust to the problems, usually there isn't a time when everyone is on the same cycle. This means that we can manage by helping each other through techniques we have learned by educating ourselves about our illnesses and working together. The shame in being mentally ill is going away in our family. I am striving to teach my children there is no shame in this. I know that God will guide my family and we will succeed as a united family just as "normal" as the next one.
God Bless you and I hope your family can heal like mine is.
Vanessa
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Life day by day
Since I have started following doctors orders I have been able to maintain a steady regimen. Not always free of stress as a matter of fact always full of stress but, I have learned coping skills through my involvement with NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) and TMHCA (Tennessee Mental Health Comsumers Association) to help me survive my craziness. Things don't look so gloomy anymore because of these skills. I also learned alot through the psychosocial program I attend in Johnson City, TN.
Victory Center is a program that has saved my life. First, VC, introduced me to Mary Ellen Copeland, my mentor, and then second, to NAMI and TMHCA. I learned WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) under two of the greatest examples in my life, they have been my personal mentors here in TN. I may never get to meet Mrs. Copeland but, I know these ladies and they have made a difference in my life. I can't express how much they mean to me. I owe them alot. I hope someday to make them proud and for them to know they made the difference in my life today. I won't mention names because that is confidential. I wouldn't want you stealing them from me now would I?
Seriously, I get my energy from my willingness to be alive. I haven't always wanted to be alive and more than once tried to take that into my own hands. Obviously there is a reason for me to be here so I guess I will start trying to put forth effort to figure that reason out. I believe I know what that reason is and I am living it now. Oh I may not be getting paid monetarily but, I am getting paid folks. Every time I hear one of these guys I volunteer with say, "you make me so happy, Vanessa" or "I don't know what I would do without you". This is important to me because it makes a difference in my life. It keeps me well when I can make a difference. I think this is the reason for me to be alive. So, I take it day by day and I plan to help others as much as I can as long as can. This IOOV program means alot to me. Telling my story about my life struggles helps me to deal with my own reality. Sharing with others is my way of giving back and hopefully if it helps one person, it will be worth it all. I enjoy telling my story and try to make it interesting when I tell it.
Thanks IOOV for helping me reach my goal of helping others realize their potential through my story, hopefully they won't be my age when they learn theirs.
Love ya all, Vanessa
Victory Center is a program that has saved my life. First, VC, introduced me to Mary Ellen Copeland, my mentor, and then second, to NAMI and TMHCA. I learned WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) under two of the greatest examples in my life, they have been my personal mentors here in TN. I may never get to meet Mrs. Copeland but, I know these ladies and they have made a difference in my life. I can't express how much they mean to me. I owe them alot. I hope someday to make them proud and for them to know they made the difference in my life today. I won't mention names because that is confidential. I wouldn't want you stealing them from me now would I?
Seriously, I get my energy from my willingness to be alive. I haven't always wanted to be alive and more than once tried to take that into my own hands. Obviously there is a reason for me to be here so I guess I will start trying to put forth effort to figure that reason out. I believe I know what that reason is and I am living it now. Oh I may not be getting paid monetarily but, I am getting paid folks. Every time I hear one of these guys I volunteer with say, "you make me so happy, Vanessa" or "I don't know what I would do without you". This is important to me because it makes a difference in my life. It keeps me well when I can make a difference. I think this is the reason for me to be alive. So, I take it day by day and I plan to help others as much as I can as long as can. This IOOV program means alot to me. Telling my story about my life struggles helps me to deal with my own reality. Sharing with others is my way of giving back and hopefully if it helps one person, it will be worth it all. I enjoy telling my story and try to make it interesting when I tell it.
Thanks IOOV for helping me reach my goal of helping others realize their potential through my story, hopefully they won't be my age when they learn theirs.
Love ya all, Vanessa
Saturday, August 8, 2009
TURNING POINT
I have seen and suffured alot of turmoil in the past from the time I was a teenager I guess things didn't seem to be right.
I don't remember ever being happy at all even though I put on a front for others and I am a pretty damn good actress. I would be doctor jeckel/mr. hyde my family would say if they were asked today. I was never able to be completely open and loving with my family. I felt like an outcast for most of my life. Although this was the case I could get along with others as though I was the happiest person in the world. I never remember anyone picking up on it or if they did they never said a word to me.
I think this kind of pattern went on through my adult life and even though I have three wonderful children that I love very much, I never was able to express to them the love that I felt inside for them. I had felt this kind of turmoil all my life. I wanted to be accepted and loved by my family but never could fit in. I wasn't able to express or show my love then. When my kids were little I tried to be a good mom but I was so sick emotionally by this time that it was impossible for me to carry out the duties that I was supposed to do to be a good mom. I was always sick and they were sometime taking care of me instead of me being the caretaker.
I think my mom and dad are the ones who held together the family unit because if they hadn't been there for us I would have lost them to the child services. I am sure that I would have eventually been confined to an institution if that had happened because even though I couldn't do for myself it was because I was trapped inside this body that wouldn't alow me to function.
The turning point came from acceptance of my illness. At first, things stayed fairly close to the same. I still had alot of garbage to clean up that had been created through the destructive life I had lived all these years. Secondly, there were people I had to convince that I could be trusted, I am still working on that one. These people are my children. I have to constantly reenforce to my daughter that I am not her child. I have to constantly tell my son that I love him and I am sorry for the way he and I grew apart as I got worse and worse. I am learning to be a mom at 45 to three kids who are 25, 19 and 16. We are growing closer and things are changing but it has taken alot of time.
This turning point came about at my acceptance and has grew stronger and stronger everyday since. I have serious setbacks that cause me to want to give up sometimes but I have sought out ways to deal with these pressures. I have grown a great deal emotionally and mentally in the past eight or nine years. I lost my dad and that was hard to deal with. I think if it had happened just three years earlier I would have died with him. Acceptance helped me through the pain and I was even able to keep out of the hospital which would have been impossible a couple years earlier.
I think that the biggest thing that helped was getting to a place where I lost weight and felt good about myself. I lost over 22olbs and now maintain that and strive to loose more. I feel like a new person on the outside as well as the inside. I have been healing for years but started really working on recovery only two years ago. This is the biggest event in my life. Recovery has become my focus and feeling sorry for myself is the past! I could blame alot of things in my life on alot of other people and get alot of sympathy from others. I don't want sympathy anymore, I want understanding and support. I want to regain my self respect. I think the last time I remember having that was when I was about 7 yrs. old. Things change in your life you go through alot of trials and turmoil. The thing I have learned years and years after the fact is that dwelling on it only prolongs the agony and doesn't change a thing. So why let something hold you back when you can stop in your tracks and demand change NOW!
I don't remember ever being happy at all even though I put on a front for others and I am a pretty damn good actress. I would be doctor jeckel/mr. hyde my family would say if they were asked today. I was never able to be completely open and loving with my family. I felt like an outcast for most of my life. Although this was the case I could get along with others as though I was the happiest person in the world. I never remember anyone picking up on it or if they did they never said a word to me.
I think this kind of pattern went on through my adult life and even though I have three wonderful children that I love very much, I never was able to express to them the love that I felt inside for them. I had felt this kind of turmoil all my life. I wanted to be accepted and loved by my family but never could fit in. I wasn't able to express or show my love then. When my kids were little I tried to be a good mom but I was so sick emotionally by this time that it was impossible for me to carry out the duties that I was supposed to do to be a good mom. I was always sick and they were sometime taking care of me instead of me being the caretaker.
I think my mom and dad are the ones who held together the family unit because if they hadn't been there for us I would have lost them to the child services. I am sure that I would have eventually been confined to an institution if that had happened because even though I couldn't do for myself it was because I was trapped inside this body that wouldn't alow me to function.
The turning point came from acceptance of my illness. At first, things stayed fairly close to the same. I still had alot of garbage to clean up that had been created through the destructive life I had lived all these years. Secondly, there were people I had to convince that I could be trusted, I am still working on that one. These people are my children. I have to constantly reenforce to my daughter that I am not her child. I have to constantly tell my son that I love him and I am sorry for the way he and I grew apart as I got worse and worse. I am learning to be a mom at 45 to three kids who are 25, 19 and 16. We are growing closer and things are changing but it has taken alot of time.
This turning point came about at my acceptance and has grew stronger and stronger everyday since. I have serious setbacks that cause me to want to give up sometimes but I have sought out ways to deal with these pressures. I have grown a great deal emotionally and mentally in the past eight or nine years. I lost my dad and that was hard to deal with. I think if it had happened just three years earlier I would have died with him. Acceptance helped me through the pain and I was even able to keep out of the hospital which would have been impossible a couple years earlier.
I think that the biggest thing that helped was getting to a place where I lost weight and felt good about myself. I lost over 22olbs and now maintain that and strive to loose more. I feel like a new person on the outside as well as the inside. I have been healing for years but started really working on recovery only two years ago. This is the biggest event in my life. Recovery has become my focus and feeling sorry for myself is the past! I could blame alot of things in my life on alot of other people and get alot of sympathy from others. I don't want sympathy anymore, I want understanding and support. I want to regain my self respect. I think the last time I remember having that was when I was about 7 yrs. old. Things change in your life you go through alot of trials and turmoil. The thing I have learned years and years after the fact is that dwelling on it only prolongs the agony and doesn't change a thing. So why let something hold you back when you can stop in your tracks and demand change NOW!
Friday, August 7, 2009
unseen fears
No matter what I do in life there will be setbacks and trials. I have made a huge difference in my life by accepting my illness as part of me.
I lived in fear for years of my own thoughts and actions. I was out of control with my own reality. When I decided that shame is no longer an option for my life, things began to change for me.
I fear alot of things such as setbacks and med changes causing me to regress. I think about this often when the doctor starts to make changes in my treatment. I fear these things because of the past and what happened before I became "level". I always think of it even now but, I have learned ways to handle my fears. The unseen fears I keep fighting are squashed under the coping mechanisms I have learned over the past few years.
When I start feeling the rush of thoughts becoming negative I think of the ways I can override this fear. I have taught myself meditation techniques and breathing exercises which help me focus. I usually can override these unseen fears and I call them that because I can deal with them myself and therefore they don't interfere with my life as a whole.
My illness is a part of me that I am learning to control more and more everyday. I am so thankful for the people who have taught me these skills and guided me through the rough times while I fought hard to feel sorry for myself. I have came a long way and these unseen fears are under control. Thank you God!
Vanessa
I lived in fear for years of my own thoughts and actions. I was out of control with my own reality. When I decided that shame is no longer an option for my life, things began to change for me.
I fear alot of things such as setbacks and med changes causing me to regress. I think about this often when the doctor starts to make changes in my treatment. I fear these things because of the past and what happened before I became "level". I always think of it even now but, I have learned ways to handle my fears. The unseen fears I keep fighting are squashed under the coping mechanisms I have learned over the past few years.
When I start feeling the rush of thoughts becoming negative I think of the ways I can override this fear. I have taught myself meditation techniques and breathing exercises which help me focus. I usually can override these unseen fears and I call them that because I can deal with them myself and therefore they don't interfere with my life as a whole.
My illness is a part of me that I am learning to control more and more everyday. I am so thankful for the people who have taught me these skills and guided me through the rough times while I fought hard to feel sorry for myself. I have came a long way and these unseen fears are under control. Thank you God!
Vanessa
Thursday, August 6, 2009
My success in recovery
Football season if on its way and I am excited about that. Finding things that can subside the depression is the best way to handle the day by day struggle.
I know how hard it is to let go of the thoughts running through your head.
Just remember you are not alone and I and a lot of others are here to support you in your fight.
IOOV (In Our Own Voice), has helped me to see a future for myself. I go and tell a story of certain facets of my life and show the acceptance, treatment and coping skills I have acheived inthe past several years. The dark days slowly look brighter through this presentation. I then talk about my successes hopes and dreams I have built through reaching out for support and recovery. I recommend that you hear one of these presentations and see for yourself the possibilities available to you and those who are a part of your life, right down to the professionals you see on a regular basis. Seek this out you will not be sorry.
I learned so much by the opportunity to attend the Victory Center in Johnson City, TN. If you get the chance to attend a Psychsocial Rehabilitation Center, please take advantage of it.
Give all your attention to your own growth. Others around you will be symptomatic and you may feel this isn't for you, your not that bad off. Just remember that you are there to support your own growth and you can become a whole person again by giving it all you got. If you feel you are above this program maybe you can help others in the program reach for your recovery. If you do it will help you more than you know to be there for another person. You may even forget that you are depressed and move into a recovery process beyond what you have.
WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan), a plan that I have made my personal plan in case of the possibility of crisis in my mental health. It was designed by Mary Ellen Copeland, I recommend this plan to anyone of you. Even if you don't have a mental illness you can apply this plan to any aspect of your life.
NAMI (National Allience on Mental Illness) has been a strong support for me and my family. Find a support group of your own. I know that NAMI is in most areas of this country.
These are things that help me in my daily recovery process. You may find comfort in one of these things and I pray you reach out and look for a future.
God Bless you and I am here for you,
I know how hard it is to let go of the thoughts running through your head.
Just remember you are not alone and I and a lot of others are here to support you in your fight.
IOOV (In Our Own Voice), has helped me to see a future for myself. I go and tell a story of certain facets of my life and show the acceptance, treatment and coping skills I have acheived inthe past several years. The dark days slowly look brighter through this presentation. I then talk about my successes hopes and dreams I have built through reaching out for support and recovery. I recommend that you hear one of these presentations and see for yourself the possibilities available to you and those who are a part of your life, right down to the professionals you see on a regular basis. Seek this out you will not be sorry.
I learned so much by the opportunity to attend the Victory Center in Johnson City, TN. If you get the chance to attend a Psychsocial Rehabilitation Center, please take advantage of it.
Give all your attention to your own growth. Others around you will be symptomatic and you may feel this isn't for you, your not that bad off. Just remember that you are there to support your own growth and you can become a whole person again by giving it all you got. If you feel you are above this program maybe you can help others in the program reach for your recovery. If you do it will help you more than you know to be there for another person. You may even forget that you are depressed and move into a recovery process beyond what you have.
WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan), a plan that I have made my personal plan in case of the possibility of crisis in my mental health. It was designed by Mary Ellen Copeland, I recommend this plan to anyone of you. Even if you don't have a mental illness you can apply this plan to any aspect of your life.
NAMI (National Allience on Mental Illness) has been a strong support for me and my family. Find a support group of your own. I know that NAMI is in most areas of this country.
These are things that help me in my daily recovery process. You may find comfort in one of these things and I pray you reach out and look for a future.
God Bless you and I am here for you,
Friday, July 24, 2009
TIME TO LIVE IN THE PRESENT AND BEGIN TO LIVE
The minute I wake up I have to thank God that I am alive and well. I sometimes forget to do it that very moment that is true but, I always try to do it before the morning is gone away.
I have lived alot of bad memories and shown signs of whithering away. I have wanted to die many times. Why, you say? Well,
I could go into a long drawn out story about how life has treated me unfair! I could just tell you I have been abused and mistreated all my life through on source or another. I could give excuse after excuse for my reasons but, they simply don't seem important anymore. I have moved on from my past and live in the present. I used to dwell on the suicidal thoughts and the depression that made me who I WAS. Now, it just doesn't seem important enough to dwell on.
I live for today and hope for tomorrow, I look for the future in my present hopes and dreams.
I just allow myself to glance over the past from time to time to share with others the mistakes and the acceptance of my past which got me to where I am now. This shows me every time I speak that I have made it just one more day and I am proud of that! Live in the present is my best advice to anyone who is allowing themselves to have a pity party dwelling on past experiences. I know from experience that all it gets you is another day full of sorrow and pain. Think about now and the things that you have. You husband, children, grand kids? whatever that it is that keeps you alive. Today, is just the start of a brand new future. I can tell you it is much more exciting than living in the past.
I pray for each one that reads this that you see a future full of hopes and dreams. I know that God has a plan for you and me. We just have to hold on to what we have, enjoy the things we have, and to thank God for these things everyday. This will lead us to that place where we finally see what God has in store for us here on this earth.
I have lived alot of bad memories and shown signs of whithering away. I have wanted to die many times. Why, you say? Well,
I could go into a long drawn out story about how life has treated me unfair! I could just tell you I have been abused and mistreated all my life through on source or another. I could give excuse after excuse for my reasons but, they simply don't seem important anymore. I have moved on from my past and live in the present. I used to dwell on the suicidal thoughts and the depression that made me who I WAS. Now, it just doesn't seem important enough to dwell on.
I live for today and hope for tomorrow, I look for the future in my present hopes and dreams.
I just allow myself to glance over the past from time to time to share with others the mistakes and the acceptance of my past which got me to where I am now. This shows me every time I speak that I have made it just one more day and I am proud of that! Live in the present is my best advice to anyone who is allowing themselves to have a pity party dwelling on past experiences. I know from experience that all it gets you is another day full of sorrow and pain. Think about now and the things that you have. You husband, children, grand kids? whatever that it is that keeps you alive. Today, is just the start of a brand new future. I can tell you it is much more exciting than living in the past.
I pray for each one that reads this that you see a future full of hopes and dreams. I know that God has a plan for you and me. We just have to hold on to what we have, enjoy the things we have, and to thank God for these things everyday. This will lead us to that place where we finally see what God has in store for us here on this earth.
Monday, July 6, 2009
i still get depressed very often. I spend alot of time bring myself out of a seriously despondent mood. I think the reason for that is I get to a point where I am going at full speed and then I have a set back that attacks my every being.
There are times I can pull myself out really fast and other times that makes it almost impossible for me to breathe for weeks at a time. The thing that seems to help me the most is my family. If they can reach me I usually do well. If they don't see me falling it can be even harder coming through the pain.
It is very painful to look back and see that my progress has fallen apart. This makes it even harder to come alive again.
I have been rather worn out in the past few weeks. Not because of being over worked but because of stress over not being heard.
I have been totally distraught about the idea that some or most have given up on the program. At out NAMI meeting last week no one showed up eccept the president and Eric and myself. So we went ahead and canceled the whole thing.
Has everyone given up because the government has scewed us over?
We have to stand stronger than before and I feel that even though we have to work a little harder we should continue to stand strong in our fight to win this war.
I plan to fight as long as I can and I pray that you will do the same.
I will be sending out invites and miss you emails today and I pray that we can all touch base for a group by at least next month. I realize it is summer but we still need to support the one that keeps us alive.
Strength, support and hope begin when we all stand together. So lets make it know that we are strong and will support our NAMI groups no matter what!
That's my gripe for the day. I will try to be more encouraging the next time I write.
Nessa
There are times I can pull myself out really fast and other times that makes it almost impossible for me to breathe for weeks at a time. The thing that seems to help me the most is my family. If they can reach me I usually do well. If they don't see me falling it can be even harder coming through the pain.
It is very painful to look back and see that my progress has fallen apart. This makes it even harder to come alive again.
I have been rather worn out in the past few weeks. Not because of being over worked but because of stress over not being heard.
I have been totally distraught about the idea that some or most have given up on the program. At out NAMI meeting last week no one showed up eccept the president and Eric and myself. So we went ahead and canceled the whole thing.
Has everyone given up because the government has scewed us over?
We have to stand stronger than before and I feel that even though we have to work a little harder we should continue to stand strong in our fight to win this war.
I plan to fight as long as I can and I pray that you will do the same.
I will be sending out invites and miss you emails today and I pray that we can all touch base for a group by at least next month. I realize it is summer but we still need to support the one that keeps us alive.
Strength, support and hope begin when we all stand together. So lets make it know that we are strong and will support our NAMI groups no matter what!
That's my gripe for the day. I will try to be more encouraging the next time I write.
Nessa
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)